NeenaLove Epiphanies: Moana Movie

I am on a flight headed home to Hawai'i but this journey home is different.

I will be 42 in exactly one month. I have blogged continuously in recent months that this is not exactly what 42 is supposed to look like for me. And I have made crucial decisions in recent days and weeks that will move me in an entirely different direction. If there is any time that I should reinvent myself, now is the time.

Interestingly enough, I am watching Disney's Moana cartoon. When I saw this movie in the theatre, I cried my eyes out. There are so many similarities to my life in this movie. In typical Pacific Island cultures, a single woman remains home until she is married off. Well, I am the survivor of two failed marriages and my father is now worried about my well-being, about me being "taken care of," and his concern for my safety. I get it. I get that a parent wants to keep their child safe and far, far away from unnecessary risk and danger. However, I have been on my own for a very long time and am fully capable of caring for my temporal needs. I appreciate that I have such a concerned father and my brothers are ALWAYS, ALWAYS looking out for me. I feel so "spoiled" by them.

Though I can care for my temporal needs, I often find myself so needy for emotional support. A very special person has consistently stepped up, offering his time and his ears and priceless counsel on my broken heart. My closest friends have also been so pivotal in my healing. Whether it was offering a welcome distraction with a late night trip to the bar, buying me an airplane ticket to get off the rock, sitting next to me and crying like she was getting divorced too, temporarily elevating the mood with a lil something, or just giving positive vibes -- I am so grateful for my dearest friends and family. I should be so lucky, so blessed, to be loved by so many people.

There's a part in the movie where her father forbids her from going beyond the reef. And yet Moana is constantly called by the horizon. Her inner voice beckons her to follow the call to go beyond the reef and yet she must balance that voice with her obedience to her father and cultural traditions. I feel that right now - I love that I have such a good relationship with my father and I know he only wants the best for me but there is something far greater calling me to rise to my highest potential. And it requires me to sacrifice the things that I love right now to move toward my life goals. And I see my biggest dreams as so tangible and so within my reach if I just make these sacrifices right now. If I want something different from my life then I have to take different actions. Now. Now is the time to reinvent myself! Also, at the end of the day I need to carve out a life for myself independent of my life with my father and my brothers.

Another thing that I absolutely adore is Moana's relationship with her grandmother. Her grandmother can see Moana's potential so clear and is the right support system to allow Moana to have enough confidence in herself to pursue her dream. Gramma sings to Moana:
You may hear a voice inside 
And if the voice starts to whisper 
To follow the farthest star 
Moana, that voice inside is who you are
I always want to see everyone I come in contact with as God sees them. And I support everyone's most positive ambitions. As I hear a voice whispering, no, shouting at me to change direction in my life, I am going to listen to it. It is who I am and what I was born to do. I can see my star rising. It is so extraordinarily clear.

It Seems Like It's Falling Apart

One never really knows where life will take us. Some days we have it all figured out and everything is right in the world. Other days, not so much.

I search for inspiration in my daily life longing for creative expression in my writing, in my photography, and in my work. It appears that I feel most creative when I am in the depths of struggle even more than when I am in love. It is as if I am inspired by my pain and yet I have a need to shake the misery of lost love and get back to being joyful... alone. I don't need to be a part of a pair to be happy. Loneliness is a state of mind and I feel increasingly content with walking this life journey alone.

One of our conversations between the ex and I, I remember him telling me that the next man I marry would be very lucky to have me because I am such a good woman. His statement just about sent a dagger right through my heart. If I would be a great catch for another man, why didn't he want me? I will never understand his logic except that it is obvious that this good woman is not good enough for him.

The old paradigm of wanting another man to sweep me off my feet no longer applies to me. I always said that if my 2nd marriage ever met its demise that I would prefer to be alone instead of hitching myself to another. I still feel that way. Marriage does a number on a person's individuality. I will not compromise who I am and what I want from life anymore. One tends to do it to maintain a relationship. We sacrifice parts of ourself to operate as a pair. I have done that for a good portion of my life and it's time to really "do me." ...and I don't really know what "doing me" means yet.

I find myself immersed in love songs. As of late, I have had Lyfe Jennings on repeat. The lyrics of his modern ballad, I Will Always Love You, puts me in some kind of mood. I want to think that I have made a lasting impression on the man that I loved and I keep a small flame burning for the memories we've created together. Thirteen years is a long time to struggle through only to call it quits in the end. My only peace is that I see my star rising so clearly and I am grieved that I will not share that success with him; that my adventures will be solo from now on. We were such a great team but I suppose it was just meant for a season. I pray God's protection for him all the days of his life.

Have my trips to the mainland been about "doing me" or about escaping my reality? I think it has been both. Certainly I have reached out for something I have thought about for a very long time and in doing so I have opened a pandora's box. I don't know where this goes nor do I want to define it or label it. I have no expectation or desired outcome outside of the here and now. I have a strong desire to live in each moment and not think of tomorrow's consequences and it makes me quite the hedonist. I am okay with that. No restrictions. No boundaries except the ones I place on myself. Let any happiness I feel in each moment here be full and complete if only for a time. I am grateful for the space and time I am in right now and that the fabric of my dreams have become a reality.

Though my world seems as if it is falling apart, I know it is moving in a direction best suited to the development of my soul. I honor that and welcome it into my life. I will not look back at what was or put weight on the memories that were created. I can only move forward and I choose that today. Today I choose to flow like water and ride this wave to wherever it is taking me.