Just One Of Them Dayz

This PMS thing just drains the heck out of me. I don't know how we, as women, do this all of our adult lives. It seems to get worse as I approach menopause or maybe I'm menopausing? I don't know. It's just so taxing and draining from the crazy food cravings to the cramps, the headaches, and the damn mood swings. Sorry for whoever has had to deal with me today. I have not been a happy camper.

Monica's 90's R and B anthem, Just One Of Them Days, rings truer now than it did back then for me. The older I get, the worse it seems to get. And then once the "event" arrives all the mood swings are gone and the stupid headaches and food cravings just magically disappear. The cramps will still be there though.

Some days I'm not sorry but today I am. I have been a little mean and grouchy and just plain moody. If I could, I would crawl into a cave for the next week until this "storm" passes. I feel restless but really I need to just chill this weekend and stay in bed all day long, write, watch some good movies, and just kick back.

A certain someone was heavy on my mind this morning. I like to think that I was on his mind also but I don't know if we still have that connection or if he thinks I'm a flake. I don't know but I am good where I'm at and don't need to complicate my life by reaching out. 

Thanksgiving Weekend I hung out with my two "nieces" from back home, Penina and Pu. They are both in college near me and I was so happy to have them. We're in the store getting snacks for our pending movie night and I am grabbing oreos and ice cream and chocolate cupcakes. Of course, it's obvious that the food cravings are taking over and we have a good laugh about it. While we're riding in the car Pu asks me if I heard the song, Time of the Month by Swiss. We find the song on Amazon Music Unlimited and I just about die laughing at the lyrics. The catchy reggae-esque chorus repeats:
It's the time of the month
When my baby goes crazy
Out of her mind
And she's telling me she hates me
I give her a little time
Cause in a few days she'll be fine

I guess it's a universal experience for straight men who deal with us crabby women at that time of the month. I did go ape this morning and I apologized for it. All should be well, right? Nope... I don't feel better and I just want to disappear for a week. Ugghhh... My boss is going to be out of the office until next Wednesday. Can't I just escape to Baltimore or Dallas for the week? Oh well -- it is what it is.

I hope I feel better tomorrow.

The Need to De Stress

I told myself that I would blog at least three times a week this year. I have failed miserably in this area.

Writing is something I love to do. My diary has also suffered from my lack of desire to sit down and right. One of the ways I destress has always been writing. Now, in one of the most difficult times of my life, I have yet to sit down and sort it all out. In my 20's and part of my 30's, I used alcohol and cigarettes to ease my pains. It was definitely a way for me to relax and slow down and get my mind off the world. That is probably one of the biggest reasons why I think of my former life so often.

When my ex-husband and I finally parted ways after being separated for 2 years, my normal routine was to drink as soon as I got off work. And I didn't just have a beer or a cocktail, a meal, and call it a day. NOPE. A dear friend and I would turn the cocktail and meal into a party even if it ended up just being us at the house. We would drink, drown in our sorrows a little then call some guy friends that we had met over the weekend. LUSH. Plain and simple, we were LUSH.

I often think about the rush I got from the alcohol. The feel-good, feel-invincible, feel-unbreakable, feel-alive feeling -- I miss that. Though I could never and will never characterize myself as being depressed, if I ever did feel depressed, I imagine that it would feel like how I've been feeling lately.

I miss my moms, no doubt. But it's not just the missing her that leaves me in a funk. It's also the aftermath of her leaving. The aftermath consists of the following:
1. My father, the lonely widower.
2. My two young brothers - one just turned 18, the other just turned 14.
3. My duties as a diligent and dutiful daughter has left much to be desired by my husband.
4. Having to take over the duties of paying the bills for the household;

I'm kind of burnt out and I have no outlet anymore. I don't feel sorry for myself but I do feel a little STUCK.

I have my own dreams and desires to do big things. Big, for me, at least. There are things that I'd like to do that are just for me. Thus, I think of the alcohol and the backyard barbecues and the sweet release that comes from destressing.

What to do? What to do?