Preface 2014, Part III

The rest of the questionnaire I ripped from oprah.com:

1. That One Quote

Pinterest has tons of quotes that I love to repin. What I do with some of my favorites is download them, print then glue them into my diary.  So here is the quote I am loving right now. I actually found this one on FaceBook, along with the picture of that beautiful owl. It reads:

"A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking because her trust is not on the branch but on its own wings."
 
I know I'm not a bird but this quote is a reminder to always believe in myself. Probably one of the hardest habits I have to overcome is doubting my inner voice. I could probably list a dozen reasons why my inner voice has been stifled but that would be a different post. What I know right now is that I must trust my intuition and follow it even if its scary as hell, even if it requires a large amount of courage, even if it pushes me to do things I have never done before.... today, I choose to BELIEVE IN ME and I hope this guides me through 2014 and the rest of my life. I can definitely do hard things. Burying my mother and the events that ensued the month preceding her burial was a lot to bear but it probably pales in comparison to what my father carries with him since her departure.


2. The Best Surprise I've Ever Had

13-year old ME

When I was 13, my mother threw me a surprise birthday party. I can't say that the party was memorable. I can't even remember what we did and whether we played games or not. I just remember waking up that day and our house was abuzz with people and the smell of my favorite foods cooking. The day was the Saturday after my birthday so I didn't suspect anything because my birthday was two days prior. My mother always made a big deal about our birthdays. I miss her so much as I recollect all the things that I took for granted about her.

Normally, my mother worked us hard. If she was providing some type of service for someone like cooking (she was famous for that), this would mean that all of us had to get up and help. I love that she taught us that. I cherish that service quality that she instilled in us. Anyway, I keep getting sidetracked by my memories of my mother. That particular morning, she didn't bug me. She didn't wake me up at the butt crack of dawn. I actually got to sleep in. That is so rare in my mother's house. It didn't matter that you stayed up late the night before, you were getting up on Saturday to do chores.

Me and my mom... probably age 10?

When I made it out of my bedroom that morning, so much of my extended family was already there busying themselves about the house in preparation for this party that I was just finding out about. I asked my mother why we were having a party. She told me it was my cousin's birthday. I thought that was odd since it was so close to mine and I was just now finding out about it. She hurried me into the shower and picked out an outfit for me. She loved picking my clothes and I hated how she would dress me or do my hair. When I was done getting ready she handed me some green crepe paper (my favorite color) to stream around the garage. I was thinking, "Wow. My cousin and I have so many things in common." As I'm hanging the streamers, some of my friends start showing up. So odd that they would come to my cousin's party. At this point, I am still clueless.

Finally, the last of my friend's arrive and they're helping me put up streamers and blow balloons. Then my mom directs the crowd and they all scream SURPRISE. I was so stunned and very embarrassed; so embarrassed that I started crying. It was the best surprise because I was clueless up until they screamed SURPRISE. That is the only thing I remember about that party. Thanks to my mom for all the wonderful birthday parties over the years!



3. My True Happiness

The approach to answering this is Daydream-Like. What makes me keep moving through the day and keep my sanity?

There are two distinct dreams that keep me inspired.

First: The fantasy of being a successful, full-time novelist and author - I have started so many novels and have not finished any of them. I want to write the story I wish I had to read when I was a teenager. In the past couple of decades, more Pacific Island authors have emerged. The commercial success of the movie Whale Rider has placed our people in high regard as gifted story tellers. The success of Lani Wendt Young and her Telesa Series has ignited young and old alike with pride in our island heritage. I want to add my name to the roll of successful Pacific writers. I have stories to tell.

Second: The fantasy of being a very successful business owner. I haven't quite figured out what, exactly, will be my business. I am thinking along the lines of a farm. I have been conflicted with the farm idea and an organic kitchen. What makes more sense is to do both on the same property. The kitchen serves whatever is harvested from the farm. I really want an aquaponic garden. Yes -- I'm reminded of my desire to FARM. The following pictures were taken at Mari's Nursery in Mililani.

How it works

Foam style

Rows and rows of pesticide-free lettuce in the growing phase

Below ground fish containers

Lettuce ready to be harvested

4. My Favorite Failure

Easy -- first marriage. The failure was necessary to push me forward. Truth be told, the ex-husband and I would still be good friends if there were a reason. We don't have any children together so it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to keep in touch but we do. At least once a year we email just to say hi. (Yes... I have told my husband about it just so there are never any secrets between he and I.)


5. An Amendment to the Bucket List

Skydiving for my 40th birthday was on the Bucket List but I change my mind. It's an unnecessary risk for a thrill that I could get by parasaililng (which I've already done) or riding really fast on a boat or peacefully floating in the most beautiful body of water on the planet - the great Pacific. Let's hope Fukushima doesn't do too much damage to the water that I love.
 

Preface 2014, Part II

Ripped these questions from oprah.com -- it's totally my style of writing. It prompts a memoir-type reaction.

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1. What Younger You Would Like About Present you

The picture to my left is a picture of an actual entry in my journal dated February 5th, 1989. "...They called me the ugliest girl in the world..." The younger me that wrote that would love that the person I am now has shaken off the mean-ness of what those people said then. People, especially teenagers, can be mean. Who I am today is very careful about accepting any label that someone else gives me. I only take into consideration the labels that are positive and are from genuine people.

There is a children's book titled You Are Special by Max Lucado. This book is a MUST HAVE for any book collection. I heard it for the very first time about 2 or 3 years ago in a class at church. The teacher read it to the class to set the tone for the lesson she was going to share with us. I don't recall what the lesson was about. The only thing that stuck with me is that story. The city where the Wemmicks live has a system of giving out stars for their favorite people and dots to the people they dislike. Punchinello always seemed to acquire dots and never any stars. This affected how he felt about himself until a fateful day when he happened upon a special person without any stars or dots. Anyway, the me today has not allowed that really mean label of "ugliest girl in the world" to stick to me. That is the best thing that younger me would love about present me.


2. The Watched/ Read It List
The book I'm reading right now is long overdue.... Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. When I was a little girl, I remember clipping an article that ranked Atlas Shrugged in the top ten of most influential books of all time. I never forgot that. Here I am at age 38 just getting around to reading it. So far, it is well-written however I'm still in the beginning stages of the set up of the story.

The last movie I watched is The Secret Life of Walter Mitty starring Ben Stiller. This move was so delicious! That is the best word I can use to describe it. I devoured it and thoroughly enjoyed the story. It was very well-done. At the heart of the story is an average guy who loves his work and is on the brink of being downsized. He works at LIFE magazine and the story is driven by their motto:
To see things thousands of miles away,
things hidden behind walls and within rooms,
things dangerous to come to,
to draw closer,
to see and be amazed.

On a side note - I have always been a fan of magazines. I was co-editor of the yearbook in High School and that is where I fell in love with the whole layout-written-word-photography thing. Even now I subscribe to magazines just to look at the design in it. And for the most part, I do read the articles and consume the pictures. O Magazine is still my favorite. The combination of meaningful articles, fantastic photography and art work, tasteful ad designs, and fabulous layouts makes it my favorite. Thank you Walter Mitty for reminding everyone to live LIFE.


3. The Mistake You Never Want to Make
I always knew that I have never wanted to be a single mother. This is not saying that single mothers are mistakes. I just knew it was/is not for me. Raising a child alone was NEVER on my to do list. I remember a couple of my friends becoming mothers when we were 14, 15 and I just knew that I had other things to do besides being a mother. Anyway, who wants to do it all alone?


4. Your Ideal Outfit

This is such a weird question but I guess it's valid because there is a place inside all of us that wants to be something different than what we are right now. Conservatives probably think about living out some secret, wild life. Piercing their nose or tongue or cheek. Dying their hair hot pink. Doing a mohawk hair style. All of us have some kind of idea of what we're not, what we think we are, and what we would do if we weren't afraid of criticism. So my ideal outfit is pictured here. Visit Monif C.'s website to check out snazzy, downright gorgeous stylings for the plus size woman.

I think this outfit is so fabulous! It comes from Monif C.'s 2012 collection. I love the color, the drama, the designers selection of chiffon, the print, the silhouette of it all.  This is so my style! It is absolutely gorgeous and looks very lux and expensive. I would totally rock this if I were going out to a fancy event tonight but since I'm not, I pinned this dress to my "Fashion Dreams" pinterest board.



5. A Deep, Dark -Shhhh- Secret
My life is such an open book. The stuff that I put on this blog is major evidence! I can't think of anything that I have hidden. Actually, I take that back. My teenage life is fairly a mystery on this blog. Who really talks about what they did as a teenager? Above, I posted a small pic of my journal with those mean words that someone called me. Teenagers can be mean and bully-ish of those guys that called me . I have to say that I was one of those mean, bully-ish people in elementary.

It was the 2nd grade and her name was Jennifer Mackey. I'm not sure if the spelling is correct. She was a fair skinned haole girl with blond hair and light eyes. She used to come to school wearing a rain cap or a wig everyday. At that point in my life, I did not quite understand what it meant when an eight-year-old had to wear a rain cap or a wig to school. Of course now I do but this is thirty years later. I was so mean to her and I can't even remember why except that maybe she was different from us (all my friends). I remember pushing her into the mud. She stood up, started crying, and yelled at me to stop being a bully. She never gave in to my tantrums. She just kept fighting back. I wish I weren't that mean little girl that I was. I wish I could find her and apologize to her for being such a bully.
  

Preface 2014, Part I

I sent out greeting cards this year. I didn't get to everyone on my list. Maybe next year I will prepare early. I can make it a tradition for me to sit down and write Christmas cards the day after Thanksgiving.

This Christmas, I have acquired an affection for Snowmen, Snowflakes, and Stars as the focal points for my decorations. The three esses. The idea of Santa Claus irritates the heck out of me so I don't really incorporate that in any Christmas decor.That was my mother's favorite. We had all types of Santa's around the house during Christmas. Maybe next year, I will use that decor somewhere in the building that I work in. These are two of my favorite shots from my Christmas tree at my dad's house. Click on the image to see it larger.

As I step forward into 2014, I want to do so with a grateful heart. So often, we get caught up in what we want and never consider the bigger picture and the people who have helped us along life's journey. In fact, the greeting cards I sent out this year were to people from my mother and father's generation with a few cards to some of my friends. I found myself getting choked up as I wrote out the cards. I felt like I was saying goodbye or something but really, I just have so much love and gratitude for their contribution to my life.


While others deal with so much struggle in their world, I want to enter 2014 with a peaceful mind. Our lives are the result of our internal feelings and mindset. We create all the circumstances in our lives. So in 2014 -- I'm looking forward to creating the life that I truly want to live. Freedom is at the top of my list. TRUE FREEDOM - unburdening myself from systems that are choking the life out of me.

Mommy Memory

What I learned from my mother, though she has passed, continues in daily, silent epiphanies. I think of her often. Sometimes it's regret for not being a better daughter to her, for not being a better friend to her, for being a miss-know-it-all and not really listening to everything that she wanted to teach  me. I remember as a teenager she wanted to teach me how to crochet and knit. Being the tomboy that I was, I was just NOT interested in knitting. Here I am knocking on 40 years of age and desperately cruising youtube crochet tutorials so that I can finish a beautiful quilt she started. She was such a talented lady. Why did I brush it off when she was here on this planet? I'm sorry mom.

The truth is that I try not to live in the regret of all the things I could have done to honor my mother while she was here in the flesh. I can't say that I feel guilty nor do I feel excessive regret for not cherishing  her more. And that sounds very arrogant and ungrateful but I really had to make peace with my weaknesses in my relationship with her. The day after she died, I went to Pounder's Beach. I witnessed the most glorious sunrise unlike anything I had ever experienced before or since. While there I put my feelings out into the universe. I forgave myself for not being everything I should have been. And I knew then as I know now that there was no need for apologies or forgiveness - only love and compassion.


Since that day I love differently. I look at people differently. I look at situations differently. I stand in the truth of unconditional love and the purity of my thoughts. I don't gauge situations based on rules or on doctrine published somewhere. I listen to my heart. I listen to my gut. I listen to that still, small voice that beckons me to love people on purpose…. to live ON PURPOSE.

TBT: 1994 July 13th, 14th & 15th

Wednesday
July 13th, 1994

RAPE! Wouldn't you call it that? Someone continues to touch you... your body... your sexuality... your womanhood... He goes and goes, even to the point of penetration. Tiny R.NewNew. Better known as... Pacman. He's strong. I know I didn't ask for it and I didn't think it was funny. I just wanna sleep it away. Dream it away. Whatever it takes. Maybe he thought I wanted it. He just kept going. Without hesitation. He had no thoughts that maybe, just maybe I didn't wanna BE with him, even though I kept saying no, no, no. I kept saying Get off. At first I thought it was funny when he was flirting. I didn't think he'd do it!

For a moment
Beauty is lost,
The beholder takes what
         He shouldn't.
No thought of consequence,
Just pleasure.
A thief, a robber,
A conqueror, a destroyer.
Ravaging through Bountiful
Turning it to Babylon.
Guilt, shame
Feelings...
Not his.
Mine to deal with.
Mine to be rid of.

He took what he wanted. I didn't provoke him and if I did, "No still means No." He has ruined a beautiful relationship that I have with Shane. I feel like Shane cares about me. I feel his respect for the woman that I am and the woman I someday will be.

I can't believe that Pac did it. I thought he had more sense. He thinks I'm stupid or something. Probably thought I wouldn't open my mouth. Had no respect for me, for Shane, or even for himself. I don't wanna press charges because it'll ruin his life. But dang, he violated me. When it happened this morning... I really didn't get it. But now it's hitting me. Real hard.

Forget the problems because the day itself is beautiful. Not a cloud in sight. Nothin' but blue skies!!

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Thursday
July 14th, 1994

Hey! I've taken the first step toward pressing charges against Mr. NewNew. I talked to his First Sergeant.  I even called 9-1-1. All I gotta do is file a report. He forced himself on me and that just ain't right. The only family member I've told is Cliff. He says to tell my mom and dad. Shane said that I should tell them also. I'm just afraid of what they'll think. Will they still love me?

I don't know why I'm thinking of his feelings when he didn't think of mine. He took from me my trust in men, in male friends, and the joy of making love. He just couldn't take no for an answer. He couldn't see that I didn't want the same thing that he did. I told him to get off. Everything was happening so fast. It all started when he started tickling me. I got up and moved. I sat at the edge of the bed. He kept telling me, "Are you ready? Are you ready?" I was thinking that I should just try to be calm and play it off. "Pac, can't you wait?" Obviously, his response was 'No'. I knew what would happen next and I knew he wouldn't take no for an answer. He kept pulling up my dress. He hopped on top of me and just did what he pleased. He thought it was so funny. I laughed just to hide the pain behind a smile.

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Friday
July 15th, 1994

For now, everything is done. I made a report --> tape recorded. Shane did one too. We had to go downtown for it, at the Criminal Investigation Division. We met with Detective Larry Tamashiro. After that, he sent me to Kapiolani Women & Children's Center where I was examined by a doctor - a female. She was accompanied by a nurse named Lisa. Oh they were so sweet. Then there's Shane. Just where would I be without his support? Where would I be without his understanding? He pushes me to do the right thing. What am I gonna do when he leaves in November? Rape -- the subject is getting tired.

I just been crying all day. More than any other day since. I feel like I provoked it. Like I encouraged it or something... this stupid RAPE. What is even crazier is that I feel like Shane shouldn't care for me because of everything that's happening.

This morning my brother and I was in mom and dad's room. Mom told him what happened. He just cried and hugged me and expressed his love for me. All I could do was cry. I don't know what to feel anymore. I just feel stupid. I feel yucky. I feel dirty. But you know what? I am strong! I am gonna get through this. Whether alone or not. Whether I win or lose. At least I tried. Face this fear of failure and I'm gonna get through. The hard thing about the whole thing is facing my family, my friends, and Shane. This feeling of dirtiness, of insecurity is what's killing me. Insecure that I'm gonna lose someone's love or caring. But you know what --> that's enough already. Enough talking about it. But I'm kinda wondering if I should press charges or not. At least I reported this incident. It wasn't severe as other cases I've read about but no still means no. Rape is unconcented sex.

TBT: 1994 July 11th

TBT= Throw Back Thursday

PREFACE: This is a look into my written diaries from nearly two decades ago. Most of it is straight from my diary. I may have omitted a thing or two, changed a name or two, corrected grammar, added a hyperlink here and there (for context, of course) etc. etc. The general theme of who I was all those years ago are IN TACT.

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Monday
July 11th, 1994

Aroha?! Nothin' much goin' on. Spent the morning talking to Cliff to register for school and all-a-dat. Reema told me that Ui C. told her that NetaJane and them said that Dave is her man. Oh well?! It ain't no thang. At least not to me. :-)  I haven't heard from Shane all day. Ain't that somethin'?! I am just waitin' on his call. I be callin' his work but that phone is BUSY!! I was bonding with Reema this morning while we waited for Cliff to finish his placement test. Me and her are kinda the same. She's just starting at a  younger age. I have absolutely nothing to say. Nothing to write. Shane said he got some things to tell me and that he'll write me and have it to me by the end of the week... which is Sunday. I'm tellin' you I'm gonna miss him. He asked me if I'm gonna visit him at his new duty station. I said "Hell yeah"... He is like all that I need. He was taught so well. I want my kids to learn the things that he learned. He has much knowledge. Much wisdom. He is all of that to tme. Whatever he does in life, I support him. I just wish I could hold onto someone like him. He's so responsible in every way. He's just IT. I wish I could explain to you how I feel about him. I wish I could explain to myself. Every relationship I've had so far... the love and friendship faded. The magic just died. It'll start out REALLY strong and slowly the feelings will DIE. I don't know what's wrong, I just don't want the same thing to happen with Shane. But fo' realz, I don't wanna lose Shane but come November... he's gone! He expounds much wisdom. I know it seems raw but I really like him a lot. You'll never know. It seems childish, the way I feel like I don't wanna let him go but it's REAL. I'll get over him one day. I just gotta prepare for the heartache. I think the things is that I haven't been able to make him MY man. Ya know?! Imagine if I stopped seeing him when Dave asked me to?! I don't even wanna think about how I'd be. It's like we've known each other FOREVER. There was never a beginning to our friendship, and there'll never be an end. That's how tight I feel we are. Oh well, I'm just depressing myself. So maybe I should talk about something other than Shane.

Umm... what is there? I don't know. We went to Blockbuster and we just got back. Me and Cliff was just singin' in the back of the truck. It was funny. Soo Funkdafied. I really don't have anything more to say. I mean, I could go on and on about how Shane makes me feel but really?!*@# I think about him all the time & when we're on the phone, I think about him laying in bed... jus' chillin'... waitin' on me! He's a sweetie and yet he's still honest. I don't know how to explain what I mean. On Saturday, he and I just spent that LAZY day in bed. I wish we could have done things but we didn't cause I had just gotten on my period. He's an intelligetn man who shares the same interests with me. Without even noticing, he has become an important part of my life. I just wish that we'll never stop seeing each other. But I can't possibly believe that someone like him could ever love me or still continue to want to see me. I just think he's a special guy. He is absolutely wonderful. I'm almost afraid to say that I love him, when deep down inside I must feel something strong. Really strong. I just don't wanna get rejected by him. I don't wanna confess a feeling to him and be told that he doesn't feel the same. 

TBT: 1994 July 8th & 9th

TBT= Throw Back Thursday

PREFACE: This is a look into my written diaries from nearly two decades ago. Most of it is straight from my diary. I may have omitted a thing or two, changed a name or two, corrected grammar, added a hyperlink here and there (for context, of course) etc. etc. The general theme of who I was all those years ago are IN TACT.

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July 8th, 1994

Aroha?! So wassup. Nothin' much goin' on. I just got back from the funeral. It was smaller than expected. Cliff accompanied me on the piano while I sang "My Ways Are Not Thy Ways." It was so-so. But anyway, I just got rid of Dave and everyone just got back from playing basketball. I really don't have any deep thoughts. Lately, just SHALLOW things.

So much has changed. So much I need to adjust to. I just got back from a dance. It was alright. Like I did last week, I danced with my cousin all nite. Oh well. Dave wanted to come but fo' reals doe.

Oh it was so fun the other nite, we went to 'THE STEPS'. Made a bonfire and sat around and sang songs. We met two guys from Germany -- ULF and YENZ. Okay?! They was Kool. After lounging around for awhile we went swimming. It was COLD but we handled. Will came later. Me and him bonded. On the way home that nite, I ran into Luann.


July 9th, 1994

It's like 7:30 in the morning and Dave is right here. He is irritating the daylights out of me. He's around me 24-7. I get no privacy or no time away from him. That's all I ask. In fact, I feel like breaking up with him but I don't think he's gonna like it too much. I just wish... oh well, so much for wishing. His car broke down and he's asking me for money to fix it. Supposedly, the water pump broke. He's tryin' ta get my dad to fix it but he is goin' to a meeting. He makes me so mad. So irritating.

I spent the whole day with Shane. We mostly just slept all day. I got my period today. So I showered at Shane's house and all-a-dat. you know what happened... Pac stepped to me. He asked me when he'd get the chance to get the "DRAWS". And was talkin' about the two of us kickin' it after Shane leaves in November. I was surprised but at the same time disgusted. I mean he's bein' a DAWG. He's disrespecting Shane by doin' it and also myself by asking. He was really blunt. And the thing about Shane is that he's mature but still... a child at heart. Ya know?! I feel comfortable with that. And as hard as it is to admit it, I am beginning to care for him more than I should!

Portion of this journal entry

TBT: 1994 July 1 & 2

TBT= Throw Back Thursday

PREFACE: This is a look into my written diaries from nearly two decades ago. Most of it is straight from my diary. I may have omitted a thing or two, changed a name or two, corrected grammar, added a hyperlink here and there (for context, of course) etc. etc. The general theme of who I was all those years ago are IN TACT.

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July 1st, 1994

Well, Dave is back and as he promised he's giving me space .Room to breathe. Or so he says. I really need time away from him and space. Shoot, no one understands me or where I'm coming from.


July 2nd, 1994

Dave tells me I love you all the time and it pretty much irritates me. But anyway...today I went to the Swap Meet with Shane*. He bought me a tshirt. He's done a lot for me. Makes me feel like a woman and all-a-dat. he is such a sweetie and my best friend in the whole wide world. Naw but fo' reals... he's a really good friend. Couple weeks ago he bought my mom roses. And he bought me a brown tiger.

TBT: 1994 June 30

TBT= Throw Back Thursday

PREFACE: This is a look into my written diaries from nearly two decades ago. Most of it is straight from my diary. I may have omitted a thing or two, changed a name or two, corrected grammar, added a hyperlink here and there (for context, of course) etc. etc. The general theme of who I was all those years ago are IN TACT.

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June 30, 1994

I am so miserable. It's like Dave is planning my life fore me. And I don't even have a say in it. He wants to marry me but that's not what I want. I ain't ready for all-a-dat. Marriage, children. I don't want it yet. I feel like I am gonna hurt him really bad if I tell him I wanna be free. He claims unconditional love and devotion. But for reals... if he claims all-a-dat then he can wait. I don't think he's the right man for me. And I don't think he could try to be. We have too much differences. Just too much. Things just aren't working if you ask me. I'm soooooo young, I still wanna see other people and live a little and just be free to see the world and experience life. I am just all depressed. I really don't care who reads this. These are my true feelings. I just wish there was some way to tell him.

Actual picture of this journal entry

The Need to De Stress

I told myself that I would blog at least three times a week this year. I have failed miserably in this area.

Writing is something I love to do. My diary has also suffered from my lack of desire to sit down and right. One of the ways I destress has always been writing. Now, in one of the most difficult times of my life, I have yet to sit down and sort it all out. In my 20's and part of my 30's, I used alcohol and cigarettes to ease my pains. It was definitely a way for me to relax and slow down and get my mind off the world. That is probably one of the biggest reasons why I think of my former life so often.

When my ex-husband and I finally parted ways after being separated for 2 years, my normal routine was to drink as soon as I got off work. And I didn't just have a beer or a cocktail, a meal, and call it a day. NOPE. A dear friend and I would turn the cocktail and meal into a party even if it ended up just being us at the house. We would drink, drown in our sorrows a little then call some guy friends that we had met over the weekend. LUSH. Plain and simple, we were LUSH.

I often think about the rush I got from the alcohol. The feel-good, feel-invincible, feel-unbreakable, feel-alive feeling -- I miss that. Though I could never and will never characterize myself as being depressed, if I ever did feel depressed, I imagine that it would feel like how I've been feeling lately.

I miss my moms, no doubt. But it's not just the missing her that leaves me in a funk. It's also the aftermath of her leaving. The aftermath consists of the following:
1. My father, the lonely widower.
2. My two young brothers - one just turned 18, the other just turned 14.
3. My duties as a diligent and dutiful daughter has left much to be desired by my husband.
4. Having to take over the duties of paying the bills for the household;

I'm kind of burnt out and I have no outlet anymore. I don't feel sorry for myself but I do feel a little STUCK.

I have my own dreams and desires to do big things. Big, for me, at least. There are things that I'd like to do that are just for me. Thus, I think of the alcohol and the backyard barbecues and the sweet release that comes from destressing.

What to do? What to do?

Submitting to the Light

This semester, I am taking PHIL 410. This course is part of my academic plan since I am a Philosophy major. The topic of the course is God and World. The text is really good. It's by Karen Armstrong entitled A History of God: The 4,000-Year Quest of Judaism, Christianity and Islam. This week is mid-terms. What I really enjoy about classes online is that there aren't any "exams". Instead of an examination - midterm or final - most online professors prefer a term paper. This is totally fine with me. I love that I get to write about topics that I actually enjoy. I don't really care for this particular professor. He comes off as a guy that wants to be right all the time rather than someone attempting to nurture the thought process. He is very condescending toward most of the students. It's irritating but totally off subject.

He dropped the term paper topic list today. I love every single topic on his list. How can I choose just one? Here are the topics:

-Jewish Groups at the time of Jesus and the Concept of the Messiah
-Jesus in Historical Context
-Gnostic Gospels
-Deism
-Contemporary Commentary on the Koran from a Feminist Perspective
-Christian Mysticism
-Concept of Sin
-Major Figures (select one from this list: http://www.theology.ie/theologs.htm)

What I love about Philosophy is how much I explore into the mindset of thinkers throughout the history of the modern WESTERN world and the advent of religion and the social structures that either support it or discard it. I have had several epiphanies over the course of my studies. I am nearly done and will graduate with a Bachelors of Arts Degree in Philosophy within the year. I don't really consider this an accomplishment because I have never liked the idea of college. Taking college courses and pursuing this degree was more a matter of accessing the funds that are made available to native Hawaiians through Kamehameha Schools.

I appreciate that many of the subjects I have explored throughout my studies have been topics that were outside of my experience. However, I don't think that a college degree is an indicator of how well a person can think. I say this because I have encountered many people (I work at a private university) who have difficulty utilizing their critical thinking skills. My social interactions with my family, friends, in my community, and even online have been colored with shallow/narrow conceptions of various topics. In an abundant universe with an infinite number of possibilities, I find it increasingly difficult to remain so fixed in my position on the topic of religion and philosophy, any topic. I am but a small speck in the large universe with very little understanding of infinity. I conclude that I couldn't possibly know everything. I cannot make declarations that will be fixed for eternity because, well, in a second that declaration could be overturned by new information.

I submit to the eternal search for light, love, knowledge, and truth. I do not search for these things to gain leverage over another. Rather, I search for these qualities only to understand, to feel compassion, to express kindness for all living entities in the universe. I want to share my light. I want my light to burn brighter.

Can you dig it?

BTW: the topic I selected is Christian Mysticism.

Exhausted

I.AM.EXHAUSTED.

Serious...

I am super tired from the INSANITY workouts. It's one of the best investments I ever made in relation to my health. I am right on track, having completed my 11th workout. Sunday is the only day we take off and it's incorporated into the workout calendar. Last week's weigh-in had me losing 4LBS. I don't know how I'm doing this week. I hopped on the scale this morning and was not pleased. Maybe I'm retaining water???

Don't think I'm neglecting the blog. I'm just SUPER TIRED!!

How 'Bout Us

I started this the other day... a glimpse into my personal diary. I purge! I'm coughing up my ex-husband. As Chele put it... "imagine how clean the air will be when you get to the top of the mountain"... when I'm done talking about him.

Some people are made for each other
Some people can love one another for life
How 'bout us
Some people can hold it together
Last thru all kinda weather
Can't We?
(Performed by Champagne)

Monday 09 April 2001

Dear Pepa,

Aloha?! Well, I feel a little better. I just wrote a five page letter to my husband. Tomorrow makes seven years since we met. He has truly blessed my life. But I have come to realize that true love does not bind one. Set him free. I love him, what can I say? What do I do? In all the world, I can only love him and I will love him for the rest of my life. I promised to do so on January 4th, 1997 and I will love him only. I only wish that he felt the same for me.

My husband amazes me. How much I love him amazes me. God has truly blessed me by sending M into my world. How can we let something as simple as where we live get in the way of this true love.

Separate wayz, separate lives
Thought we'd give breaking up a try
It's clear to me
That I made a big mistake
I tried my best to fall for somebody new
I closed my eyes and there was you
Cause you're a tough act to follow
Memories of you, I just can't let go
(Performed by Starpoint)
I hate thinking of him loving someone else or letting someone else get close to him. Can you believe that? Seven years since we first met. Anyway, I don't like to think of him being with someone else or saying goodbye to me. But if his heart is in New Mexico then how can I ask him to stay with me? Cause no matter, he will never be happy. Where his heart is, therein lies his happiness. And if my love is true then I should only want him to be happy. So follow your heart wherever it will take you.

My baby has seen me through some of the hardest times in my life and I can only love him for that. I love him when he has nothing left to give me. When he's grouchy I love him dearly. When he's happy... that is when I am happiest. No one can love him the way I do. But what if someone can? What if someone else can make him happier? Then, I can only be happy for him and sad for the love I lost. I'm a survivor and I can make it. But the world is easier to travel knowing that someone got my back. Someone knows me inside and out, like a book. That person is M. I miss him already and he hasn't even left me yet.

If he is not happy here, I cannot ask him to stay. Maybe he will be happier in New Mexico. You know what I just thought of? My husband has a lawyer on retainer. If he wanted to divorce me, it would be so quick. I am so sad. I feel like we have a one-in-a-million love affair. I will never love another man this way.

I think about how this love affair started out. Somethin' else. I loved him then. I love him now. We were a good pair from the very beginning. Our endless talks, our secret rendezvous, our private love affair. Everything was so good. Our love is sooo worth preserving. Everything we have is worth every sacrifice even if it means putting our very relationship on the line... I am willing! If it means that we will find it.