Sunday, October 23, 2016

DrownDeep Hula

The message said DrownDeep Hula.

It's amazing what those words evoked. Images from time so long ago.

I forgot all about that song. The distinct bass line. The dreamy sound, as if he is submerged under water. And the lyrics? The lyrics are mysterious and delicious and requires the listener to make an emotional connection to the writer.

His music is so unique.
Lyrics so unique.

I have obsessed over Maxwell since he first landed on the Neo-Soul/R&B scene. And I added seeing him perform to my bucket list over twenty years ago. I am going to check this off my list soon, like within two weeks.

I can only focus on the goodness in my life since the horrible interruption on September 21st. By September 28th we were signing the divorce papers. The pain was intense for those first two weeks. At times it was hard to see even a few hours ahead of me. If someone would ask me what I was going to do for dinner, I just could not plan that far ahead. My heart was just so broken. This Maxwell concert is the right thing to have so that I can focus on something bigger than me and see past today's hurt.

**heavy sigh**

I am going to be okay. That's what I keep telling myself. I tell myself that my soon-to-be ex husband needs to be away from me to unravel his unhappiness and get back to being joyful. It hurts when someone tells you that they just don't love you anymore. I don't know anyone that can just shut off their feelings like that. Heck, my first husband said those same words to me when he divorced me. I can't say how that happens. I often think about what would have happened if I had let the first husband back into my world before I eloped with the second husband. Nobody knows.

What I do know is that when I love someone in that romantic way, I love hard. I love unconditionally. I give my everything. And I have loved only two men in this way and they both were my husbands. My friends tell me I'm lucky to have loved like that at all. Some people go through life never experiencing love like this. Do I thank my lucky stars? Sure. But break-ups are so hard. They are so taxing on me and yet I feel so alive.

The last year has been so rough within my failed marriage. Both he and I were ready for a change. I had two job offers over the summer. One I turned down because my husband said I should stay where I'm at even though I was unhappy there. My respect for him as the head of the household convinced me that I should listen. Now we've split and I hold a degree of resentment toward him for that. I guess we should always listen to our inner voice. He went through some rough patches also with his job that eventually led to him quitting even without having another job waiting. I supported him in that. I told him that no one should be that unhappy at a place that they have to spend eight hours a day at. So I told him to QUIT! And he did. He quit, he went home to see his little sister graduate from college, and life was still good.

**heavy sigh**

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Revisiting My Journal from 2003

I did a dumb thing this morning.

I pulled out my journal from 2002-2003. I cried and cried as I read through the pages.

Back in 2003, my ex-ex husband Dallas (not his real name) asked for a divorce. Just five days later I met my current soon-to-be ex husband, Reggie (not his real name). As I read my journal, I noticed the emotion on the paper and how it was so raw and untethered. Reading those pages, I re-experienced falling so madly in love. Reggie brought me back to life after being broken down and now, ironically, he is the source of my heartache. Oh how I wish we could have stayed in that bubble of falling in love. It was full of magic and bliss.

How was I able to fall in love with Reggie while mourning the loss of my marriage to Dallas?

I suppose my love affair with Reggie happened so quickly because I was starving for affection. I had spent nine years of my life trying to make shit work with Dallas. I was so loyal. So down for him. When he asked for the divorce, I had no choice but to take care of my heart and let someone else in. The evening we signed the divorce document was the last time I seen and spoke to Dallas. It was such a heartbreaking moment that I will never forget. But it gave me my freedom. I was no longer tied down to Dallas. I could do whatever I wanted without recourse.

Excerpt from my journal, dated Saturday June 7, 2003:
The craziest thing happened yesterday. Dallas called me at about 7am. I was laying in Reggie's bed and my phone rings. I look over and see the familiar number. I was flabbergasted. On Thursday I was telling BooBoo how much I missed Dallas and I how I wished I could have it all back. Then Friday rolls around and he calls. We talked for about an hour and some change. Me and him just crying like babies. Me layed up in another mans bed telling my ex-husband how much I love him. I was telling him that I have so much love to give and he was not trying to be on the receiving end. He kept telling me sorry and that he never wanted to hurt me. **heavy sigh** He said he has so much problems going on with him. So many things he hasn't really let go of. Just when I think everything is done, and I have fully let go of him, he pops back into my life and blows my mind away. I STILL love him so much like I've never loved any man. And I want it all back. At the same time - after all the hurt - how can I take him back?

You know I love me some Reggie but not the way I love Dallas. I don't think anyone can fill those shoes but at the same time there was so much hurt. And I told him I could overlook it all if he could start from today and do me right. **heavy sigh** I don't know how I should be feeling. Why is he doing this to me? Is he trying to put closure on this or is he trying to get back in my world? I don't know.  I just don't know what the heck is going on. I mean, just when I think it's done and over with he pops back in. And for what????

Dallas calls me at work and we go into greater detail about our relationship. He proceeds to tell me EVERYTHING I needed to hear when we were married. Like how I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. And how I am such a good wife and that most women wouldn't stick by through half of the mess we been through. I cried and cried and cried. He cried. We talked for hours. He told me he didn't wanna die alone or grow old alone. How is it possible for me to love a man that has nothing left to give? Why do I feel it necessary to love men that need healing? I'll never understand. I love me some Dallas. I wanted to spend the rest of eternity with him.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Not So Intertwined

I am feeling more and more like myself.

When I'm with people, I tend to go into auto-pilot mode and my sparkling personality shines through.

But when I am alone, I hear love songs, and shed tears. Today's trigger song was Keshia Cole's, I Remember.

I wish I could shake the blues every time it creeps up on me but I need to feel these emotions, mourn it, and move on. My 45-minute commute to work this morning found me pouring tears. I feel so helpless to these emotions and I desperately want all of this to be over.

Judging on my relationship with my ex-ex husband and the length of time it took to shake him from my emotional landscape, I am going to be in this for some time. And I vow to do things differently this time. When my ex-ex husband and I divorced, I jumped so quickly into another relationship and now that relationship has come to an end after 13 years. My heart is always so willing and so open to love and romance. This time has to be different though.

I have sworn off marriage. There is just no way that I can enter another committed relationship like that. And this could be me talking right now but I just cannot feel the highs of falling in love and the depths of a break-up again. Maybe it's better that I stay steady, alone. It's not that I am cynical; far from that. I still believe in love but I just cannot put my heart on the line again. I don't have it in me to do it all over again. I am 41 years old and I'd rather not try to learn to be with someone new. I can't. I don't want to.

I always toot my own horn about my ability to be a good wife and a good woman. Yet and still, I have two failed marriages under my belt. I cannot explain the whens and whys. Of course, it always crosses my mind that either my selection in men is horrible or that I'm not as good a woman as I think I am. I can't call it.

Last night I went to a local watering hole called The Shack. Seated next to me was an older, Caucasian gentlemen. He was paying the tab and we chatted all evening long. He spoke so fondly of his deceased wife and how they had celebrated their 40th anniversary before she passed. I told him that they don't make men like that anymore. Based on my two failed marriages, both men walked out on the relationship. Divorce was not my choice in either case. When I take the vow of marriage, it means that I will never give up even when shit gets hard. Even when things are monotonous and it feels as if all we're doing is going through the motion. I believe that we can work to make the relationship brand new, given time. I only wish that my type of love were mirrored.

I can say that I have two great loves in my life. They both ended in a quick and concise divorce. Days after announcing they wanted a divorce, I was signing uncontested papers. My heart hurts double and yet I remember these two great loves. Maybe I'm lucky to have fallen in love twice. Maybe not. I can only think about myself now and not be so intertwined in the habit of being in love.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Misty-Eyed Love

I found a video today of my soon to be ex-husband telling me he loves me.

It made me instantly tear up because I remember when he looked at me with such affection. He is definitely  not that same man and I miss that man.The man I am getting right now, through this divorce, is definitely not the one that married me.

Nobody really teaches you how to love or even how to end love. Though he and I are cordial, I don't want to be his friend. I want to be his life mate, his partner, his travel companion, like how we have been for the last thirteen years. I am the definition of ride-or-die chick. Even now, I am still down for him. The adventures we have had together is enough to fill a lifetime. I can only imagine all the things we could do in the future and how powerful we could be together.

A friend of mine called me late one night to ask me how I was doing. She was watching my posts on Facebook and wondered what was going on with me. When I told her that we had already completed divorce proceedings, she was floored. She told me that he and I were the couple that she wanted to emulate in her relationship. The way he and I worked together to get the things we wanted always amazed her. She admired us, wanted to be like us, and was so sad that we were calling it quits. She is not the first person to mention this to me. And I get it.

The thing is, he and I have had such a great relationship. Up until six months ago, we really were a power couple that loved each other. I can count several things that led to our demise but can't pin point exactly which one sealed our fate. I can only wish good things for him and that one day he will look back on our relationship with fond appreciation. I am misty-eyed now when I think of all of our happy times. I will miss him all the days of my life.

Monday, October 17, 2016

Unravel the Emotions

The only empty seat was next to me.

A young gentleman sat down. In his hand he held a pen and a note-card size booklet. He was writing.

I was so intrigued that this young man was writing to pass the time.
He was not playing on a smartphone nor was his ears covered with BEATS.

Not texting. Not typing.


I asked him if he writes all the time.

He said that writing is the only thing that gets him through his day. I can so relate. We had a short conversation about writing and about journals we have kept over the years. It was nice to run into a kindred soul and to connect on the love of writing.

I cannot quite pinpoint when I started my love affair with writing. It's like it was always a part of me. I learned to read when I was three and writing came soon after that. I feel so very deeply in my soul that I was made to tell stories, to tell my story, and to create art from all the pain and sadness I have experienced. I have a deep longing to feel joy again and yet, so much creative energy has arisen from the extreme grief I am experiencing.

When I journal, I bare my soul. Here, on this blog, I keep some bits of information private. But it is in the writing and the thinking through the events happening in my life that I am able to let go of some of the emotion that is pent up.
It is on the pages of my journal that I unravel the emotions that would seek to destroy me.

I look through my blog and in my journals for hints as to how I find myself at the end of a second marriage. I can't call it. What I do know is that both relationships ended with the man walking away. Both of their monologues exactly the same.
"I haven't been happy for a while."
"I don't want to be married."
"It's not you. It's me."
"You're a good woman. A really good wife."
"The spark is gone."
I don't know what to do with this information but the fact that I have my writing to look back on it and compare what happened in both relationships is priceless.

What I know is also strewn across the pages of my journals is how much love I have to give. How utterly insane I am about feeling the butterflies when I'm in love. I read my old writings and the loyalty and devotion I give freely to my husband frightens me. I have come to realize that I lose myself a little too much when I'm in a relationship and I compromise too much of who I am to please my partner. That stops now. Every tomorrow will be about making ME a priority. I promise that to myself.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Runaway Weekend 2016

Life is full of twists and turns. When you think you have it figured it out, it throws several curve balls all at once.

Relationships are complex.
It seems to be the theme of my life. Yet I know one thing. I was created to give my precious LOVE to one man with passion and LOYALTY and genuine affection. I still only want to give my soul to one man. He, on the other hand, has other plans for his life that don't include me. And I must move on and let go and I have made peace with that. I don't want to be sad anymore. I will move through this grief in the way that I know how.

Though I appreciate all the offers for dinner or lunch and cry sessions, truthfully, I am the only one that can walk through this storm. I am the only one that can feel this pain and release it from my life.

This past weekend, I ran away from it all. I needed to be away from anyone and everything familiar to me to figure out exactly what I want from my life. In a sense, I do see my path so clearly. My star is rising so brightly and the whole experience of the past couple of weeks is prodding me ever so abruptly into the light; onto the path that I was born to walk.

I find beauty in simple things especially in nature. This runaway weekend was definitely needed to remember my center, to connect with "the stuff" that I have gone without for so long. I was seeking to inhale love and forgiveness and exhale pain and resentment. I am grateful for my guide, gently holding my hand through several beautiful visions of God's world. Through space and time and the fabric of dreams, this runaway weekend was destined.

And I think to myself, WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD.