I'm In Love With Another Man

My 16-year old niece shared this song with me over the Christmas Break. I'm In Love With Another Man performed by Jazmine Sullivan. Scroll down, I embedded the YouTube video at the bottom of this post. Maybe you can play it while you read this post.

I don't know if she understands the lyrics of the song but she had this on repeat (along with The Greatest Showman soundtrack) every day. Today, as I did my lunchtime walkabout around the State Capitol here in Columbia, South Carolina, the song came up on my playlist. As I listened to the lyrics and to the nuances of Jazmine's voice and the rising intensity of the song, I hoped that my niece identifies with that rather than the lyrics. Surely, she's much too limited in experience to understand the dilemma, right?!

As I made my way along the sidewalks of Downtown Columbia, I placed the song on REPEAT. I was immediately thrown back to the spring of 1994. My boyfriend at the time was a lovely man. Well, without divulging too much about myself in relation to him, we were in love even with all the obstacles that should have kept us apart. I thought I was in love. I thought what he and I had was love. Up until that point, what he and I had is what I would define as LOVE. Then one hot and sunny April day, while my boyfriend was away for work, I met someone else.

I wish I could say that I was a good girlfriend and turned away from the advances of the "someone else." But I didn't. I had a terrible headache the day I met someone else and I was grouchy, tired, probably dehydrated, and I just wanted to sleep. My friends that I was hanging with were in full-party-mode and the chances were slim of me finding somewhere to lay my head to rest and nurse my aching head.

If I could, could forget him
I would, please believe me
And I know that I should throw the towel in
But baby, it's not, not that easy
You treat me so much better than him
And if I were sane there'd be no competition

The song's lyrics set up a likely dilemma for a soap opera. Girl has a boyfriend. Girl falls in love with someone else. Someone else is not as nice as her boyfriend but she wants to break from her boyfriend anyway. My situation in 1994 is almost like that but not. I had a boyfriend and I meet someone else and fall in love with someone else. However, unlike the lyrics of the song, someone else treated me just as good, if not better than the boyfriend. So the position of the song doesn't quite fit with my situation but it reminded me of it nonetheless.

I wish I could say that my break from the boyfriend was drama free but it so wasn't. Someone Else stood by me through the many ups and downs that accompanied a relationship with me and the crazy break up with my boyfriend. I knew he was going to be someone special to me the minute I laid my eyes on him. We were driving past him and his friends. He was sitting on a car laughing. I will never forget that strange feeling I had when I saw him and this was before we even met formally. Like I said, I wish I were a better girlfriend and remained true to my man but that was not in the stars. Someone else stole me away. Well, I wouldn't say stole because I went with him willingly. Whole-heartedly.

It was just going to be a fling. That's what I had put into my mind. Boyfriend would never be the wiser. That is not how it turned out. When "someone else" and I met, there was a definite buzz between us. Electricity. Sparks. Flames. Hell, it was a fire even with the gnawing headache that I was nursing. After meeting that Sunday evening, flirting, we exchanged numbers then parted ways. There was no denying the attraction between us and I was curious where the sparks would lead.

MONDAY LUNCH TIME - He calls me. We make plans to meet up again. I was so impressed that he called when he said he would.... and the butterflies fluttered aimlessly through my belly.

MONDAY NIGHT - A few of my girls accompanied me to his apartment. After all, we just met and I wasn't comfortable going there by myself. His room mates were there also. And with all the people around us, both he and I just wanted to be alone. The animal attraction between us was sparking hotter than it was the night before. We were both being polite for all the other people there. If they weren't there, our lips would have locked a whole lot sooner. Instead, we kissed as I was attempting to leave with my girls and the rest is history.

I saw him the entire time that boyfriend was off on a work trip. I was instantly smitten by "the someone else" and I knew I could not return to my boyfriend. I tried. I really did. Someone else and I even agreed to continue seeing each other even after my boyfriend returned. I was not happy with boyfriend. Suddenly, he wasn't enough. I tried to pretend that nothing happened while boyfriend was away but I could not forget the way someone else made me feel, the endless conversations we had, how he loved my body, how I felt so safe, and there was just no way to deny that I had fallen madly, deeply in love with someone else.

Oh but when I'm with him, but when I'm with him
When I'm with him, ain't nothing else like it
I'm so sorry baby that I have to do this to you
But I can't go on pretending
Cause I love him, I love him
And I'm so sorry, do you hear me?
I'm so sorry but I love that man
I love that man

In the end - it happened just like the song.

I'm in love with another man
And I'm so sorry, hey
But I love someone else

...When One Is Born From the Last...

The way it was told to me goes like this:

Quick Review - King Drac saves the kingdom but wifey dies, but she gives him all her blood to save their son. She tells him she will see him in her next life. 800 years later they run into each other and she is drawn to him and he to her.

With that great review, I had to make some time to watch Dracula Untold. I was not expecting a love story at all but it was indeed a love story mixed with great action scenes and computer graphics. 

There was one particular scene that made me tear up. Prince Vlad is experiencing angst over his decision to be a vampire to save his people and defeat the Turks. He must send his wife away to the monks while he remains behind to finish the Turks. His beautiful wife tells him, remember our vows?

Why think separately of 

this life and the next

when one is born 

from the last

The words of the poem - so easy and beautiful. A google search reveals that that poem is a verse in Love and Death by Rumi. Prince Vlad and his wife embrace, they kiss as they part ways. Prince Vlad heading into battle to single-handedly defeat the Turk army with his supernatural, vampiric powers. His Princess leaving with their child to flee from the chaos. Their passion for each other was so real on the screen. I felt like I was peeking in on a private moment between a real couple rather than two actors. There was a sense of urgency that was almost tangible.

My niece recently played the starring role in her school's rendition of AIDA. I was so moved by her performance. I am so proud of how talented and smart my nieces and nephews are and that's not a biased opinion. They really are so smart and so respectful and so talented. I am so grateful that they have such good parents to guide them on this life journey.

The short story line behind AIDA is kind of similar to how Dracula Untold was explained to me -- it's about a romance that spans several lifetimes. Aida is enslaved by an Egyptian general. He gives Aida as a gift to his fiancee, the Pharoah's daughter. However, the attraction between the general and Aida grows and they become lovers right under the nose of the Pharoah's daughter. When their love affair is discovered, the Pharoah's daughter sentences them to death and the mercy she gives them is that they may be entombed together. The closing scene shows the general and Aida being entombed. Immediately after, the same two characters that played Aida and the general appear on stage in different clothing, from a different era, looking at the tomb of the two lovers. They look at each other as if there is something familiar between them and thus another love affair, in another lifetime begins again.

This brings me back to the significance of the poem:

Why think separately of this life and the next when one is born from the last?

I want to think that the relationships I have here and in this world were born from the last... not just the romantic ones but all of the friendships and familial ties! I think of a particular instance when my #3 niece was just learning to talk. She was probably two or three and we were having this very intense discussion about something. I can't recall. She turned to me and said, "Remember Aunty? It happened when I was bigger than you." Without skipping a beat, I asked her what we looked like and she went on and on about it and then suddenly stopped and changed the subject. I could not get her back to revisiting the lifetime when she was bigger than me. Since that moment, this niece of mine has a special place in my heart because of her remembrance of our lifetime before.

With the demise of both of my marriages, I feel like maybe there might be something wrong with me. That somehow, the way I deal with things in a relationship is not conducive to fostering longevity. So if I did indeed know both of my husbands from a previous lifetime and we repeat these same relationships then I suppose I am not learning a thing. There is something I am doing that causes the failure of the relationship even though I have a great desire to be loved and to give love completely and through all generations of time. I love to be in love. I want these love affairs to move in sync from lifetime to lifetime.

I am reminded of Erykah Badu's song, Next Lifetime. She talks about how she's in a relationship, maybe a marriage, but felt a strong attraction to another man. She is resigned to the fact that nothing can come of their mutual attraction to each other. Instead, she tells him that she'll see him NEXT LIFETIME. I can say, emphatically, that I have never allowed myself to be attracted to another man while I was married. I pride myself on my stubborn loyalty to both men that I was married to. When I say "I Do," I really mean it. I may not be the best girlfriend but I am a damn loyal wife.

Now that my world has opened up again, I am allowing myself to feel attraction again. I am opening up my energy field to the men around me. While I was married, I closed that part of me off to anyone. My love energy was not available to anyone but my husband. I'm sad that he allowed himself to be attracted to other women and rather be single and free. I have been thinking of him so often in the past couple of days. I hope he is well. I hope he is happy. I've always wanted that for him even if it's without me. I wish him happiness and joy. Though I miss him so much, it's more because I just spent the last thirteen years sharing the same space with him. The man he has become in the last year is definitely not the one that I married so he can continue on in his evolution / devolution. One day, maybe in my/our next lifetime, we will get it right and we both can heal the parts of us that are hurting. I suppose the same could be said of the other man I loved so completely (my first husband). **heavy sigh**

#iStillBelieveInLove

Temptation & Romance

I seen the preview for Tyler Perry's new flick, Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor. Ooooh it looks good! I mean every woman can identify with some of the issues they are attempting to bring forward. The story has mass appeal based on its focus on the untold desires of every loyal wife in America. I wish I were invited to the media release viewing because I am dying to see it and it doesn't hit the theaters until March 29th.  That seems so far away.

The premier of  the new season of Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal on OWN has me entirely intrigued by the topic of infidelity. Men and women have different reasons for wanting to cheat but at the core of extramarital affairs is that there is a need for a person to be wanted, to be needed, and to be loved.

I have not been a fan of the Unfaithful series because I am a firm believer that there is no real excuse for people to cheat on their spouses. A fully mature and grown up person will, of their own free will and desire, end one relationship before starting another. That just seems the most logical way, the most humane way to deal with other human beings. It's hurtful up front but not deceitful! The deceit is what really hurts, in my opinion.

**getting off my soapbox**

What I think about the whole cheating issue is idealistic, of course. In the heat of passion, physical attraction, and romance it is difficult to shun the nagging feelings. I totally get it! When I was separated from my first husband, there were definitely times that even a little bit of attention from the opposite sex thrilled me. I am still amazed at how faithful I was to that man through all the turmoil. Thinking about it breaks my heart all over again. I just remember the pain, the rejection. I felt like such a fool. I can say with a clear conscience that I was so very faithful to that man. Such a fool for love.

Everyone has a deep need to feel loved and to be swept off their feet into a frenzy of romantic seduction. This is possibly what leads people to find pleasure and romance outside of a committed relationship. I remember in high school, just hearing Keith Sweat's I'll Give All My Love To You made me swoon and imagine love scenes being played out. Mind you, I did not experience a "real kiss" until I was 17 so my fantasies were relatively light-weight... candle light, music, slow dancing, and kissing and hugging... that was the extent of my romantic interlude fantasies.

So advice to people in committed relationships right now: Do something wild and crazy and out of character for your mate. Put something on them that is so severe that they will fantasize about it for the next month.

The Awakening, Continued

This began as The Awakening.

* * * * * * * He made me feel so alive.

Maybe it was due to the number of years I had been so numb. The ONLY man to ever break my heart had made me numb from the countless years of neglecting me. That feeling creeps up on me from time to time. It's evident in some of my posts. For the most part, I'm OVER it though. So anyway.....

He made me feel so alive. Regardless of the "whys" (why he made me feel so alive), I had never felt this way before. And if I did, I was NOT recognizing it at all. How had a simple evening out lead to this awakening? It was like there was a dragon asleep inside of me and he had brought it back from eternal slumber.

My life was in such turmoil when "A." came into my world. My mind was telling me that I shouldn't be involved with a man so soon after breaking up with the ex. My mind was telling me that this man was going to break my heart just like the last one did. My mind was telling me that EVERYONE was going to think I was crazy for jumping back into the dating game. But my heart was telling me otherwise. I followed my heart.

Our first date ended at 5am. (We didn't sleep together... I know that's what yall are thinking. **giggles**) "A." had mentioned many times that he wanted to spend the next day with me. I didn't pay any mind to it because I'd believe it when it actually happened. This is where we pick up where we left off.

I made it back to my apartment safe and sound. I was so tired and so in need of sleep. At the same time, I was so excited and feeling so ALIVE. I quickly fell asleep with a HUGE smile on my face. It had to have been only an hour later when my cell phone awoke me. It was this dude, RSW... a friend that wanted MUCH MORE than friendship. I gave him the brush-off and went back to sleep.

I knew I had to get up. It was Easter Sunday 2003 and I wanted to attend services. Before I got ready for church, I called Chele to tell her what's been goin' on with me. Divorce. blah blah blah. Somebody sucked my toes. blah blah blah. RSW wanted more. blah blah blah. The list went on and on. So anyway, I went to church. There was three missed calls on my cell phone. None of them were from A... the one who said he'd like to spend the day with me. **sigh** I was bummed.

So I carried on. I returned the three phone calls. 1st - Ree... my "sister" in St. Louis. 2nd - Work... they had a mini-crisis. Finally... RSW -- apparently he wanted to spend the day with me as well. Since A. hadn't called yet and it was just past noon, I decided to take my butt to RSW's place. I hadn't been there even an hour and my phone started ringing again. Work... mini-crisis solved. Then... the man that was waking every single NERVE in my body, "A.", called.

I did a quick exit. Told RSW that I had to help prepare Easter Dinner for some friends and BOUNCED! What really happened is that A. had called and I needed to be away from RSW to talk to A. LOL... When I finally got into my car, I called A. back.

"I told you I'd like to spend the day with you," he said.

I didn't want to seem too EAGER so I played with him for a minute. What our conversation finally whittled down to was that I'd head out to his place.

When I layed eyes on him again, the butterflies fluttered in my belly MORE wildly than the evening before. I was so excited to be near him. As soon as I got there my cell started ringing again. I know folks are wondering why I didn't just turn the durn thing off. LOL... I had to leave it on because my job payed part of my bill. That particular phone conversation had me tied up for like thirty minutes. It was almost RUDE except A. was preparing an early dinner so he didn't really mind.

When he served dinner, we ate. He commented on my dress. He thought I got all dressed up for him when really I just hadn't been home since I left to go to church. LOL. Go figure. I could have let him think I did do it for him BUT... that is just NOT. MY. STYLE. lol... I had to tell him the truth -- "Don't flatter yaself!!!"

We talked on into the evening. He asked me to spend the night and we argued back and forth about it... it was just NOT MY STYLE. Reality -- I was scared. Prior to A., I had been with just my EX for six years. I didn't know what to expect of a man other than the ex. But you know what... I didn't let it stop me. I decided I'd stay the night. And its funny because, we slept in the same bed... but we didn't "sleep" together.

Like in Waiting to Exhale when Bernadine(Angela Bassett) and James(Wesley Snipes) get a hotel room... and they talkin' about how they've never done this before, etc. and the mental note you make in your head is that they're about to knock some serious boots. What actually happens is NOTHING. Nothing happens. The camera pans out and the only thing that has happened is that they fell asleep in each others arms, fully clothed. Kinda sweet isn't it?

Well, that's what happened with myself and A. I wanted to feel him next to me but I didn't want to "consummate". He would need more than some cute dimples and a flawless body to get that done. So we fell asleep in each others arms. He totally respected me. Of course he tried but I didn't let him... and he was very respectful. These first few evenings that we spent together SET ME UP to fall in love. I knew I was consciously going to yearn for this man and there was no turning back. He was VERY respectful of the boundaries I had. That was more precious than anything, to me. And he made me feel like a NEW WOMAN.

We never spent another day apart after that for two ENTIRE months. He awakened me. The only question is, what had he awakened me for?