What Were You Born To Do?

My life was aimless until I realized what I was born to do. I was born to write and to put into words the thoughts in my mind, my observations about love and life, and the discoveries that I have made along the way. I will always believe that LOVE conquers all. Why it took me 42 years to discover that I was born to write is a reflection on the environment I thrived in. I cannot blame my parents but I am a product of their upbringing. Let me be clear - I am grateful for how my parents raised me. Parents do the best they can with the tools they have. However, reflecting back on all the twists and turns in my life, I have realized that what they were pushing me towards never quite fit my personality and yet there is no regret in how my life has panned out.

I have lived 42 years (43 in August) doing what I thought my parents wanted me to do...
     -Education (Bachelor of Arts in Philosophy)
     -Stable job (I have worked full-time since I graduated from High School)
This seems to be the hope of every parent - that their children be productive members of society. And this is a worthy goal. If I were a parent, I would add two more components to what parents hope for their children. First, that they find what it is that makes them come alive and second, that they are happy. So often, we live to fulfill the hopes and dreams of our parents and then after achieving whatever it is they wanted, we are left unfulfilled. We get so busy doing the business of living, never sitting back to contemplate what it is that brings us to life. We hardly take the time to ponder our individual purpose for being on this planet at this time. We have all been given special gifts that are unique to us. My gift is writing. Not just writing but writing from the most genuine and authentic part of my soul.

I am middle-aged. *insert shock emoji* Yes. I just admitted it. I accept my timeline. And if I could go back in time; if I could reimagine my life, I would have pursued this 'writing thing' a long time ago. But it's never too late to do the thing that I want most to do.

I spoke to my 17-year old niece other day. I was probing her about her college choices since she will beginning her senior year in high school this Fall. She had two picked out in Hawai'i and one in New York City. If I remember correctly, the New York school is a performing arts college. I told her to chase the dream. Don't work on your Plan B by taking up something practical that you think might be easier to "find a job" after college. No. Chase the Dream! She is concerned with paying for school, which is why she selected the two Hawai'i colleges. This isn't the first time that I have told her to pursue the dream. I try to drill it into my nieces and nephews minds so that they find the thing that makes them the most happiest to do.

Not only would I have pursued writing at a younger age, I would have also taken up something in the arts. On my father's side, he and his siblings are all very creative people. They paint (both acrylic and oil) and are crafty. We all have "artsy eyes." My graphic design and my floral design has a definite source that comes from my father's side of the family. I have several cousins that are also artsy.

So what is the point of this post? What I hope you leave with is a sense of examining your life. Some of us will always be content with the 9 to 5 job and some of us will always be seeking for more control of your time to do the thing we love most. So what is it that you love most? And then if you do know what you love most, what are you going to do about it?

Day 15: My Dreams

I am an avid reader of all things that push my very human mind beyond its current boundaries. We are all victims of our circumstances. We're raised by people who have never parented before -- our parents -- and they are limited by the way their parents raised them and on and on and on. What was absent from my childhood is my parents insistence on dreaming big. I don't blame them for my current position in life because I know they are limited in their scope of the universe. My reading material tends to lean toward things like The Secret, The Richest Man in Babylon, The Power of Intention, and that sort of books. In the bookstore's these types of books are sorted under the self-help category. The world of POSSIBILITY inspires me and pushes me to dream without inhibition.

However.... My dreams...

• I am afraid to speak of them for fear of never seeing them come to pass.
• I am afraid to tell people for fear that people will find my dreams ABSURD.
• Afraid of the process
• Afraid to succeed?

Realizing how "afraid" I am reminds me of the following passage from the Holy Bible: For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

What I dream of most, strictly confining myself to my earthly existence, is....

• a house -- with at least an acre of land to farm; I would like a water feature on the property -- could be a pool and spa or a koi pond or a natural waterfall... I love the sound of water! I would like a basketball/ volleyball/ tennis court type thing on the property. My house would have a full-service work out room so I can stop having to pay for 24-hour fitness. I would need a very large craft room. Husband would probably like a "man-cave" and be totally content. I would also like a commercial kitchen. It could be in an entirely different building on the property but I do want a commercial kitchen.
• I want to be a business owner -- Fear of failure governs even TRYING this. The whole business thing I expressed earlier FELLLLLLL ALLLL THE WAY THROUGH but I am not at all deterred. I willllll DO THIS!
• I want to be a published novelist. Period.
• I want to own several properties
• I dream of making a difference in my community.... possibly in the WORLD!
• I dream of...... being a mother to several children.

...if it be my destiny, i welcome all my dreams into my world...

Afternoon Nap

I fell asleep on the couch at my in-laws house today. I don't know why I've been so sleepy and so tired. It could possibly be the intense workout that I had at the gym. Anyway, I knocked right out while sitting straight up in the couch. There's just something about that particular spot on that particular couch that sends me right into sweet slumber. As I drifted between consciousness and sleep, the voices of my husband and my in-laws punctuated the clouded story lines in my dream world.

The final story line in dream land delivered my dearest friend from beyond the veil, Mish, and placed her conveniently in my in-laws study, in my dream. (I wonder why my subconscious mind often places Mish in my dreams. **sigh**) In the dream Mish sat in the study, playing on the computer. Her fantastic smile and delicate giggle made the conscious me MELT. I miss her so much. The significant portion of the dream made me so confused when I woke up.

She delivered two babies to me. Gorgeous, gorgeous babies! And... they ABSOLUTELY adored me. The younger baby was ready for a diaper change. I took him into the study and asked Mish for a diaper. She looked at me and mouthed, "Sorry babe. I didn't bring any diapers." And with that, my husband woke me from my nap.

What does it all mean?

Revisiting Thomas

I suggest reading through the Thomas Chronicles for background information.

First installment of the Thomas Chronicles

******

I dreamt about Thomas last night. I don't know why he entered my dreams but he seemed to be the constant theme through it all. It could possibly be because I had googled him the other night and found him on some reunion site. He doesn't look as good as I remember him to be. The years have crept up on him.

Through the grape vine, I've heard that he's doing well. He works. Supports all his kids. Is still married. Bought a house. He's settled! As it should be.

In my dream, he followed me everywhere. There was no escaping him. Wherever I was, there he was. I was in a library -- there he was. I was walking on the street and he was following me in a white truck. I was at a restaurant, eating with some friends, and there he was, observing me from the window. I was in the middle of the city, hand in hand with my husband and there he was following us. The crazy thing is that he wouldn't talk to me in the dream. He would observe from a distance but never confront me. It was downright creepy. Everywhere I'd turn in my dream, he'd be there staring at me.

I think my subconscious is regurgitating all these emotions because at one point in our relationship, at the tail end of it all, he began stalking me. The guilt I've felt over how I "did" him haunts me from time to time. I feel like reaching out to quail my tortured soul and perform some kind of restitution. But I think that restitution would only serve me. Me contacting an ex to apologize for bad behavior would offend my husband, would offend Thomas' wife and would only benefit me. I would be the only one able to unburden my sins.

**heavy sigh**

It's funny how dreams always seem to affect me in such an emotional way. I know that this is how my subconscious speaks to me. As I purge, I let go of my "sins" and become more and more ready to accept more of the abundance in the universe. I deserve it!

Naptime Dreams

It was a pleasant afternoon. I was spiritually fed from a great service at church, I had just eaten a nice brunch of french toast and a mushroom omelette. I was content to spend the rest of the afternoon finishing off the novel, The Known World by Edward P. Jones. I cozied into a nice position on my bed, opened my book and drifted off to sleep. I didn't even get a paragraph in before the lull of the dream world beckoned me.

I find that my dreams give me great insight into the state of my mind. It is my spirit revealing to my conscious mind some of the stumbling blocks that may come if I don't fix whats not working in my conscious world.

When I was going through a separation from my first husband. The same recurring dream would haunt me for many months. I would dream that I was in my home. My home would be on fire and everyone around me would be running to escape the flames. They scream at the top of their lungs for me to get out of the fire yet I steadily walk through my home and the flames don't affect me. And I am clueless as to why they're acting so frantically. I remember vividly everyone's concern for me in the dream. The dream rocked me to my core and I would wake from it with my heart racing, wet sheets from sweat, and reduced to heart breaking tears.

There are no coincidences! Afer experiencing the dream for so many weeks, I was desperate for answers. As I drove to work one morning, on the radio was the "Dream Guy". He interpreted dreams. I called in and was patched right through to him. Everyone knows how hard it is to get through to a radio station. This, however, was a breeze. I recounted the dream to him and my dumbfounded stupor over its significance and meaning. He revealed to me, in detail, the state of my emotional well-being without knowing a thing about me or my separation from my husband.

The house is symbolic of self. My emotions, my soul, ME. The fire was indicative of doom, of failure, of danger. Thus, the burning house was me headed for a melt down. The people running from the building was my family who were very frightened by the fire, as most people are who find themselves in a burning building. Their screaming and yelling from outside the burning building was their concern for me. My apathy to the fiery home was my naivete, my total disregard for my own emotional well-being at the expense of me.

The "dream guy" said, "You are so used to being emotionally hurt that you are totally oblivious to what's really happening to you."

I was totally rocked by that comment. As he continued to reveal to me the pitfalls of my current emotional state, I was reduced to tears as I had begun to see myself as very weak and vulnerable. I had dedicated so much of who I was to the failing relationship that was my first marriage at the expense of me. I put him and only him above my own needs. I knew it needed to stop and yet I allowed another two years to pass between my ex and I before I emotionally let go of the relationship. I let him back into my world only for him to trample all over my heart again.

My dreams are a great compass for me to direct my conscious self. Sometimes I feel an emotion in my dream and I recognize it in the conscious world and I act accordingly, as I had done in the dream. It works! I am often beckoned into the world of dreams as I was today. And usually, therein is a message.

Adieu!