I am stressed to THE MAX. I just tweeted that into the universe. I am completely overwhelmed by my life. I want to detach from EVERYTHING that is consuming my time. I can't hear my own inner voice while tending to everyone's needs and it buggs the mess out of me. Normally, my life would revolve around ME and HUSBAND. Now I seemed to have taken over the duties that my mother left... and it's just not me.
I am not my mother!
My last post was about "Farren". My mother would have loved to support her through this ordeal while I'm COMPLETELY and UTTERLY uninterested in taking on more drama for this house to handle. I am through the roof with this whole living situation. I am so not my mother in this respect. The obvious choice is for me to leave and I plan to do just that. I don't know where I'm going but I do want to be far away from here.... far away from this life.... far away from caring for everyone but me.... far away from judgement by my peers... far away from busy-work... far away from the different things that suffocate me.
Sometimes I wish I could disappear into the atmosphere and fade into the waters of the ocean and pretend like my life never happened. Let me return to the source from which I came so that I may be AT ONE again with the Creator.
Sometimes life is just so hard!
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Sunday, July 08, 2012
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
The Need to De Stress
I told myself that I would blog at least three times a week this year. I have failed miserably in this area.
Writing is something I love to do. My diary has also suffered from my lack of desire to sit down and right. One of the ways I destress has always been writing. Now, in one of the most difficult times of my life, I have yet to sit down and sort it all out. In my 20's and part of my 30's, I used alcohol and cigarettes to ease my pains. It was definitely a way for me to relax and slow down and get my mind off the world. That is probably one of the biggest reasons why I think of my former life so often.
When my ex-husband and I finally parted ways after being separated for 2 years, my normal routine was to drink as soon as I got off work. And I didn't just have a beer or a cocktail, a meal, and call it a day. NOPE. A dear friend and I would turn the cocktail and meal into a party even if it ended up just being us at the house. We would drink, drown in our sorrows a little then call some guy friends that we had met over the weekend. LUSH. Plain and simple, we were LUSH.
I often think about the rush I got from the alcohol. The feel-good, feel-invincible, feel-unbreakable, feel-alive feeling -- I miss that. Though I could never and will never characterize myself as being depressed, if I ever did feel depressed, I imagine that it would feel like how I've been feeling lately.
I miss my moms, no doubt. But it's not just the missing her that leaves me in a funk. It's also the aftermath of her leaving. The aftermath consists of the following:
1. My father, the lonely widower.
2. My two young brothers - one just turned 18, the other just turned 14.
3. My duties as a diligent and dutiful daughter has left much to be desired by my husband.
4. Having to take over the duties of paying the bills for the household;
I'm kind of burnt out and I have no outlet anymore. I don't feel sorry for myself but I do feel a little STUCK.
I have my own dreams and desires to do big things. Big, for me, at least. There are things that I'd like to do that are just for me. Thus, I think of the alcohol and the backyard barbecues and the sweet release that comes from destressing.
What to do? What to do?
Writing is something I love to do. My diary has also suffered from my lack of desire to sit down and right. One of the ways I destress has always been writing. Now, in one of the most difficult times of my life, I have yet to sit down and sort it all out. In my 20's and part of my 30's, I used alcohol and cigarettes to ease my pains. It was definitely a way for me to relax and slow down and get my mind off the world. That is probably one of the biggest reasons why I think of my former life so often.
When my ex-husband and I finally parted ways after being separated for 2 years, my normal routine was to drink as soon as I got off work. And I didn't just have a beer or a cocktail, a meal, and call it a day. NOPE. A dear friend and I would turn the cocktail and meal into a party even if it ended up just being us at the house. We would drink, drown in our sorrows a little then call some guy friends that we had met over the weekend. LUSH. Plain and simple, we were LUSH.
I often think about the rush I got from the alcohol. The feel-good, feel-invincible, feel-unbreakable, feel-alive feeling -- I miss that. Though I could never and will never characterize myself as being depressed, if I ever did feel depressed, I imagine that it would feel like how I've been feeling lately.
I miss my moms, no doubt. But it's not just the missing her that leaves me in a funk. It's also the aftermath of her leaving. The aftermath consists of the following:
1. My father, the lonely widower.
2. My two young brothers - one just turned 18, the other just turned 14.
3. My duties as a diligent and dutiful daughter has left much to be desired by my husband.
4. Having to take over the duties of paying the bills for the household;
I'm kind of burnt out and I have no outlet anymore. I don't feel sorry for myself but I do feel a little STUCK.
I have my own dreams and desires to do big things. Big, for me, at least. There are things that I'd like to do that are just for me. Thus, I think of the alcohol and the backyard barbecues and the sweet release that comes from destressing.
What to do? What to do?
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Part Deux : Gotta Be My Own Boss
The end result of Gotta Be My Own Boss.
Hi Coreen,
I am so sorry that our Friday meeting has caused you so much unhappiness. I had thought that we had cleared the air and were starting anew, with a better understanding of each other. Thank you for sharing your impressions, I didn't realize that the only messages that came through very strongly were my frustration and stress. Unfortunately in a situation like that, the negatives far outway the positives. I hope that as your hurt subsides that you will also remember the positives.
First, please remember my apologizing to you for being placed in a situation during the busiest time of a very busy year, when I didn't have time to establish a relationship with you or help you through the beginning stages of your training. And how unfair that was to you.
Second, please remember that I told you how pleased I was with the way you spoke with the customers on the phone, and how good you were in your relations with the other employees.
Third, please remember me talking about the confidence I had in your intelligence, ability and potential and how much I was looking forward to what your future with the company would be.
Anyway, I would like to clear up a few misunderstandings that have become apparant from your letter. As far as your duties here, I thought that had been clearly explained in the course of the two interviews. I had the feeling earlier in the week that there might be some fuzziness in your understanding of your role in the company, so I had spoken with Don and Dianna and had asked them if they felt we had covered that well in the second interview. They thought we had all been very clear on that point, so I didn't pursue it with you at that time. So as you can see, I have been thinking all along that you had a much clearer picture than you obviously did, which is why I misinterpreted your hesitation to become more involved in your dealings with me. Again, I apologize for not acting on my first instinct, and speaking with you earlier. My desire was for you to get comfortable with the company and find your legs before I started adding to your plate.
As far as the money goes, I was trying to give you a compliment in that I felt you were worth paying the employment agency upcharge. There were some other candidates that we were considering that were not attached to an agency, but I had such strong positive feelings about you that it was worth the extra charges. I was not meaning to tie that to your performance. I have had only two issues that were not positive, your messages, which we have resolved, and my misinterpretation of you interest in working directly with me, which I also thought we had resolved.
Lastly, as always seems to be the case, your lack of " Good Mornings" to me, hurt me as well. It fed the feeling I had that you wanted to keep a distance.
It looks overall that we should have both spoken with each other sooner about our situation, but the lion's share of that falls with me. I'm truly sorry I didn't communicate in a much better way with you. It has been an extremely difficult 4 or 5 weeks, and I've been trying very hard to hold on and get what needs to be done, done, without turning into a crazy person. I'm sorry you were a part of that period.
If it means anything, I would very much like for you to continue to try for a while longer and see if it's not a good place for you. I truly believe you and the company are a good match, and I also believe that you and I have a much better understanding of each other and can build a good working relationship. I can't promise the stress will not get to me from time to time, as I can't promise it won't get to you, but I can promise I will definitely start including you in what's going on. I hope you will change your mind, but if you don't, I hope you will forgive me for the unhappiness I've given you in such a short period of time
All the Best,
Owner
Hi Coreen,
I am so sorry that our Friday meeting has caused you so much unhappiness. I had thought that we had cleared the air and were starting anew, with a better understanding of each other. Thank you for sharing your impressions, I didn't realize that the only messages that came through very strongly were my frustration and stress. Unfortunately in a situation like that, the negatives far outway the positives. I hope that as your hurt subsides that you will also remember the positives.
First, please remember my apologizing to you for being placed in a situation during the busiest time of a very busy year, when I didn't have time to establish a relationship with you or help you through the beginning stages of your training. And how unfair that was to you.
Second, please remember that I told you how pleased I was with the way you spoke with the customers on the phone, and how good you were in your relations with the other employees.
Third, please remember me talking about the confidence I had in your intelligence, ability and potential and how much I was looking forward to what your future with the company would be.
Anyway, I would like to clear up a few misunderstandings that have become apparant from your letter. As far as your duties here, I thought that had been clearly explained in the course of the two interviews. I had the feeling earlier in the week that there might be some fuzziness in your understanding of your role in the company, so I had spoken with Don and Dianna and had asked them if they felt we had covered that well in the second interview. They thought we had all been very clear on that point, so I didn't pursue it with you at that time. So as you can see, I have been thinking all along that you had a much clearer picture than you obviously did, which is why I misinterpreted your hesitation to become more involved in your dealings with me. Again, I apologize for not acting on my first instinct, and speaking with you earlier. My desire was for you to get comfortable with the company and find your legs before I started adding to your plate.
As far as the money goes, I was trying to give you a compliment in that I felt you were worth paying the employment agency upcharge. There were some other candidates that we were considering that were not attached to an agency, but I had such strong positive feelings about you that it was worth the extra charges. I was not meaning to tie that to your performance. I have had only two issues that were not positive, your messages, which we have resolved, and my misinterpretation of you interest in working directly with me, which I also thought we had resolved.
Lastly, as always seems to be the case, your lack of " Good Mornings" to me, hurt me as well. It fed the feeling I had that you wanted to keep a distance.
It looks overall that we should have both spoken with each other sooner about our situation, but the lion's share of that falls with me. I'm truly sorry I didn't communicate in a much better way with you. It has been an extremely difficult 4 or 5 weeks, and I've been trying very hard to hold on and get what needs to be done, done, without turning into a crazy person. I'm sorry you were a part of that period.
If it means anything, I would very much like for you to continue to try for a while longer and see if it's not a good place for you. I truly believe you and the company are a good match, and I also believe that you and I have a much better understanding of each other and can build a good working relationship. I can't promise the stress will not get to me from time to time, as I can't promise it won't get to you, but I can promise I will definitely start including you in what's going on. I hope you will change your mind, but if you don't, I hope you will forgive me for the unhappiness I've given you in such a short period of time
All the Best,
Owner
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Gotta Be My Own Boss
A couple of weeks ago, I was talkin' about goin' back to work. Well, I did. It was either work or go to school... and consequently, I am awaiting the status of my application for school... so I did go back to work. I went through a temp agency. The woman they placed me with owns her own business. Well, Friday the 14th made just ONE WEEK at that place and I left and I'm not turning back. Here is the copy of the letter I emailed the owner of the business. Names have been changed.... and all that junk... to protect me from ANY liability... LOL. You'll get the background on it by reading the letter. I'll post the woman's response later.
Aloha "Boss",
I've been thinking about writing this letter since Friday. An entire day has passed and the feeling is still here. I feel inclined to express myself to you, as you've already had the opportunity of expressing yourself to me. It is my desire to rectify things and make everything PONO**. To release myself from any negativity that intrinsically connects myself to you.
The meeting we had on Friday morning between you, DeeDee and myself was very enlightening. Friday was my sixth day of work at your establishment. It was not emphasized that I was to serve as your "right-hand-man" or that I was to keep you off the phone. Much of my duties were left to my own interpretation. Though I am very good at anticipating the needs of most people, I found it very hard to read what, exactly, your needs were. I would have really appreciated if you reviewed with me HOW you want things done. I couldn't INHERENTLY know what those things are.
I understand that my inability to be any of your previous assistants is frustrating. You truly UNLOADED all of those frustrations on me. I could not have possibly known how much pressure you're under to perform. My desire to not disturb you was misjudged as an unwillingness to be of help. My "cryptic" phone messages, as you so eloquently called them, were ineffective and NOT helping you. I would not have known that you "pay me more than you would normally pay someone in my position". Perhaps I wasn't living up to the monetary value you agreed to pay me.
Anyway, the end result of all my shortcomings was the "big blow up" which is our meeting on Friday morning. It seemed I was the ONLY candidate to be on the receiving end of all your negative energy. You felt strongly to share with me how much pressure you're under. How would I have known? You shared with me that you're normally a good person. How could I have known? From day one, the nicest thing you said to me was "good morning" AFTER greeting the parrot. You shared with me that you did a whole bunch of things that I should have been doing. Again, how could I have known? NO ONE SAID ANYTHING.
As I sat in that meeting when you were sharing these thoughts and a host of others, the only thing I could think of was how did I make these things happen? Perhaps, my ineffectiveness on Friday morning was the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back". I am the newest employee, with the least amount of experience and knowledge about your leadership style or about the business, yet I am the one that gets dumped on. True character is revealed in our hardest times.
I maintained my composure the entire day and resolved to be a better assistant to you. But as soon as I rounded the corner of that building, I cried in a way that I couldn't cry in our meeting. As I explained my tears to my husband, who picked me up from work, I realized two things.
One - there is no chemistry between us. You already resent me for failing to read your needs. And two - I don't want to waste anyone's time, yours and least of all mine. Since I am, technically, an employee of the temp agency, I have notified them that I will NOT be returning to your company.
I appreciate the opportunity you've given me and I wish you much success and happiness. The entire purpose of life is to be happy. May you be blessed.
**PONO : Hawaiian for righteousness or the act of returning things to a positive flow.
Aloha "Boss",
I've been thinking about writing this letter since Friday. An entire day has passed and the feeling is still here. I feel inclined to express myself to you, as you've already had the opportunity of expressing yourself to me. It is my desire to rectify things and make everything PONO**. To release myself from any negativity that intrinsically connects myself to you.
The meeting we had on Friday morning between you, DeeDee and myself was very enlightening. Friday was my sixth day of work at your establishment. It was not emphasized that I was to serve as your "right-hand-man" or that I was to keep you off the phone. Much of my duties were left to my own interpretation. Though I am very good at anticipating the needs of most people, I found it very hard to read what, exactly, your needs were. I would have really appreciated if you reviewed with me HOW you want things done. I couldn't INHERENTLY know what those things are.
I understand that my inability to be any of your previous assistants is frustrating. You truly UNLOADED all of those frustrations on me. I could not have possibly known how much pressure you're under to perform. My desire to not disturb you was misjudged as an unwillingness to be of help. My "cryptic" phone messages, as you so eloquently called them, were ineffective and NOT helping you. I would not have known that you "pay me more than you would normally pay someone in my position". Perhaps I wasn't living up to the monetary value you agreed to pay me.
Anyway, the end result of all my shortcomings was the "big blow up" which is our meeting on Friday morning. It seemed I was the ONLY candidate to be on the receiving end of all your negative energy. You felt strongly to share with me how much pressure you're under. How would I have known? You shared with me that you're normally a good person. How could I have known? From day one, the nicest thing you said to me was "good morning" AFTER greeting the parrot. You shared with me that you did a whole bunch of things that I should have been doing. Again, how could I have known? NO ONE SAID ANYTHING.
As I sat in that meeting when you were sharing these thoughts and a host of others, the only thing I could think of was how did I make these things happen? Perhaps, my ineffectiveness on Friday morning was the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back". I am the newest employee, with the least amount of experience and knowledge about your leadership style or about the business, yet I am the one that gets dumped on. True character is revealed in our hardest times.
I maintained my composure the entire day and resolved to be a better assistant to you. But as soon as I rounded the corner of that building, I cried in a way that I couldn't cry in our meeting. As I explained my tears to my husband, who picked me up from work, I realized two things.
One - there is no chemistry between us. You already resent me for failing to read your needs. And two - I don't want to waste anyone's time, yours and least of all mine. Since I am, technically, an employee of the temp agency, I have notified them that I will NOT be returning to your company.
I appreciate the opportunity you've given me and I wish you much success and happiness. The entire purpose of life is to be happy. May you be blessed.
**PONO : Hawaiian for righteousness or the act of returning things to a positive flow.
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