The Woven Coverlet

I awoke very early this morning. A dream had disturbed my sleep. In the dream, my father was riding a motorcycle with my mother riding on the back. She was holding him tight. I was in Las Vegas and they were coming to meet me. When they rolled past me in the dream, I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. In my video podcast the other day I talked about my mother. I suppose that is why she is on my mind now and infiltrating my dreams. Every so often she pops up in my dreams.

I got out of bed and started cleaning my house. The kitchen needed to be tidied up and the second bathroom needed some attention. I replaced the sheets on my bed with a new set. As I was pulling out the sheets from the linen closet, I had to move a beautiful woven coverlet out of the way. I decided to use the coverlet on the bed even though it is more for the winter months because of its weight. The coverlet is a gift to me from my mother. My mother received it as a gift from her aunt, Atoali'i, on her wedding day, September 11, 1971. Aunty Atoali'i flew from New Zealand to attend the nuptials of my parents. She brought the very heavy and expensive coverlet all that way.

My mother never used the coverlet. Ever. I saw it for the first time when she gifted it to me. She told me the story of where it came from and how she carefully preserved it so that she could give it to me on my wedding day. One day I will pass this on to my third niece on her wedding day. (Niece #1 and Niece #2 have other items that I saved for them.) Hopefully she will take good care of it so that it will continue through space and time and she can tell this same story to her daughter on her wedding day.

We attach all our sentimentality onto an object, an heirloom, and we pass it forward through time. My mother has no memory attached to the coverlet except that she received it from her aunt as a wedding gift. There's no sensational story about how it was the only thing she and my father had in their first year of marriage. No story about how it got wet in a flood and was the only thing they salvaged of all their material possessions. No. There's no story because the coverlet was tucked away in her bedroom closet along with her and my father's vinyl LP's and the very expensive genuine silver flatware that was also a wedding gift.

So what, exactly, was my mother's intention in saving this gorgeous coverlet for me? I have concluded that she placed all her hopes and dreams for me onto it. It is an expensive item that she never found occasion to use but she knew that, even before I was conceived, she would pass it on to her daughter. Me. And I don't know what her hopes for me were. She never shared them with me. One day when I do give this coverlet to niece #3, I will tell her this story and I will tell her all of my hopes and my dreams for her.

I hope she will eat healthy and take care of her body because it houses her spirit and her mind. I hope that she will always be her most genuine and authentic and be true to herself even in the face of fierce opposition that may sometimes be from her closest family and friends. I hope that she will choose to be happy all the days of her life even when the trials of daily life threaten to overcome her. I hope that she will always hear and listen to her own voice and trust her gut instincts because her life is hers to live and no one elses. I hope that if she is religious, she will also be spiritual, and always remember that the qualities of love and compassion affect humanity more positively than dogma. Most of all, I hope she lives a magnificent life and that she is always surrounded by people who love her and treat her like the little queen that she is.

Candlelight (ZHAVIA Cover) by Sheyla & Naina

Candlelight (ZHAVIA Cover) by Sheyla & Naina

I cannot say enough about my two nieces. I absolutely love the young women that they are becoming. They are smart and beautiful and talented but most important, they are kind. I always harass them about going on The Voice or American Idol. They just laugh at me. I think the world of them. I want the world for them. I have always told them to work the dream instead of focusing on Plan B. Why go after that "degree" if what you really want to do is make music/act/broadway?

Work/Live the dream my sweet nieces.
There will always be time for Plan B.
Don't live in the gray area.

Sheyla - playing the guitar. Subscribe to her YouTube Channel.
Naina - on the left. Subscribe to her YouTubeChannel.

I Hope You Dance

There is a song performed by Leann Womack titled I Hope You Dance. The lyrics are beautiful, poetic, and imparts feel-good vibrations all the way around.... except for one line. It says, "Never settle for the path of least resistance." I think the song is flawed because of that one line. It should have said something like, "Don't give up even though it's hard," "Be persistent."

Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'
Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'
I made the move out to South Carolina because it is and has been the path of least resistance. There have been so many events that are seemingly unrelated yet in my mind they have sequentially pointed me in one direction. That direction is for me to make this move to South Carolina.

Don't let some hellbent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to sellin' out, reconsider
No one ever falls in love thinking that it will end. I have always walked in the direction of love with fierce enthusiasm and the best intentions and ever so optimistic that this time it will be forever. It's not a secret that I have tucked away two romances. I cherish both of them and their presence and season in my life for different reasons. And now I stand in my own truth, my middle-aged self, that I must live for me and only me; that I must dream for me and walk in that dream. I cannot live to be a wife or to be a daughter, a sister, or aunt though I cherish all of those titles and the responsibilities that come with them.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
Today, I walk in my truth and in my happiness - happiness that has alluded me for a very long time. My divorce from my ex-husband has opened me up to all the possibilities of my life. There is so much power in discovering who I am and standing confidently in my authenticity. I no longer worry about what people say or think of the big dreams that I have or even of the seemingly small decisions that I make. Traveling this road alone has been tough. I counted so much on my ex to be my cheerleader and to support my crazy ideas. Most of the time, if my desires did not fit his, he would shoot them down and not support it. So now that I don't have him in my world, I realize that he was not my cheerleader and he is no longer stopping me from doing the thing I want to do the most. I am free to move about as I see fit.

May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed
I am beginning to let the "real me" emerge as I abandon old belief systems in favor of my own crafted version of the meaning of life. My search for happiness is now a path of happiness. I choose to be in a state of happiness no matter what the circumstances of my life are. I am not searching. I am not waiting for happiness to happen. Everything happening around me cannot disrupt the happiness I feel right now and in every single moment. Even when I'm shedding tears of sadness, the tears are just a means to let go of sad emotions and to make room for joy.

I hope you dance.
I hope I dance.
I am choosing to never sit out on experiencing life ever again. I will allow my own sense of morality to guide me and not inhibit me from participating in the great dance of life. There should never be guilt or shame around someone choosing to be exactly who they feel they are inside. Judgement over someone that has a different lifestyle than your own is antiquated and fosters a sense of exclusivity rather than inclusion. And right now, I am all about giving love to anyone I come in contact with. That is the best way I can serve the world by spreading love.

I hope you dance!

Homage to the Sisterhood

If there is anything that I have learned over the past 20 months, it is the unbelievable amount of support I have. I am extremely humbled and so grateful for the many souls that continue to push me, support me, and encourage me. The past 20 months has truly been difficult; full of so much change and discovery, a myriad of emotions, tears, grief, triumph, fear, and love. Sweet Love. And with all of the ups and the downs, I feel so alive. I feel like I am living at the edge of my previously well-defined limits and pushing, ever pushing my known boundaries. This move to South Carolina, at first, was so scary. I was terrified and yet I felt so excited and invigorated. I still feel so invigorated by being here.

There is so much that I have discovered about myself. I fight against the old me that says, "I can't." In reality, I am discovering that, "I Can and I Will..." I will live my biggest dream. The path ahead is unknown except that I will do whatever it takes to publish, to extend my entrepreneurship beyond its current limitations, and move ever so quickly into prosperity. Breaking through my limitations is difficult only that I have known one way for all of my life. I saw my parents do it and I do it now - the comfort of a job with salary and benefits. I feel myself falling into that comfortable, familiar place where everything is predictable and I swore that I would never be that girl again. I don't want to fall into the hum drum of predictability. And going to a 9 to 5, I feel so underutilized. I know how many talents and gifts I have been blessed with and it is wasting away at a regular job because this regular job requires so little of me. It is NOT challenging. **sigh**

I need constant reminders from people holding me accountable. My closest friends/family are ON ME about the goals and things I said I would achieve. And when they check me and I give a million excuses for why I haven't done what I said I would do I am reminded to get back on the wagon and write and put into action all of my grand plans.

I just want to say how grateful I am for the women and men that push me and prod me into productivity. I want to say thank you to the ladies (and my brothers) that lets me cry it out until my vision is clear. And surely they must be tired of my swollen eyes full of tears, snot running down my face, ugly cry and yet they still listen. I want to say thank you to my popps who never judges me and allows me to blossom in my own way. He really gets me and he is always there when I need him. ALWAYS! I am ever grateful for the husbands of the wives who are my closest friends. Surely, those women would not be able to support me in ALLLL of my times of need without the willingness of their husbands. So even though the title of the blog is an Homage to the Sisterhood, I know that there are men behind the scenes that support me too.

I am learning to trust my own voice. I commit to trusting the power in my thoughts and in my words. Though I value the words of those closest to me, ultimately, I am the one that must follow my authentic path. I see so clearly my rising star. I welcome it. I am happy to accept the responsibility that comes with all my gifts and talents.

The Best This World Has To Offer : My Dad

I have been away from the blog for quite sometime. I was down with the flu. I can't remember the last time I was this sick. I pride myself on maintaining my health but this flu had me all the way down. Having endured this attack on my respiratory system has put me in the mindset of getting healthier than I've ever been.  My father is my example of the picture of health. He turned 75 this past October and he's like wine - getting better with time. His skin, his vitality, the sharpness of his mind, no need for medication -- of all the things I could wish for from my father, I hope I inherited his good health genetics. And there is a lot my father can offer but as I age, may I age exactly the way he is aging. This picture of him was taken yesterday. A dear friend took a pic with him and posted it on Facebook. I cut her out of the picture because I don't have her permission to post her picture. I don't have my dad's permission either but I don't think he'll mind.

My father is so talented. He can do anything. When I was little, he fixed all our cars along with his best friend, Unko Bubu. (Random fact: My best friend's nickname is BooBoo also.) He can paint beautiful scenes, oil or acrylic on canvas. He can fix anything. He can grow anything from acres of tapioca to acres of papaya trees, hundreds and thousands of papaya seedlings, hundreds of ti plants, noni plants, areca palms, anything you can think of - he can grow it or nurse it back to health.





He can play music though he will never admit it. He can sing though he will never admit that either but give him the microphone at karaoke and pick a song for him like, "After the Loving" by Engelbert Humperdinck and he will blow. His mind is sharp and full of so much information. He tells the best stories too especially the spooky ones. He can cook. My memories of my childhood are filled with dishes that he made for us that are now my comfort foods. And though I can make them similar to him, they will never be the way he makes them. Never. He can lay cement - watch the video below where I tell the story of how he did the concrete slab for a shot put ring my senior year in high school. #GoBigRed


He can build concrete walls. My little brother crashed into the neighbor's wall and my father fixed it. You can't even tell where the damage was done. He is a well-trained Karate master of the Goju-Ryu practice. He studied Siu Lum Pai Kung Fu under Sung Au. I think his dedication to martial arts makes him so limber today. I never feel afraid when I'm with my father or even if he's miles away because I know that all I need to do is call him and he will come running. On so many occasions, his wisdom and his spiritual and emotional strength has guided me through my darkest days and I've had plenty of them.

When I think of the best thing that this world has to offer, I think of my father. You would think that I would have remained in Hawai'i to make the most of the time that we have left together. I cannot imagine him ever growing old or ever needing me the way I need him. Yet the reality is that we must all pass through the portals of death into a new birth into the universe somewhere. My theory of the path of least resistance places me here in South Carolina right here and right now. Ideally, I flow like water never struggling against myself but moving with the waves and the currents over stony paths and still waters. After announcing my divorce back in September 2016, I told my father and he has been a pillar of strength for me as I navigate my way around this single-woman thing. He is ever worried that I have no one to provide for me. I'm grateful that I have been able to provide for myself but more than that, I have a strong and steady support system that holds me up. I am truly blessed.

I did not intend for this to be a tribute to my father and yet it is a very shallow one because there is no way I could encompass my lifetime with him in this short post. Yesterday he called me and said, "Babe next week there's going to be X-amount in the bank account. I want you to use it for whatever you need for your new home." This past Tuesday, I made an offer on a home and it was accepted. Tentative closing in thirty days then it's mine, all mine.

I don't know how long I will be here in South Carolina but for the time being I'm going to stay put and try going at this thing all by myself. I miss my family and my whole life in Hawai'i, the friends and my Red Raider loyalty, the beautiful ocean, and all the things that are so familiar to me. It's scary as hell but there HE goes, my dad, making sure that I'm not really alone. The idea of silence and solitude in my own house is almost scary and yet I crave it so that I can focus on my writing. I don't need 1,600 square feet. Really, I probably only need about 500 square feet and yet the path of least resistance has given me the 1,600 square feet. I came here with eleven bins, the clothes on my back, a very broken heart, and a mind full of big dreams. And now the eleven bins are about to expand into a full three-bedroom house and more stuff. My heart is still a little banged up (it keeps me humble) and my mind is still full of big dreams but I'm here. I'm trying to place one foot in front of the other and move toward the life I was destined to live.

I'm REALLY Moving to South Carolina

It's really real.
I am really moving.

I don't know where this road is going to lead but I can say with certainty that NOTHING has unfolded this easily before my eyes. NOTHING. The events and circumstances that lead me to South Carolina can only be defined as a fated road; the path of least resistance pushing me in a clear direction where there is no denial of where it is I need to be. I cannot explain how or why I have moved with such swiftness. My visit in January followed by my visit in June and here I am in October making the move with a job already in place and a "hellafied" support system like no other!

I am extremely grateful for all the moving parts that is making this transition so easy. From my friends and family here in Hawai'i that have put up with me for the last year to my cousins in South Carolina, "my soft spot to land," and all the friends and family from California to Utah to Texas and to Maryland that have dealt with my bouts of sadness and erratic behavior. They are the true MVP's in my world. I don't know the wreck I must have looked like just a year ago but I sure don't feel like that today. And with the job offer I accepted in South Carolina and the adventure that awaits me there, life is only getting better and better. I untangle myself from anything that causes me sadness or causes me to second guess my self worth. Surely if you couldn't recognize my value in the past when it was all yours to have, why should I believe that you see it now?

Who would have ever thought that this island girl would fly away to such a foreign place. South Carolina. I think of it and a smile creeps across my face not just because of the memories that I have already made but because of the new experiences that await me. I feel like I am moving to live in a Nicholas Sparks novel (all of his love stories are set in the Carolinas). **cue romantic music** It excites me and fills me with wonder.

I am going toward living my wildest dream. I am speaking my future into existence. It is already a reality (inside my mind) - I am a published author telling the stories about love and about culture, about relationships romantic and familial. I am writing the memoir that every broken-hearted woman needs to read to see themselves in me and to find their own strength to overcome any sad reality.

Yes. I feel this pull to South Carolina and it represents freedom from my past. It represents me being my most authentic self. It represents new beginnings. I have craved this and longed for it, it seems, all of my life.

Here we go!

Zipline Review: CLIMBworks Keana Farms

I went ziplining with my nieces yesterday. In typical Leo fashion, I celebrate all season long. The party begins on July 22nd and ends August 22nd. So I have a couple more days of celebrating until Leo Season is officially over.

I had not planned on going ziplining. My sister-in-law had won two tickets to CLIMBworks at Keana Farms located in Kahuku, Hawai'i and she was sending her two oldest children to use the tickets. My oldest niece is leaving for college in just 12 short days. I am so crazy excited for her. This zipline thing was part of her "things to do" before leaving home. I decided to tag along. My father had given me some birthday money so I could afford to splurge on the $150 price tag (Kamaaina Rate).

EASE OF BOOKING:
I walked in there and asked if there was any availability for me. There was one more spot left and I snatched it right up. The worker behind the register was helpful and worked quickly to get me signed in and paid for. There is a 275 pound weight limit and they do actually weigh you before they take your money.

LOBBY AREA:
The lobby was clean and very nice. There are plenty of workers to assist guests with any needs.

GETTING GEARED UP:
Everything is provided for you. You just show up. The workers get you geared up and assist in making sure all the necessary safety precautions are taken. There aren't any lengthy safety videos or lectures. You go on your first zip right at the beginning where the guides give you some quick tips on being safe and having fun.

THE EXPERIENCE:
The tour is two and a half to three hours. After the first zip, you go up the mountain in an ATV. The views from the top are stunning. I think we did a total of 8 zips. One was as fast as 45 mph. The highest I believe was over 1,500 feet. It was an amazing experience! In between zips, you hike or climb or pull yourself up on a rope. It is quite invigorating.

OVERALL:
I had a great time. There is nothing negative that I can say about the entire experience. The guides were fabulous and friendly. They knew each of us by name after the first couple of zips. If there is one thing I wish I had done is take my camera/phone. I didn't take it with me on the hike because I thought I would have dropped it. All the videos in my short vid were taken with both of my niece's phones.

NeenaLove Epiphanies: Moana Movie

I am on a flight headed home to Hawai'i but this journey home is different.

I will be 42 in exactly one month. I have blogged continuously in recent months that this is not exactly what 42 is supposed to look like for me. And I have made crucial decisions in recent days and weeks that will move me in an entirely different direction. If there is any time that I should reinvent myself, now is the time.

Interestingly enough, I am watching Disney's Moana cartoon. When I saw this movie in the theatre, I cried my eyes out. There are so many similarities to my life in this movie. In typical Pacific Island cultures, a single woman remains home until she is married off. Well, I am the survivor of two failed marriages and my father is now worried about my well-being, about me being "taken care of," and his concern for my safety. I get it. I get that a parent wants to keep their child safe and far, far away from unnecessary risk and danger. However, I have been on my own for a very long time and am fully capable of caring for my temporal needs. I appreciate that I have such a concerned father and my brothers are ALWAYS, ALWAYS looking out for me. I feel so "spoiled" by them.

Though I can care for my temporal needs, I often find myself so needy for emotional support. A very special person has consistently stepped up, offering his time and his ears and priceless counsel on my broken heart. My closest friends have also been so pivotal in my healing. Whether it was offering a welcome distraction with a late night trip to the bar, buying me an airplane ticket to get off the rock, sitting next to me and crying like she was getting divorced too, temporarily elevating the mood with a lil something, or just giving positive vibes -- I am so grateful for my dearest friends and family. I should be so lucky, so blessed, to be loved by so many people.

There's a part in the movie where her father forbids her from going beyond the reef. And yet Moana is constantly called by the horizon. Her inner voice beckons her to follow the call to go beyond the reef and yet she must balance that voice with her obedience to her father and cultural traditions. I feel that right now - I love that I have such a good relationship with my father and I know he only wants the best for me but there is something far greater calling me to rise to my highest potential. And it requires me to sacrifice the things that I love right now to move toward my life goals. And I see my biggest dreams as so tangible and so within my reach if I just make these sacrifices right now. If I want something different from my life then I have to take different actions. Now. Now is the time to reinvent myself! Also, at the end of the day I need to carve out a life for myself independent of my life with my father and my brothers.

Another thing that I absolutely adore is Moana's relationship with her grandmother. Her grandmother can see Moana's potential so clear and is the right support system to allow Moana to have enough confidence in herself to pursue her dream. Gramma sings to Moana:
You may hear a voice inside 
And if the voice starts to whisper 
To follow the farthest star 
Moana, that voice inside is who you are
I always want to see everyone I come in contact with as God sees them. And I support everyone's most positive ambitions. As I hear a voice whispering, no, shouting at me to change direction in my life, I am going to listen to it. It is who I am and what I was born to do. I can see my star rising. It is so extraordinarily clear.

Vacation Wonderland and Sad Realities

I have been traveling since 14 June. I left Honolulu, Hawai'i and made my way to Baltimore, Maryland first. I hung out with my bestie in her hood, with her family, and spent a bunch of time with her son who is fighting cancer right now. It broke my heart to witness some of the struggles that he is going through and at the same time, I marvel at the strength with which he perseveres. I pray he will be able to fight this fight and triumph over this ugly plague.

On Thursday, 22 June, I made my way down to Blythewood, South Carolina where my cousin just bought a home and is moving in. I am here to help her unpack her things but more than that, I'm here to listen to her tell me what she thinks about what's going on with me. She always tells me that her life changed when I gave her a couple of bits of advice that she took to heart. I find that so funny that I can give advice on someone else's problems but can't seem to solve my own. I guess that's just the way it is. There is absolutely no doubt that she is my "soft spot" to land. And there is no doubt that I feel like I am hitting rock bottom right now and need a soft spot to land. My rock bottom does not seem too bad when I step back and look at the big picture but it feels like crap and I just wish I could be done with all this hard stuff.

South Carolina is beautiful. My "real" camera was lost in a car accident that I was involved in a couple of months ago. Thank God that my cell phone takes pretty good pictures. Some of these older, historic towns have so much character. I love how green it is here and the acres and acres of trees all around. Some areas have beautiful rolling hills and corn fields. I love the slow, slow pace in the small towns. The heat and humidity is right up my alley. The only thing missing for me is the ocean. The coast has the ocean but it doesn't quite look like the Pacific. I don't think I will ever find a place on this planet as beautiful as my island home.

Last night I was listening to someone sing a cover of Whitney Houston's song, "I Have Nothing." I don't know why that song just rocks me every time I hear it. This whole break-up/divorce from my ex is just so overwhelming. I seek for "band-aids" in the form of men or a man to soothe my aching heart, to validate me, to make me feel needed and wanted. And the strange thing is that I know that I need to piece myself back together and not rely on any outside forces to make my heart feel better. I must gather the strength and courage to stand alone through this until I am completely at peace with the circumstances of my life. I want to throw myself into my writing with fierce passion and spread my wings and fly above my pain. I feel so broken inside that the only thing that I really can do to make it all better is take care of me.

So often, I break down and shed tears just thinking of the life I had before all of this. I miss him so much and yet I'm so mad at him for putting me in this predicament. For giving up on us. For leaving me so lost in love and so broken. I pretend that life is good and that I'm moving toward a beautiful life but this part right now, this transition thing happening, it hurts like hell. I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I'm faced with the madd reality that I am alone in this world. I miss his companionship. I miss his scent. I miss his beautiful smile. I miss his strong arms holding me tight. I wish him well today and every day and hope that he finds his happiness.

Happy Birthday Mom

She would have been 69 today... miss her everyday!

Sending Love in the Face of Goodbye

My ex-husband was my favorite subject for photographing. I loved taking his picture. In our travels, he always looked so international and I loved that about him and about us. I once thought that there was no one in this whole entire world that I would rather trot the globe with. He is thoroughly as unafraid of foreign destinations as I am. In our adventures together, I have photographed him in beautiful settings. Urban. Cultural. Scenic. I will miss that since we no longer have any association.

I will miss how mobile he and I were. His health and fitness and mine made us ideal companions. We used to take long hikes, vigorous hikes, all in the name of health and wellness. We traveled all over the world together and I thought, for sure, that this journey would last a lifetime. God knows I miss him but I will never let him see me cry again. One day he might regret walking away from US or he might not. Either way, I am okay with how things are turning out because all I have to worry about is ME and only ME now.

One day, when I'm not so sad from our break up, I will be able to look back at us with fondness. For the most part, I do appreciate the time we have shared. I appreciate the good times we've had together. I will always remember the fiery passion we had in the beginning. Flames were so hot that it had me marrying him just seven months after meeting him and we lasted thirteen years. We have done so many different things together. We've shared experiences together that I will probably never share with another. His strength, his concern for me (when we were happy), his handsome face and beautiful body is imprinted on my memory. 

I will miss his family. I felt so connected to them the minute I met them. When my ex was deployed to Iraq, I would visit my in-laws without him. I would drive down to Alabama and spend time there. My ex mother-in-law would call me and check on me all the time. I have met his extended family also and already miss them so much. From Oklahoma to Alabama, I know them all. I always looked forward to visiting my in-laws in Alabama. I always feel so spoiled when I'm out there. I could sleep all day if I wanted to. I could lock myself in the room and watch T.V. all day or write. I will miss my father-in-law's cooking. He knew what my favorite dishes were and would always fix it for me. Low Country Boil was ALWAYS on the menu. Of course I would have to bake while I was there. Sometimes I'd make my father's famous bean soup for them. They loved that. **heavy sigh**

Tomorrow, we take care of one of the last pieces of business between us. We sign closing documents on the sale of our house. When he called me to confirm the appointment, I started to tear up after we hung up the phone. And then the flow of tears came gushing as I remembered our life together. I miss him. I miss his presence in my life and when he was happy, it was so magical to see him laughing and joking. We will always have this special time in our lives to look back on. Though I look forward with excitement at the road ahead of me, a part of me will always think back on what could have been between us.

I don't have a relationship to run to. I don't want to run into a new relationship. What I want is to discover me again; to be the girl that I was before this marriage. I love the freedom I have experienced since me and the ex split. I feel so free and so mobile. I have traveled more in the last five months than I have throughout our marriage and I love that. I have always wanted to feel this free - free to do whatever my heart desires. I want to date and have fun and not be so concerned about any particular significant other. I have been in relationships since I was 18 years old. I met my ex-ex-husband when I was 18. From day one that we met, it quickly blossomed into love. It was very apparent that it was going that route. And I waited for him. Waited three years til he was ready to marry me. After six years of marriage, he called it quits and I jump into the marriage that just ended. So I think I'm done, for now, with serious relationships. I just want to be free.

As I get ready to work up the nerve to see my ex-husband tomorrow, I think of how much I have grown in the past couple of months. I hope that he has grown as well. I send him love and light and all the happiness that one can hold to sustain him through life's meandering roads.

Our Paths Will Cross Again

The thing is we think we have time.

But we don't.

Everyday is, well, often wasted on trivial matters at work or at school or focused on stupid things that will never matter and possibly don't matter right now.

The things that really matter happen with people you love or people you used to love but don't anymore; or people that you used to love but have allowed years of anger to build up between you.

The things that really  matter happen when forgiveness prevails and anger and hurt dissipate into oblivion.

The things that really matter happen when unconditional love and unconditional acceptance are the common bond between me and thee;

**heavy sigh**


My hanai brother passed peacefully in the wee hours of Saturday, May 3rd, 2014. The details surrounding his passing is best preserved in my memory and private journal. It was sudden and unexpected.

I thank you "e-fee". That was my name for him. I am so grateful for all the ways you have been a shining light in my life. And though your light fades in this world, I know it is a bright, shining sun in the next. I love you. I miss you. I honor you!

The best thing about death is that it is an utter realization of my own mortality. I honor his transition into his next birth. I cherish the moment that I will meet him again, in whatever incarnation he appears. I trust that our paths will cross again in some unknown location, across the stars, and somewhere in the wide universes; I believe. No, I know we will meet again and we will love and know each other and pick up right where we left off.

'Awapuhi Memory

My mother would have been 65 this year. As the years move on past the day she departed, I long to hear her voices and I wish so hard that I had taken the time to talk to her more about her childhood. I wish I made it a point for us to travel to Samoa together when she was healthy. I know she would not want me to live with regrets so I don't. When I see her again we will speak as if we had never known any time or distance.

I went to her grave site to place some artificial flowers there. My father had already placed fresh flowers from Mother's Day and Memorial Day and we have artificial purple hydrangeas there. Purple was her favorite color. In the last years of her life, my mother made me promise that her funeral would have lots of flowers. I carried that request over. My only wish is that I had bought her flowers while she was alive.

The morning of the day she passed away, my mother woke up just before I left for work. Usually, when I would leave for work, I would look in on her to let her know my schedule for the day. She was usually still asleep and would not rise until after 9am. That morning, she was rushing to get outside and into the yard while I was getting ready for work. I was running late that morning and my ride was waiting on me in the driveway. As I was getting into her van, my mother came running to me from the side of the house. Running, as in wobbling. My mother had broken her leg several years ago and the screws in her knee made it difficult for her to get around. In her hands were stalks of white 'awapuhi ginger that she had cut from her flower patch. The smell of the 'awapuhi will always remind me of her.

She says, "Babe, here," as she attempts to hand me the stalks of ginger.

"Get a vase from the wash room and put this in your office."

In my rush to get to work and my impatience with the disruption of doing that, I tell her that I'm running late and I have to get to work. "Tomorrow," I say. "I'll take it tomorrow."

I will never forget that interaction. As I write this, I tear up thinking about moments like these.

My mother grew up in Samoa. She did not have indoor plumbing until she was well into her teen years and ready to leave home. They preferred cooking in the umu (google "umu samoa") or over an open fire. I think it is that upbringing that made her hold on to 'stuff' even if we had no immediate use for the 'stuff'. I always scolded her about hoarding things (sorry Mom for being so cheeky). Take these urns, for instance, in the pictures; these urns sat around the house for years. She had purchased them a long time ago to make floral arrangements for my great-grandmother's grave and my grand-aunt and my great-grandfather's and another aunt's grave. I hassled her constantly about getting rid of them because they were taking up space under the bathroom counter. She fussed at me for being so wasteful. I fussed back! She never did get around to using them and I'm glad because now they adorn her grave.

Reflecting Death

The past two months have been such a roller coaster. With all the different funerals and deaths that I have dealt with in the past couple of weeks, I am emotionally overwhelmed (not in a bad way). Life is short. People I love will come and go in my life and just because they're gone from my presence doesn't mean that they aren't alive in me.

We buried Uncle Roy today. When my mother moved here from Samoa she lived with his family. He was a little boy when she came through but my mother always spoke so highly of his mother.  If I remember correctly, my mother left Samoa to attend the Church College of Hawai'i and to escape my grandmother's attempt to marry her off. I did whatever I could to assist in making the memorial services for Uncle Roy a success. From decorations to set-up and execution, ordering flower leis, following-up on food orders, making sure there are enough workers to assist in different things. **whew** I feel like I put in more work than when my own mother passed...but that's because others served me in my own preparation to send my mother off. I put in work in remembrance of my mother and my mother's love for Uncle Roy's mother. I wonder if other people think about the relationships from the past and serve in "remembrance of"...? Both my mother and Uncle Roy are gone from my presence but I know that their energy is out there somewhere in the great big universe. A piece of them are alive in me.

Death has a way of making people reflect on life and the people they love. Surely I have contemplated my mortality since the passing of my mother. I think of my father and how wonderful he still looks at 70 years of age. I think of preparing a living will to tie up all the loose ends and helping my father get his stuff together also. But most importantly I need to sort out the stuff that really matters and hold on to it; sort out the stuff that's just FLUFF and let it all go. Ultimately, the thing that matters most is my family and the people that are closest to me. I want them each to know how much I love them.

Perhaps this is a continuation of my previous "Letting Go" post. I have to release my feelings in some way, shape, or form. I have become so infatuated/obsessed with death, dying, and the "whatever" of life after death. I read through my most recent book, Proof of Heaven, in a day or two. It's a neuroscientist's account of his journey beyond death and back again. It was a short, simple read and I enjoyed it (for the most part).

I love to dream about tomorrow, about what life will be like after this dreaming. There are so many traditions in the world that discuss the afterlife and I think all of them have a measure of truth in them; from purgatory to reincarnation to multiple lives -- they all have something I want or something I hope is true. What if one lifetime is not enough? I wouldn't mind coming back through the ages to find my friends. It almost seems like the ULTIMATE game to play.... hide-and-seek through the eternities. **sigh**

When I wake from this dreaming, I hope to see my mother and my grandmothers there, grandfathers that I have never met, my uncles and aunts, cousins, and dear friends. I hope they will meet me at the beginning of my journey and help me cross over.

Thoughts of Her

The thought of my mother pops into my head on many occasions. It will be in random moments when her memory is least expected.

In a sea of Red at a Kahuku High School football game

While playing sudoku on my phone

Looking at a Facebook picture that I uploaded several weeks ago that my father commented on saying, "No one mourns her loss more than me."

Looking at an unkempt yard

Looking at an immaculate kitchen or a spotless living room

I miss her.

I miss her everyday and it seems like I miss her more as time passes.

Things that she's taught me seems to make complete sense now. While she was here, I seemed to fight against her wisdom and logic.

She lives on in me in a way that I thought I would never appreciate. All her countless hours of tireless, patient teaching has affected me so profoundly.

These past few days, I've been fighting a cold. When I was at my worse, I instantly thought of the many times my mother bathed and nurtured me as a child. No doubt, I took her for granted while she was here on the earth. For that, I regret every moment I spent fighting against her wisdom.

And yet, it is in our disagreements that I have come to continually discover "ME".

My mother is one of my greatest teachers and I look forward to reuniting with her.... I know when I do see her again, it will be like no time at all had passed.

Please grant me the endurance to get through this lifetime relatively quickly and full of lasting memories as I journey toward my next lifetime... ever searching to meet with HER again.

Missing Her So Much

I miss my momz...

...but I just realized how hard this must be for my father. As I try to sort out my own feelings, I haven't been able to see past my own nose. Today, I sat with my father and tried to express to him how hard it has been for me to process the loss of my mother combined with the distraction of two cousins that never left since their arrival prior to my mother's funeral.

He said one sentence that just broke my heart: "I wish I could be wherever she is."

I wish I could be with her too....

I can't wait to see her again.

I can't believe how hard this has been.

Make the World Go Away

So much is going on in my home. It's driving me insane. I cannot stand one more minute.

My mother passed on June 30th. We held off with the funeral until everyone was here for our family reunion at the end of July. My mother's eldest brother left two of his children when he left after the funeral. I am absolutely FRAZZLED by their presence in my home and their inability to fit into our household paradigm.

I haven't even had a chance to mourn the loss of my mother and I'm stuck with two strangers in my home. (Even though they are my 1st cousins, I only met them once before.) It adds to my sense of loss because normally my mother would deal with her family. I can't even begin to explain the crazy things that have happened since these strangers came to our home.

I am ready to EXPLODE.
I wish they would just GO HOME.

They are grown adults (over 21) and I have to tell them to clean up around the house, to take a shower, clean the bathroom, wash the dishes. What did their parents teach them? They are just THORNS in my side.

I miss my mom... wish I could just "be" in my house without the extra baggage around.

I Miss You Mom

I'm really missing my mom right now. She has been on my mind all day. I wish she were here because she always knows just the right thing to say or do.

We didn't have enough time.

I miss her so much!

Closeness

Day 02 - A picture of the person you have been closest with the longest

 So here's my second photo. My dear cousin is like... like... we are like peas in a pod. I consider many of my friends and family very close including my husband. But this girl seems to be the constant. She was in the wedding line of my first wedding... was there when I got divorced. Was my roommate when I met my husband. Now, we're contemplating business together. My sister moved away to Washington with her birth family. Mahea's sisters moved away and they could probably rival the "closeness" but... THEY ALL MOVED AWAY! I wish they would all come back. LOL

Unfolding My Feelings

Everything feels so unreal lately. My mother's passing has made things different. I've been trying to get used to a new reality and so has my father and my brothers, my husband and everyone around us. Life hasn't been overly depressing. I'm grateful that everyone around me is coping so well. This makes the process of grieving and mourning one of celebration rather than sadness. I know that is what my mother would want.

My mother has had so many complications with her health and wellness. Her death allows her to move beyond this life and dimension and it's a good thing for her. She is free from the body that kept her so trapped.

Niece #3 is coping well. She's all of 4 years old and is just the most precious 4-year old on the planet. Sis-in-law told her that "mama" went to heaven.

NIECE #3: She went to heaven already? But I didn't get to say bye.

As soon as she said that, she started singing some random song while my brother and sis-in-law were fighting back bittersweet tears. Bitter because mom is gone to heaven but sweet because NIECE #3 put it in the right context. What we're really grieving is that there was no goodbye and we will miss her presence in our life.

My Bishop, in his visits with our family, said, "Your mom is not gone. She is here, in you."

When people used to say that I am just liker her I thought it was such a terrible thing. I did not want to be like my mom. She was too forward, too honest, too controlling. At the same time though, she had the biggest heart. She took in everyone's children. She helped anyone that needed help. She volunteered to help with anything and everything even with her failing health. She was the definition of charity. As I review my life with my mother, I am so grateful to have had her in my life and to even be compared to her in some small way. And all the things that I did not like about her are actually the qualities I appreciate the most in other people. Isn't that funny? I prefer brute honesty over fake-ness and my mother was always good for a dose of straight-up HONESTY. :-D Makes me smile just thinking of all the many times she's checked me and anybody else that needed to be checked!

The coming months may find me blogging often about her as a way of unfolding my feelings. It makes me feel closer to her.