Falling In Love, etc.

VIDEO: Three Relationship Questions

Nature never moves in straight lines but basic human logic does. Nature creates perfect order from chaos. Human logic creates chaos from order. ~Bob Proctor

Falling in Love doesn't make sense. In my life, it never has. The chaos of falling truly, madly, deeply in love with someone always takes my breath away. I don't see all the incongruent parts that could make us fall to pieces. All I ever see is all the things that could make it work. I only see his good parts. I don't look at his past to indicate what type of future he might give me. I live in the moment. To everyone around me, this makes me foolish but I have never cared what outsiders think of my choice in who I love.

When my ex and I parted ways, for over a year all I could talk about was how I did not want to put in any time getting to know someone new. I would rather get together with an ex than try to learn someone else. That mindset has changed. What would it look like for me to go back to an ex? Like I didn't learn from the first failure? There's just too many possibilities in the world to think that going to an ex is the best route for me. I'm not saying that I couldn't or wouldn't go back to an ex. I'm saying that that is not my only option for finding a fulfilling relationship.

Long relationships and marriages go through funky periods of time when nothing seems right, everything seems wrong, and the only thing that makes sense is to leave. I don't know how to leave. I am just not that type of girl. So even if my relationship may fall into a funk, I revert back to that crazy, chaotic moment when I fell in love.... that moment when my heart chose him (whoever 'him' is). That initial magic will always make me melt and thinking of it will always bring me right back to being in love even in the midst of the worst funk. I wish that my former partners had the same resolve but they didn't and I'm not looking back anymore. I have so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to.
_______________
I can't answer any of the questions that I posed on the video and I'm curious as hell to see how people respond.

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FOLLOW ME

Original Poem: I Want

I want you to know me
The real me
The me that no one else sees
And when I reveal the dark
and the light
I want to be sure that it will not frighten you
to know me so intimately

I want you to see me naked
Without the facade that I wear for the world
To see my scars
To see my brokenness
and still want to love me in spite of them

I want you to hear my voice
The silent whisper that no one knows
To hear my song
To hear the melody of my pain
and crave the sound of my joy

I want you to feel the intensity of my emotions
And the fire that burns inside me
Can you feel my longing to love and be loved
To taste my tears
My fears
and still want to hold me closer and erase my pain

I want you to know me like you've known me forever
To dance with my joy
To stay in step with my rhythm
To move endlessly through time
and space
together

I want you to fall in love with my soul
To see beauty inside me
And want forever
to be by my side
That's what I want

Love Is ______

I don't know how many of my reading and viewing audience has tuned into OWN's Love Is ____ TV Show but if you haven't, I suggest you do. It is, by far, the most refreshing love story I have seen in a very long time. The writing and the acting is so delicious. The cast is so well-chosen. The music and the styling of the set and the "costumes" is so 1990's that I feel like I'm back there again.

Some of the elements that really add to the feel of Love Is ____ is the music. For instance, the piano interludes that play every time Nuri and Yasir exchange a real moment just transports me to another time and space. The simple piano melody arouses those feel-good-vibes and takes me into my forever feelings. I recognize those heart strings pulling on me when I come across someone in my real life who ignites those feelings. The way the story is written, the way the director pulls the emotion from the audience, the way the emotion is conveyed by the cast is enchanting and magical.

The love story is so simple but complicated. There aren't any overly dramatic plot twists where you feel like you're on a roller coaster. Instead, you float along recognizing yourself in each character and gaining insight into the other side of the argument. There aren't any clearly defined protagonists or antagonists. The story IS love and it's plain and honest and naked.

The tension of the story is between trusting your heart or following logic. You can see the difference between the magic of love (Nuri + Yasir) and trying to follow logic (Nuri + Keith).

A moment of instant attraction. That is really all it takes. We vibe with someone's energy and then everything that comes after it is because of that initial in-person energy. Yasir's approach is strong. His confidence and his honesty is breath taking. On the other hand, there's Keith who seems to be the guy who has it all. Good looks, fantastic job, consistent. On paper, his resume looks good. Unfortunately, NO ONE can have a relationship with a resume. And when times get tough, looking back at his resume is not going to pull you through. Whereas, Nuri + Yasir have already fostered very strong chemistry from the beginning way back when Nuri was light-skin-long-curly-hair girl.

I have NEVER been one to size up a guy based on his resume. What gets me all the time is that initial first impression. If there are fireworks going off inside me upon first contact, I'm done. #RealTalk! The magic does not happen with every person I meet so when it does happen, I listen and I act on it. I feel like I have never been wrong to follow my instinct even with all the naysayers on the sideline telling me I'm a fool. I love what I love and if it means that people see me as a fool then so be it. A perfect example is my ex-husband and I. The short version -- we knew each other only seven months before we found ourselves in front of a judge in Illinois, getting married. We lasted 13 years and everyone thought we wouldn't even last 13 days. I love to be in love. I enjoy being a good partner/wife/girlfriend. I don't need the attention of every man. I just want one -- one that's just for me!

So in my world give me that unpredictable Nuri + Yasir action. Save the Nuri + Keith business for the arranged marriage people.

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Video Podcast Episode 2 : Sad Songs Say So Much: Grief and Acceptance

My "Sad Songs Say So Much" playlist on YouTube.

You can dig through my blog and find all types of posts about love and heartache. It's amazing how free I am with information about my life. I write to let go of the emotions and to sort through the issues. I share it here because someone might be able to hear something in my thoughts that might help them through it. One thing is certain, I am no relationship expert but I could possibly be a champion of overcoming heartache.

In the days following the announcement that my ex wanted a divorce, I had never felt such agony before or since. I will never forget specific moments where I thought I would just die. Everything was so uncertain. Was he serious about this or was this a temporary situation? What happens next? Do we continue to live together? Is he cheating? There were just endless questions. I felt so lost and alone even being surrounded by family and friends. There are times, even now, where I still feel all alone.

In the ugly of my break up, it was very difficult to start my day. I couldn't even see thirty minutes ahead of me. I didn't eat. I drank a lot to soothe me, to numb me, to avoid dealing with the present. I teetered between sadness and extreme rage. I wanted to break things. I wanted to punch and kick the rage out of me so I went to the gym a lot. That helped me get my appetite back as well as work through my rage issues. My friends wanted to hunt him down and destroy his truck. Some days I entertained the thought and we would ride with bats in the car and sugar for his gas tank. We never did do it. I could never knowingly destroy something like that. And besides, my name was still on his truck.

As you make your way through heartache or loss, DO NOT hold it in. You don't have to be strong. Take some time to be alone and grieve through it. Feel all of the emotion and move into acceptance. This is not an easy process but who you evolve into is entirely up to you.

I have learned so much through this process, more than I did from my first marriage and divorce. I have discovered so many things about myself. I acknowledge my flaws in the demise of my marriage. I own the things that I could have done better and vow to turn those weaknesses into strengths for the next man that shares my world. I have learned patience and to trust that whatever is ahead of me is for me. I feel my star rising, whatever that means... I feel it deeply. I have practiced forgiveness on several occasions in my life and this is one event that has forced me to put it into practice again. And I gladly do so because I do not want the ghosts of the past to haunt my tomorrows. I don't want to be bitter and angry because that is not who I am.

I still prepare to be enchanted by life and love and all the beautiful things in the universe. I know that love will find me again and when it does, it will be full and complete and blissful. This is what I want for you too, Dear Reader, that your heart will heal when you grieve and accept what IS.

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I Hope You Dance

There is a song performed by Leann Womack titled I Hope You Dance. The lyrics are beautiful, poetic, and imparts feel-good vibrations all the way around.... except for one line. It says, "Never settle for the path of least resistance." I think the song is flawed because of that one line. It should have said something like, "Don't give up even though it's hard," "Be persistent."

Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'
Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'
I made the move out to South Carolina because it is and has been the path of least resistance. There have been so many events that are seemingly unrelated yet in my mind they have sequentially pointed me in one direction. That direction is for me to make this move to South Carolina.

Don't let some hellbent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to sellin' out, reconsider
No one ever falls in love thinking that it will end. I have always walked in the direction of love with fierce enthusiasm and the best intentions and ever so optimistic that this time it will be forever. It's not a secret that I have tucked away two romances. I cherish both of them and their presence and season in my life for different reasons. And now I stand in my own truth, my middle-aged self, that I must live for me and only me; that I must dream for me and walk in that dream. I cannot live to be a wife or to be a daughter, a sister, or aunt though I cherish all of those titles and the responsibilities that come with them.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
Today, I walk in my truth and in my happiness - happiness that has alluded me for a very long time. My divorce from my ex-husband has opened me up to all the possibilities of my life. There is so much power in discovering who I am and standing confidently in my authenticity. I no longer worry about what people say or think of the big dreams that I have or even of the seemingly small decisions that I make. Traveling this road alone has been tough. I counted so much on my ex to be my cheerleader and to support my crazy ideas. Most of the time, if my desires did not fit his, he would shoot them down and not support it. So now that I don't have him in my world, I realize that he was not my cheerleader and he is no longer stopping me from doing the thing I want to do the most. I am free to move about as I see fit.

May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed
I am beginning to let the "real me" emerge as I abandon old belief systems in favor of my own crafted version of the meaning of life. My search for happiness is now a path of happiness. I choose to be in a state of happiness no matter what the circumstances of my life are. I am not searching. I am not waiting for happiness to happen. Everything happening around me cannot disrupt the happiness I feel right now and in every single moment. Even when I'm shedding tears of sadness, the tears are just a means to let go of sad emotions and to make room for joy.

I hope you dance.
I hope I dance.
I am choosing to never sit out on experiencing life ever again. I will allow my own sense of morality to guide me and not inhibit me from participating in the great dance of life. There should never be guilt or shame around someone choosing to be exactly who they feel they are inside. Judgement over someone that has a different lifestyle than your own is antiquated and fosters a sense of exclusivity rather than inclusion. And right now, I am all about giving love to anyone I come in contact with. That is the best way I can serve the world by spreading love.

I hope you dance!

Still Say Yes

My wake up call came a little after 5 a.m. this morning. The voice over the phone said, "Babe, get up. I'm getting on the road. I'll call you when I get to my destination."

I lay in bed for a minute or so and look at his picture (the man I just hung up with). I review the last thing he texted me. It was a link to a song on YouTube. The opening lyrics put me in some kind of mood.
Let me take care of you.
I wanna love and treat you right.
Let me take care of you.
Hold you down for the rest of your life.

I replied to his text with my own song. You're Always On My Mind.

I always wonder when exactly "IT" happens. When does a casual friendship or relationship turn into something more? The idea that a man wants to hold me down for the rest of my life... again... frightens me. I have given my heart away twice before and both relationships ended against my wishes and seemingly from out of nowhere. Perhaps I wasn't seeing that the relationship had deteriorated (both relationships). I think that I purposely overlooked the problems because I wanted to work on it and not give up on the relationship(s), not give up on the man. I have never given my heart away with the intent that one day I will have to take it back. Even now, as I navigate this single life, I don't want to give away my heart if I have to take it back in the future. I don't know how to properly vet a man and gauge if he is in it for the long haul. Look at my last relationship. We were together for 13 years before we split. I gave him a good portion of my life. I supported him through all of his transitions and he threw me away like yesterday's trash.

I'm not bitter. In fact, all of these experiences make me who I am. I have experienced a full spectrum of emotions from being so high in love to being heartbroken and everything in between. I suppose I have lived all my adult life trying to be a part of a duo instead of loving my self, solo. I have placed my needs on the back burner in favor of nurturing the relationship. Having split from my ex(es), I now know that I have to take care of my own heart. I have to push through my loneliness. I have to disassociate my worth from being a part of a marriage and love and enjoy the woman I am, alone.

It has been a fun ride so far. I don't hold any malice in my heart for anything that has transpired. I truly think that at the end of my life, I will look back and realize that the number one lesson I have had to learn is forgiveness. I feel like I've learned it. I hope the universe goes easy on me for the next 40 years of my life. No more hard times that I have to learn forgiveness. No more hard times! I am ready for my rising star and to live a life filled with joy and fulfillment. I choose happiness right now, in every moment without worry of tomorrow or yesterday.

And even with a glorious, blossoming love in my life, I would never take away the pain I have experienced at the hands of my exes. I would STILL SAY YES knowing that it would pan out this way.

Someone Waiting Home

I traveled to Las Vegas recently with my best friend. We have both had a rough couple of years with separate life trials. A Girl's Trip seemed an appropriate way to, sort of, decompress. She just went through 18 months of dealing with her young son having cancer. Thankfully, he is in remission. Me, of course, I am dealing with the divorce from my husband of thirteen years. Aside from the wonderful activities we engaged in, from shopping and gambling to attending world-class shows, much of our time was spent talking through our pent up emotions. The really deep discussions always ended up with both of us sobbing our eyes out. And actually the joyous conversations, where we celebrated our small triumphs, also ended in tears - of happiness of course.

At the end of our trip, as we made our way to separate gates, I thought to myself that she's overflowing with love (after a much needed getaway) and she gets to go home to a family that's anticipating her arrival. For a quick second I felt sorry for myself as I had no one waiting at home for me. There was no one to pick me up from the airport. There was no one that was missing me and waiting for me to come home. At the end of my journey was an empty bed and no one to share all the fun experiences I had in Vegas. There are perks to being single and being completely free to operate without permission from another person, however the perks are sometimes unfulfilling. I hope that when I do find someone who loves me the same way that I love, that he will never stifle my desire to be free.

My ex and I was texting the other day and he asked me if I was seeing anyone. I said, "YES." I was surprised at how emotional I became with our conversation. He said he was not seeing anyone and reminded me how he always used to say that if we didn't work out that he would be done with relationships. And we did always say that. I said I would never marry again if we ever split NEVER thinking that we would ever split. I thought he was my forever. I didn't have a Plan B. I don't have a Plan B. I'm figuring it out every single day.

ME: I never wanted to be alone in life. I don't like being alone.
HIM: I just do
ME: To each his own. It's rough trying to get to know someone new. I'm too old for this.
HIM: Yea that's why I don't.
ME: I like being a wife.
HIM: You about to get married?
ME: No. Hell no. I'm just saying I like being a wife.

And there, that last statement explains it all.

I do like being a wife. The clearly defined roles in a relationship from the past are changing or have changed. Most modern women shy away from the domestic duties that come with relationships. I enjoy it. Serving my home is how I show my love. My love is big, It's generous. It's loyal. And I only want to share that with one person. I don't want to spread myself out even though that seems to be the trend of the dating world. In return, however, I want the same big love and loyalty and genuine affection.

As I boarded the plane in Las Vegas with the final destination being Charlotte, North Carolina, the only thing I could think of is the empty home waiting for me. And this season that I'm in, unmarried and childless, I suppose is my time to chase and achieve every single dream I have ever dreamed. There is nothing holding me back except myself. I resolved, on that flight, to not sit in self-pity because my home is empty. I resolved to fill it with all my hopes and all my dreams and with pure, self-love. I vowed to use this time, use the pain of a broken heart to push me into a life bigger than I can currently imagine for myself. My home is full of love because my heart is full of love and though my heart is a little banged up right now, I still BELIEVE in love! And why do I still believe in and search for love even after experiencing so much heart ache? In all the ways a person loves and seeks love, what is the thing that makes the pursuit of it all worthwhile?

Home. I want HIM to feel like home.

Spring Fool : Chasing Forever Edition

April 10th used to be a very special date to me. I suppose it is still special since here I am blogging about it. Ahhh maybe it's just a day for me to remember old love. I met my first love on this day many moons ago. It was all very magical and I was swept up in such a crazy whirlwind of new feelings and emotions. I was just 18 years old - so young and tender and brand new to grown-up love. He was so apprehensive of whatever was developing between us, and I, I was head over heels for him. I don't know what it is that makes people fall in love but there's nothing like it. Physical attraction leads to spending time together and before you know it, you are falling helplessly down a rabbit hole completely unable to stop gravity.

Here I am 24 years later and I have noticed the same pattern when I fall for a guy. The fireworks and the magic of new beginnings make me foolish. I overlook all the things that might be potential "red flags." Well, I don't actually overlook them and it's not that I don't see them, what happens is that I place those red flag behaviors neatly in a compartment in my mind that says, "I can change that." And maybe that's not something I should do anymore or maybe it's part of my charm? I have a thing for building up my man. My closest friends say that I pick "Project Men" - my selection in men need some shiny-ing up to take the roughness off of their edges. I don't mind that. I love that I can be a positive influence with the man I intend to love. A man should be so lucky to have a woman who supports him and pushes him to his greatest heights.

Even if I am attracted to "the project men," the last thing I want to feel is judged for my selection. Nothing anyone says can actually steer me away from my bull-headed stubbornness. I like what I like and nobody has to understand my choice or even agree with it. In fact, everyone thought I was a fool when I married my ex. Everyone was so sure that we were going to fail within the first year and, I can't lie, it was a rough first year. Hell, we had several rough patches. People thought I had made a big mistake and that it was too soon from my last relationship. They said that we didn't really know each other. It didn't matter because all of the comments came after he and I had already run away to Illinois to get married. We lasted thirteen years before he called it quits and I complied. The last thing I wanted was to stay with a man that didn't want me. But here is what I know. Here is the secret. If there is anything I know about myself, it's that I know how to be a good wife but more important, I know how to be a good partner. I know how to build my man up and shiny him up for all the world. I know how to support him and I know how to take charge when I need to. I am the difference. And so what if everyone judges my choices. Nobody has to understand it.

I know that I always talk about love and I'm obsessed with relationships and the dynamics that happen in marriage and now in my single-ness. I don't know if the topic is redundant but I do know that LOVE isn't going anywhere. It will always be a part of the human condition; how we want to cohabitate and nest and ride this road called life with a loving partner. I don't think I will ever lose the desire to share my life with someone. April 10th, every year, reminds me of new love and how much of a spring fool I am. But even though I've been hurt before, I will never lose my enthusiasm for finding someone to share my world with, to chase forever with. Even though it terrifies me to give my heart away again, I still want to believe that someone out there wants to give me the world. Someone out there wants to love me completely. He wants to be my protector, my provider, and wants to be by my side through every joy and every pain. I know he's out there maybe looking for me too and I just have to believe that love will find me again and this time it will be forever. #iStillBelieveInLove 

The Best This World Has To Offer : My Dad

I have been away from the blog for quite sometime. I was down with the flu. I can't remember the last time I was this sick. I pride myself on maintaining my health but this flu had me all the way down. Having endured this attack on my respiratory system has put me in the mindset of getting healthier than I've ever been.  My father is my example of the picture of health. He turned 75 this past October and he's like wine - getting better with time. His skin, his vitality, the sharpness of his mind, no need for medication -- of all the things I could wish for from my father, I hope I inherited his good health genetics. And there is a lot my father can offer but as I age, may I age exactly the way he is aging. This picture of him was taken yesterday. A dear friend took a pic with him and posted it on Facebook. I cut her out of the picture because I don't have her permission to post her picture. I don't have my dad's permission either but I don't think he'll mind.

My father is so talented. He can do anything. When I was little, he fixed all our cars along with his best friend, Unko Bubu. (Random fact: My best friend's nickname is BooBoo also.) He can paint beautiful scenes, oil or acrylic on canvas. He can fix anything. He can grow anything from acres of tapioca to acres of papaya trees, hundreds and thousands of papaya seedlings, hundreds of ti plants, noni plants, areca palms, anything you can think of - he can grow it or nurse it back to health.





He can play music though he will never admit it. He can sing though he will never admit that either but give him the microphone at karaoke and pick a song for him like, "After the Loving" by Engelbert Humperdinck and he will blow. His mind is sharp and full of so much information. He tells the best stories too especially the spooky ones. He can cook. My memories of my childhood are filled with dishes that he made for us that are now my comfort foods. And though I can make them similar to him, they will never be the way he makes them. Never. He can lay cement - watch the video below where I tell the story of how he did the concrete slab for a shot put ring my senior year in high school. #GoBigRed


He can build concrete walls. My little brother crashed into the neighbor's wall and my father fixed it. You can't even tell where the damage was done. He is a well-trained Karate master of the Goju-Ryu practice. He studied Siu Lum Pai Kung Fu under Sung Au. I think his dedication to martial arts makes him so limber today. I never feel afraid when I'm with my father or even if he's miles away because I know that all I need to do is call him and he will come running. On so many occasions, his wisdom and his spiritual and emotional strength has guided me through my darkest days and I've had plenty of them.

When I think of the best thing that this world has to offer, I think of my father. You would think that I would have remained in Hawai'i to make the most of the time that we have left together. I cannot imagine him ever growing old or ever needing me the way I need him. Yet the reality is that we must all pass through the portals of death into a new birth into the universe somewhere. My theory of the path of least resistance places me here in South Carolina right here and right now. Ideally, I flow like water never struggling against myself but moving with the waves and the currents over stony paths and still waters. After announcing my divorce back in September 2016, I told my father and he has been a pillar of strength for me as I navigate my way around this single-woman thing. He is ever worried that I have no one to provide for me. I'm grateful that I have been able to provide for myself but more than that, I have a strong and steady support system that holds me up. I am truly blessed.

I did not intend for this to be a tribute to my father and yet it is a very shallow one because there is no way I could encompass my lifetime with him in this short post. Yesterday he called me and said, "Babe next week there's going to be X-amount in the bank account. I want you to use it for whatever you need for your new home." This past Tuesday, I made an offer on a home and it was accepted. Tentative closing in thirty days then it's mine, all mine.

I don't know how long I will be here in South Carolina but for the time being I'm going to stay put and try going at this thing all by myself. I miss my family and my whole life in Hawai'i, the friends and my Red Raider loyalty, the beautiful ocean, and all the things that are so familiar to me. It's scary as hell but there HE goes, my dad, making sure that I'm not really alone. The idea of silence and solitude in my own house is almost scary and yet I crave it so that I can focus on my writing. I don't need 1,600 square feet. Really, I probably only need about 500 square feet and yet the path of least resistance has given me the 1,600 square feet. I came here with eleven bins, the clothes on my back, a very broken heart, and a mind full of big dreams. And now the eleven bins are about to expand into a full three-bedroom house and more stuff. My heart is still a little banged up (it keeps me humble) and my mind is still full of big dreams but I'm here. I'm trying to place one foot in front of the other and move toward the life I was destined to live.

Hashtag Perfect Man

I still believe in love. That has been my hashtag as of late. Since the split from my husband back in
September 2016, I had to separate myself from the anguish and pain of lost love and remember that I have value even if he doesn't recognize it right now. And yes, I still believe in love even more now than I did when I was married. I have to.

I believe in the fairy tale. It's not like the Cinderella story where some fabulous Prince comes to sweep me off my feet. Although I would love it if one did, really what I see so clearly in my mind's eye is an around-the-way guy. He would be similar to my father. A jack-of-all-trades.

He's a family man that loves hanging out with my family as much as his own. If he has children, he's a good father that is close to his children and fosters a good relationship with his children's mother(s). It shows maturity when there's healthy co-parenting.

Of course he is tall, dark, and handsome. When I say dark, I really mean DARK.
Like Idris Elba DARK.
Like Djimon Hounsou DARK.
Like Mahershala Ali DARK.

My round-the-way-guy will be handy around the house. I can call my brothers and several cousins to come and fix my garbage disposal but if my man can do it, that would be wonderful. I am pretty sure I could figure it out or find a tutorial on YouTube but can't I just assign that to him?

This guy absolutely CANNOT damper my sense of freedom. I love to travel. I love to hang with my friends on girl trips. I am so trustworthy that me cheating should not even cross his mind when I am on one of my excursions. And if he is suspect it is an indication of where his mind is at and what he is capable of and not a reflection on me. One thing I am, without question, is LOYAL.

He will have charisma. When he walks into a room, he fills it with his presence without saying a single, solitary word.

He will have ambition. His dreams are bigger than life and he is in hot pursuit of them. And if his ambitions are not that big then he will step aside and support all of mine. I have enough big dreams to fill a couple of lifetimes.

He is athletic, loves sports, and is an outdoors man. He is high energy and enjoys physical activity. Although, on occasion, I like to lounge around and watch TV (very rare), most times I rather be out and about doing things outside. I love the ocean. I love the mountains. I really do love long walks and they don't have to be on the beach. I love camping, hiking, and skin diving, snorkeling. I love gardening and growing my own food. I would love it if a man could work the soil right next to me or be in the water with me.

I am a girl that is wild about new experiences. But the perfect man doesn't have to be wild about it with me, he just can't inhibit me or prevent me from exploring. He must trust me enough to NEVER damper my curiosity.

I have a B.A. in Philosophy. I studied the driving factors behind HOW people think. What type of lifestyle does one pursue to live the happiest life? God, sex, religion, politics have all types of "isms" to answer that single, solitary question - How do I live my happiest life? With that being said, I crave a really good conversation - one that pushes the boundaries of my mind. And my mind has a very large surface area of possible topics and ideas. I don't have an ABSOLUTE opinion on everything. Meaning, I am open to suggestions on almost every topic.

I don't need him to be a genius. In fact, there is something to be said about a man who is simple in his day-to-day routine. For a complex thinker like myself, sometimes a laid-back man is exactly what I need. In a conversation I had with my father recently, I was telling him how fast my mind goes thinking about opportunities and wanting to move on them, about wanting a partner that can think as quickly as I do. My father, the humble man that he is, simply said, "Do you ever think about how intimidating you are? I don't know many people that can keep up with your mind." I was so shocked that everything that came out of his mouth after that comment is lost on me. I'm not the most brilliant woman in the world so I certainly did not think that I intimidate people with my mind. I say this only to remind myself that I don't need a complex thinker just someone that is willing to chime in. In fact, the simplicity of a man's mind actually gives me a different spin on my complexity.

Here I am dreaming up the "perfect man," I think I covered the physical clear enough but vague enough to keep me open to possibilities. I think my mental requirements are the same - clear enough but vague enough. Here are my emotional requirements. And it's very simple - I just want a man to take care of my heart. A man that adores me and wants to see me succeed. He pushes me and challenges me but at the end of day will smother me with affection and tenderness and an occasional bouquet of flowers with sweet love notes to remind me of all the reasons he loves me. I feel like I have such a tough exterior and I move through each day pretending to be a boss. I want a man that can reign that in without dominating me but definitely being the head of the household.

Maybe he's out there. I'm sure he is. I will not search high and low for him. I will just sit back and let him find me. #iStillBelieveInLove

#iStillBelieveInLove - Valentine's Warm Fuzzy

It's love season. Valentine's is my 2nd favorite day AFTER my birthday. I think I have been so numb for so long that I am rediscovering how to FEEL again. I used to be so moved by romantic gestures when I was young then my heart got broken... twice. I think I've been living in a fog since my first divorce. And now... now I'm ready to feel joy again. #iStillBelieveInLove

When I work on a fiction piece, I try to think of the most over-the-top display of romance and write it into a situation. This proposal right here would qualify as an over-the-top display of romance but this is not fiction and that man is a real man. **insert heart eyes emoji** #iStillBelieveInLove

What makes it over the top for me is not the amount of money he spent. No. His monologue, that speech he gave, is like WOW. I don't know very many men that can articulate their true feelings like that or maybe I just hang around the wrong ones. I love to analyze and dissect everything and get to the meat of things especially when a man claims that he loves me. I need to know the whens and the whys. I need to know if there was something in particular, some small moment when I took his breath away. Not only does this man give this woman that, he tells her what he's going to bring to the table. His devotion. He wants to be the provider. He wants to show her sons how to love a woman.

I wish this were the norm - that a man can see beyond himself and want to be in a woman's life, come what may.
I wish this were the norm - that a man wants to be the provider, the protector.
I wish I weren't surprised by his eloquence.
I wish his ability to express himself was the norm across the masses.
I applaud the woman or man that raised this young man. What a gem.

When my ex-husband and I got married, a month later he was deployed to Iraq with the U.S. Army. I wrote him every single day and sent him care packages every two weeks. But what was so beautiful was the love letters that he sent me. I go back and read those and wish for that love we had back then. It is the stuff that dreams are made of. The romance, his proclamation of undying love for me still makes me swoon even though we're not together anymore. He would always end his letters "Your Husband Forever and a Day." Remember those butterflies? Remember what undying love felt like? If we could have carried that love we had back then all the way into today, that would be so powerful.

Happy Love Day everybody. It's my second most favorite day of the year. Love everyone that is still in your life. You deserve to be happy today and everyday. #iStillBelieveInLove

Valentines Giveaway: Final Challenge

This is the final challenge.

Participate on my Facebook page and on Instagram. Join the conversation and your name gets entered into the drawing for a $100 Amazon Gift Card -- every time you participate!! 

I draw a winner of the $100 Amazon Gift Card on Valentines Day.

Previous Challenges:

Challenge #1: Take a picture of something you love. Use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove and tag me @loveneenalove

Challenge #2: Take a picture of your first love. Use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove and tag me @loveneenalove

Challenge #3: Take a picture of your favorite outfit. Use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove and tag me @LoveNeenaLove

Challenge #4: Take a picture of your friends. Use the hashtag 4everFriends and tag me @loveneenalove

Challenge #5: Share a picture of your favorite love movie. Use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove and tag me @LoveNeenaLove 

Challenge #6: Share a picture of what you love to do ONLY ON SUNDAY's. Use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove and tag me @LoveNeenaLove

Challenge #7: First Celebrity Crush. Use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove and tag me @LoveNeenaLove

Valentines Giveaway: Challenge #7

It's Day #7 of my Valentines Giveaway Challenge.

Participate on my Facebook page and on Instagram. Join the conversation and your name gets entered into a drawing for a $100 Amazon Gift Card -- every time you participate!!

Previous Challenges:

Challenge #1: Take a picture of something you love. Use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove and tag me @loveneenalove

Challenge #2: Take a picture of your first love. Use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove and tag me @loveneenalove

Challenge #3: Take a picture of your favorite outfit. Use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove and tag me @LoveNeenaLove

Challenge #4: Take a picture of your friends. Use the hashtag 4everFriends and tag me @loveneenalove

Challenge #5: Share a picture of your favorite love movie. Use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove and tag me @LoveNeenaLove 

Challenge #6: Share a picture of what you love to do ONLY ON SUNDAY's. Use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove and tag me @LoveNeenaLove

Valentines Giveaway: Challenge #6

I can't believe it's DAY 6 ... Challenge #6 of my Valentines Giveaway.

Participate on my Facebook page and on Instagram. Join the conversation and your name gets entered into a drawing for a $100 Amazon Gift Card -- every time you participate.

Previous Challenges:

Challenge #1: Take a picture of something you love. Use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove and tag me @loveneenalove

Challenge #2: Take a picture of your first love. Use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove and tag me @loveneenalove

Challenge #3: Take a picture of your favorite outfit. Use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove and tag me @LoveNeenaLove

Challenge #4: Take a picture of your friends. Use the hashtag 4everFriends and tag me @loveneenalove

Challenge #5: Share a picture of your favorite love movie. Use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove and tag me @LoveNeenaLove 

Valentines Giveaway: Challenge #5

Wow -- late challenge... but here we go anyway.

Participate on my Facebook page and on Instagram. Join the conversation and your name gets entered into a drawing for a $100 Amazon Gift Card -- every time you participate.

Previous Challenges:

Challenge #1: Take a picture of something you love. Use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove and tag me @loveneenalove

Challenge #2: Take a picture of your first love. Use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove and tag me @loveneenalove

Challenge #3: Take a picture of your favorite outfit. Use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove and tag me @LoveNeenaLove

Challenge #4: Take a picture of your friends. Use the hashtag 4everFriends and tag me @loveneenalove

Valentines Giveaway: Challenge #4

Good Morning World. Here is Challenge #4!! 4 more days of challenges. Valentines Day - I will draw a winner for the $100 Amazon Gift Card.

Participate on my Facebook page and on Instagram. Join the conversation and your name gets entered every time you participate.

Previous Challenges:

Challenge #1: Take a picture of something you love. Use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove and tag me @loveneenalove

Challenge #2: Take a picture of your first love. Use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove and tag me @loveneenalove

Challenge #3: Take a picture of your favorite outfit. Use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove and tag me @LoveNeenaLove

Valentines Giveaway: Challenge #3

Valentines Giveaway - Challenge #3

Participate on my facebook page and get another entry into the drawing for a $100 Amazon Card

Previous challenges:
Challenge #1: Take a picture of something you love. Use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove and tag me @loveneenalove

Challenge #2: Take a picture of your first love. Use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove and tag me @loveneenalove

Valentines Giveaway: Challenge #2

Valentines Giveaway - Challenge #2!!
Everyday leading up to Valentines, I will be posting a challenge. Participation gets your name entered into the drawing for a $100 Amazon Gift Card/Credit.

Valentines Giveaway: Challenge #1

As promised... more details for my Valentines Giveaway!! Here we go!!!




Bonus: Share this post and tag me @loveneenalove

2018 Valentines Giveaway

Stay tuned for details on $100 Amazon Card -- Valentines Giveaway!!