"...when you have nothing to be ashamed of, when you know who you are and what you stand for, you stand in wisdom. Insight. Strength and Protection. You stand in peace." ~Oprah Winfrey
I am aging.
You are aging.
We are all aging and there's one guarantee in life - we are all going to die eventually.
The older I get, the more it becomes a reality and that my youthful thoughts of living forever young are fading. I still feel young but I know that I'm no spring chicken. I still feel the invincibility of youth but the reality is that Father Time is ticking away.
I cherish all the connections I have made in my lifetime with friends and family. At some point, our friends play a larger role in our lives because we actually get to pick our friends. Whereas, we don't really have a choice with our family.
So, moving forward, I know I need to reach out to my friends and family more often. I need to make it a point to call for no other reason than to say hello and connect. There are very few that I trust to share the intimate details of my life for fear of judgement. I don't really care to hear EVERYONE's opinion on my life. And yet my life is an open book if you ask me the right questions. (I don't volunteer just any kind of information.)
Being connected and feeling connected is an important component in my life. Even with the thousands of miles between my immediate family and I, I still feel so connected to them and involved in their comings and goings. My nieces and nephews are my heart and my soul and I believe that connection that I have with them is because of my deep, unconditional love for them. Perhaps I can incorporate that unconditional love approach to all of the people I am connected to you.
I don't know.
What I do know is that we all need to get connected -- to our friends and family, to our innermost desires, and to what is most authentic to us.
The question, what do you want to be remembered for is a common question in motivational workshops. I have seen mastery classes that actually do an obituary for you, complete with your picture and your name. This is to prompt you to contemplate the condition of your life and if it is where you want to be. And if not, what are you going to do about it?
I am going to be 43 on August 4th. The older I get the more real mortality becomes. The magic of my youth and the idea that I will never get old is fading and I realize that I have not done the things I was put on this earth to do. It has been a struggle to make these transitions, to extend myself beyond the known boundaries of my life. I have no paid mentor telling me how to navigate the self-publishing world but I am not afraid. I am not afraid to fail. I am not afraid of falling flat on my face because I will push until I do the things that I have set out to do.
Beyond my personal goals though, I wish to impact the world in a positive way. So often, we are inhibited by our cultural and religious upbringing that says we must seek to elevate "the village" over personal growth. It does serve its purpose and some people's legacy will be that of sacrificing their own personal desires to serve the greater good. It has taken me nearly 43 years to put that type of thinking on the side and move out of the neutrality of my life and into believing and knowing that my life is powerful. I am not a bystander, watching life happen around me. I am empowered to do whatever it is I am called to do.
We read and see quotes like, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Every time I would see that quote I used to think that it was for the people who had power and influence, not for me. That quote was not for lil ole me in the middle of the Pacific, working the 9 to 5 everyday. And even if I never have the power and influence like Oprah, I can still effect change in my small part of this great big universe. I share Marianne Williamson's famous quote:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that
other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
I have struggled with identity. Who am I? I have been blessed, beyond measure, with a healthy imagination, a bright mind, a kind heart, and a optimistic vigor for life. Why am I settling to be just like everyone around me when I know in my heart that I am so much more. I am not saying that I am better than people around me. What I am saying is that I have spent most of my life being the same as everyone instead of following my imagination. I have worked so long at 'fitting in' rather than allowing myself to stand out and honor the gifts that I have been given. What good is a sharp knife in the kitchen drawer if you never use it? What good are kind words if it is never spoken? What good is a song if it is never sung? We are here on this planet, in this space and time, and it's time to use our gifts to truly create the change we wish to see in the world.
With that being said, I hope that at the end of my life, it will be said of me that "She lived a magnificent life."
There is a song performed by Leann Womack titled I Hope You Dance. The lyrics are beautiful, poetic, and imparts feel-good vibrations all the way around.... except for one line. It says, "Never settle for the path of least resistance." I think the song is flawed because of that one line. It should have said something like, "Don't give up even though it's hard," "Be persistent."
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin' Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'
I made the move out to South Carolina because it is and has been the path of least resistance. There have been so many events that are seemingly unrelated yet in my mind they have sequentially pointed me in one direction. That direction is for me to make this move to South Carolina.
Don't let some hellbent heart leave you bitter When you come close to sellin' out, reconsider
No one ever falls in love thinking that it will end. I have always walked in the direction of love with fierce enthusiasm and the best intentions and ever so optimistic that this time it will be forever. It's not a secret that I have tucked away two romances. I cherish both of them and their presence and season in my life for different reasons. And now I stand in my own truth, my middle-aged self, that I must live for me and only me; that I must dream for me and walk in that dream. I cannot live to be a wife or to be a daughter, a sister, or aunt though I cherish all of those titles and the responsibilities that come with them.
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
Today, I walk in my truth and in my happiness - happiness that has alluded me for a very long time. My divorce from my ex-husband has opened me up to all the possibilities of my life. There is so much power in discovering who I am and standing confidently in my authenticity. I no longer worry about what people say or think of the big dreams that I have or even of the seemingly small decisions that I make. Traveling this road alone has been tough. I counted so much on my ex to be my cheerleader and to support my crazy ideas. Most of the time, if my desires did not fit his, he would shoot them down and not support it. So now that I don't have him in my world, I realize that he was not my cheerleader and he is no longer stopping me from doing the thing I want to do the most. I am free to move about as I see fit.
May you never take one single breath for granted God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed
I am beginning to let the "real me" emerge as I abandon old belief systems in favor of my own crafted version of the meaning of life. My search for happiness is now a path of happiness. I choose to be in a state of happiness no matter what the circumstances of my life are. I am not searching. I am not waiting for happiness to happen. Everything happening around me cannot disrupt the happiness I feel right now and in every single moment. Even when I'm shedding tears of sadness, the tears are just a means to let go of sad emotions and to make room for joy.
I hope you dance.
I hope I dance.
I am choosing to never sit out on experiencing life ever again. I will allow my own sense of morality to guide me and not inhibit me from participating in the great dance of life. There should never be guilt or shame around someone choosing to be exactly who they feel they are inside. Judgement over someone that has a different lifestyle than your own is antiquated and fosters a sense of exclusivity rather than inclusion. And right now, I am all about giving love to anyone I come in contact with. That is the best way I can serve the world by spreading love.
This past weekend I went to Vegas with the bestie. We had both talked about doing a girls trip for a long time and it just happened to be our 25th High School Reunion. So we went and had a blast. Thank you to her hubby for agreeing to this trip.
One of the things that makes her my bestie is that I NEVER have to hide my true feelings from her, no matter what is going on in my life. I am NEVER afraid to speak my truth with her. She never judges, never makes me feel bad for wanting what I want even if it makes NO SENSE to her. And the funny thing is that most times, she can see through my facade when I'm trying to "fake it" and usually calls me on it after entertaining me for awhile. I feel no shame if I begin to sob my eyes out because 100% of the time, she's sobbing her eyes out with me.
Every time we get together we do a little bit of everything. We do some partying, pampering at the spa, we've added gambling to our fun-things-to-do (even before this trip), watch some really good shows, movies, shopping, eating. We even snuck in a visit to a psychic (so random) and a stop at REVOLT Tattoo -- all the while catching up on our lives. And the catching up part is where we let go of all our frustrations and try to make sense of the things happening in our lives, separately.
I cherish the catching-up-part. Especially during this trip. I spoke my truth and I feel so good that I actually admitted it to myself and told my best friend. It's nobody's business what my deepest desire is and when I spoke the words to her - she had the biggest smile and tears of joy that I finally came clean about it. (There is one other person I told but he and I have not spoken since last October.) After unburdening myself from "my truth," I felt different. It was like my mind changed in an instant and I believe that my deepest desire will happen for me.
The first night we arrived, we opened up our bags. We both had bought outfits for each other. She says that the stuff I buy her is wayyy too short and I tell her the stuff she buys for me is too tight or sexy. But it's what we do. We played dress up with all our new outfits before we went out to meet up with our classmates at a Korean Karaoke Bar. Oh my goodness, SoJu is my new drink - peach flavored.
If I talked about everything we did, each day would have its own post. We packed a lot of things into our short weekend. Something we started doing as we left the hotel is take a picture in the full length mirror. I share the pictures below. We always have a good time when we're together. Next girl's trip... NYC?
My 16-year old niece shared this song with me over the Christmas Break. I'm In Love With Another Man performed by Jazmine Sullivan. Scroll down, I embedded the YouTube video at the bottom of this post. Maybe you can play it while you read this post.
I don't know if she understands the lyrics of the song but she had this on repeat (along with The Greatest Showman soundtrack) every day. Today, as I did my lunchtime walkabout around the State Capitol here in Columbia, South Carolina, the song came up on my playlist. As I listened to the lyrics and to the nuances of Jazmine's voice and the rising intensity of the song, I hoped that my niece identifies with that rather than the lyrics. Surely, she's much too limited in experience to understand the dilemma, right?!
As I made my way along the sidewalks of Downtown Columbia, I placed the song on REPEAT. I was immediately thrown back to the spring of 1994. My boyfriend at the time was a lovely man. Well, without divulging too much about myself in relation to him, we were in love even with all the obstacles that should have kept us apart. I thought I was in love. I thought what he and I had was love. Up until that point, what he and I had is what I would define as LOVE. Then one hot and sunny April day, while my boyfriend was away for work, I met someone else.
I wish I could say that I was a good girlfriend and turned away from the advances of the "someone else." But I didn't. I had a terrible headache the day I met someone else and I was grouchy, tired, probably dehydrated, and I just wanted to sleep. My friends that I was hanging with were in full-party-mode and the chances were slim of me finding somewhere to lay my head to rest and nurse my aching head.
If I could, could forget him I would, please believe me And I know that I should throw the towel in But baby, it's not, not that easy You treat me so much better than him And if I were sane there'd be no competition
The song's lyrics set up a likely dilemma for a soap opera. Girl has a boyfriend. Girl falls in love with someone else. Someone else is not as nice as her boyfriend but she wants to break from her boyfriend anyway. My situation in 1994 is almost like that but not. I had a boyfriend and I meet someone else and fall in love with someone else. However, unlike the lyrics of the song, someone else treated me just as good, if not better than the boyfriend. So the position of the song doesn't quite fit with my situation but it reminded me of it nonetheless.
I wish I could say that my break from the boyfriend was drama free but it so wasn't. Someone Else stood by me through the many ups and downs that accompanied a relationship with me and the crazy break up with my boyfriend. I knew he was going to be someone special to me the minute I laid my eyes on him. We were driving past him and his friends. He was sitting on a car laughing. I will never forget that strange feeling I had when I saw him and this was before we even met formally. Like I said, I wish I were a better girlfriend and remained true to my man but that was not in the stars. Someone else stole me away. Well, I wouldn't say stole because I went with him willingly. Whole-heartedly.
It was just going to be a fling. That's what I had put into my mind. Boyfriend would never be the wiser. That is not how it turned out. When "someone else" and I met, there was a definite buzz between us. Electricity. Sparks. Flames. Hell, it was a fire even with the gnawing headache that I was nursing. After meeting that Sunday evening, flirting, we exchanged numbers then parted ways. There was no denying the attraction between us and I was curious where the sparks would lead.
MONDAY LUNCH TIME - He calls me. We make plans to meet up again. I was so impressed that he called when he said he would.... and the butterflies fluttered aimlessly through my belly.
MONDAY NIGHT - A few of my girls accompanied me to his apartment. After all, we just met and I wasn't comfortable going there by myself. His room mates were there also. And with all the people around us, both he and I just wanted to be alone. The animal attraction between us was sparking hotter than it was the night before. We were both being polite for all the other people there. If they weren't there, our lips would have locked a whole lot sooner. Instead, we kissed as I was attempting to leave with my girls and the rest is history.
I saw him the entire time that boyfriend was off on a work trip. I was instantly smitten by "the someone else" and I knew I could not return to my boyfriend. I tried. I really did. Someone else and I even agreed to continue seeing each other even after my boyfriend returned. I was not happy with boyfriend. Suddenly, he wasn't enough. I tried to pretend that nothing happened while boyfriend was away but I could not forget the way someone else made me feel, the endless conversations we had, how he loved my body, how I felt so safe, and there was just no way to deny that I had fallen madly, deeply in love with someone else.
Oh but when I'm with him, but when I'm with him When I'm with him, ain't nothing else like it I'm so sorry baby that I have to do this to you But I can't go on pretending Cause I love him, I love him And I'm so sorry, do you hear me? I'm so sorry but I love that man I love that man
In the end - it happened just like the song.
I'm in love with another man And I'm so sorry, hey But I love someone else
All of my life, especially at the foot of my mother, I have been taught the following about love relationships:
Marriage is between a man and a woman. Sex happens after marriage. Children happen after marriage.
And for all of my life, I believed that. I believed that love relationships progressed from love to marriage between a man and a woman to sex to children. I did not necessarily obey the "sex happens after marriage" part but I certainly believed that those were all excellent guiding principles for living a happy life.We live in an ever changing world whose values are shifting all the time. Marriage is being redefined. Gender roles - redefined. Bathroom entrance - who can use the bathroom and where - redefined. The world is shifting. TWO FAILED MARRIAGES
Here I am at age 42 and the result of the guiding principles is that I have two failed marriages under my belt. I'm not attributing the "guiding principles" as the reason that I have two failed marriages. I'm just saying that those principles did not really have an effect on the outcome. So here's what I'm thinking I want to do moving forward. I am nixing the whole marriage requirement. I don't think I ever want to be married again. My heart just can't take another round of giving my all only for it to end in divorce. I don't want to do that again. EVER. Of course, that's me talking right now and who knows what's in store for the future. My commitment to my mate DOES NOT need to be "sanctified" by the State. I can commit to him in front of God and vow fidelity and respect all the days of our lives. Why do I need to add the contractual certification from the State?
WILLIAM AND MURON
I am reminded of the scene in the movie Braveheart where William and Muron marry secretly in the cemetery. The priest meets them and they cite their vows to one another and the Church sanctions their union. William chose this route because "the State" at that time was the English under the direction of Edward Longshanks. According to the movie, Longshanks ordered the practice of prima nocta. This allowed the English Lord of the town or village the right to sleep with a new Scottish bride on her wedding night. The desired effect was to breed the Scots out of existence. Heinous and absolutely uncivil but this is why William chose to marry his love in secret. IS MARRIAGE A HASSLE?
Now I'm not saying that my refusal of state-sanctioned marriage fixes my relationship problems. That is not what I'm saying. What I am thinking, though, is that I don't want the hassle of marriage. I want him to live in his place and me in my place and on occasion, we meet for the weekend. He can attend special events with me. I can go with him. But to co-habitate and get bills and mortgages together? I don't want it. To have to cook and clean up after him, I can do without it. Well, I take that back, I actually enjoy cooking and cleaning. I just don't want to be tied down EVER again. I don't want to ask for permission to do anything! I don't want to ask permission on spending my well-earned money. I don't want to ask permission to go on a girls trip if I wanted to. I don't want to answer to anybody! #iStillBelieveInLove
So then, this logic begs the question -- is my newly defined love relationship just about sex and physical satiation? Companionship, love, are those things no longer important to my new definition of a committed relationship? And if that be the case, am I just a creature of physical lust, animalistic in nature? I don't know what this new approach means. I am not sure how it will even play out. I don't want to appear as a bitter woman because I don't feel like I am. In fact, I am the exact opposite. I love life. Heck, my hashtag for the last year has been #iStillBelieveInLove because I do. I believe that I will experience blissful love again. I look forward to it. This time, though, it will be on my terms.
the pursuit of it
the wanting
the needing
the search for a partner to compliment my soul
This past weekend, I came to a quick realization that I deserve everything my heart desires.
The
next time love finds me, it will be without effort, without having to
overcome insurmountable odds just for our relationship to exist. I will
never have to wonder if he loves me because it will be apparent. His
pursuit of me will match or exceed my efforts and I will be in
competition with NO ONE.
I have come to realize that I
am worthy of a love that is big and sincere. It is not my job to prove
to anyone that I am a good woman. Even though I categorize myself as the
realest ride-or-die chic, I am not the poster child for all good
women.Why should I continue to portray myself as this loyal partner when
it goes unappreciated? My display of loyalty and honor and respect for
my partner has me sacrificing my own needs. I compromise so much of who I
am to be "that girl" for my man. I'm done with that.
Some
of my closest friends tell me that I should wait for my ex-husband,
wait for him to want me again. I think it is so degrading for me to wait
around for him. If I wait for him, I'm telling myself that he is more
important than my own needs, that my heart is not as important as his
love. It's been a year since we split. I still adore him but I am tired
of being sad. I am tired of carrying around my broken heart and if there
is love for me on the horizon, may it be pure and free from any pain
and heartache.
I don't want to associate new love with
any pain or broken hearts. Some say that the pain adds to the the depth
of the relationship but I don't need it. I want it to lift me and push
me to the highest heights. I want to laugh uncontrollably in his arms
and feel the aching in my belly that comes from laughter. I want to feel
butterflies every time I think of him and see him. I want to feel him
gently supporting my every endeavor no matter how stupid it may sound.
I
never want to worry about another broken heart. Thinking of trusting my
heart to another man scares me. Is it unrealistic to have an
expectation that a man could love me for life? True, faithful, and full
of genuine love and affection not just for a couple of years but for
life, forever? What I really want is to put all of my broken hearts
behind me and never look back. I know I speak about forgiveness and
having no malice in my heart but I don't think I can let go of the pain
of my broken heart.... at least not yet.
I don't know
what tomorrow brings. All I know is the condition of my heart right now.
It's a little bruised up and not ready for anything serious. I don't
know when I will be ready again. I take it one day at a time. Some days I
feel good. Some days it takes everything in me NOT to fall to pieces.
Songs normally trigger a reaction. Billy Ocean's "Love is Forever"
will have me a complete and utter mess. And, well, I'm tired of the
emotion. I am tired of the bouts of sadness. Don't get me wrong though, I
love to be in love. Heck, my moniker as of late has been
hashtag-i-still-believe-in-love. I do! I really do... just not for me at
this very moment.
Much time has passed since we were little girls, dressed in pink, at our 6th Grade graduation. We sang Lean on Me and Somewhere Out There as our class songs. We wore our beautiful leis and celebrated the achievement of finally leaving elementary school. After graduation, we danced in the school cafeteria to Janet Jackson's "Control" and the Timex Social Clubs, "Rumours". "Shackles on My Feet," played too. We giggled. We jammed and we dreamed of the life we would lead. Here we are a couple of decades later and we're still alive. We're healthy. We're moving with the tide of life.
Our recent chance meeting brought together by a mutual friend was fated. I realized this as I listened to your story and your difficulty with your sudden change in relationship status. 27 years is a long time to dedicate to one person and to watch him throw it away so casually is upsetting. For you, I know it is devastating.
I want to tell you that I admire how you are persevering through the heart ache. We, as women, have that in common - the experience of love lost. If there was anything that I could tell you to see you through such a difficult transition is that how you feel today will not always be. Choose today to break through your cocoon into an even more stunning butterfly, brilliant with color and the freedom of wings. You, my friend, are on your way to a life that is more fulfilling than the last 27 years as you watch your children and grandchildren develop into their own magnificence.
I wish there were an easier way to get through the heartache but these lessons are conditioning your heart and soul for the life ahead of you. The strength you are exercising now to move on in life is a beautiful thing. When you look back on today, on this hard time, you will marvel at your courage. And one day you will bless the day that he walked out. It has granted you such a large amount of freedom to truly find your center again and realize the beauty you have inside.
Be easy like water, my friend, and flow with the tide of life
--never fighting against it
--never questioning where it is taking you
--never stopping its meandering journey
The past two months have been such a roller coaster. With all the
different funerals and deaths that I have dealt with in the past couple
of weeks, I am emotionally overwhelmed (not in a bad way). Life is
short. People I love will come and go in my life and just because
they're gone from my presence doesn't mean that they aren't alive in me.
We
buried Uncle Roy today. When my mother moved here from Samoa she lived
with his family. He was a little boy when she came through but my mother
always spoke so highly of his mother. If I remember correctly, my
mother left Samoa to attend the Church College of Hawai'i and to escape
my grandmother's attempt to marry her off. I did whatever I could to
assist in making the memorial services for Uncle Roy a success. From
decorations to set-up and execution, ordering flower leis, following-up
on food orders, making sure there are enough workers to assist in
different things. **whew** I feel like I put in more work than when my
own mother passed...but that's because others served me in my own
preparation to send my mother off. I put in work in remembrance of my
mother and my mother's love for Uncle Roy's mother. I wonder if other
people think about the relationships from the past and serve in
"remembrance of"...? Both my mother and Uncle Roy are gone from my
presence but I know that their energy is out there somewhere in the
great big universe. A piece of them are alive in me.
Death
has a way of making people reflect on life and the people they love.
Surely I have contemplated my mortality since the passing of my mother. I
think of my father and how wonderful he still looks at 70 years of age.
I think of preparing a living will to tie up all the loose ends and
helping my father get his stuff together also. But most importantly I
need to sort out the stuff that really matters and hold on to it; sort
out the stuff that's just FLUFF and let it all go. Ultimately, the thing
that matters most is my family and the people that are closest to me. I
want them each to know how much I love them.
Perhaps this is a continuation of my previous "Letting Go"
post. I have to release my feelings in some way, shape, or form. I have
become so infatuated/obsessed with death, dying, and the "whatever" of
life after death. I read through my most recent book, Proof of Heaven,
in a day or two. It's a neuroscientist's account of his journey beyond
death and back again. It was a short, simple read and I enjoyed it (for
the most part).
I love to dream about tomorrow,
about what life will be like after this dreaming. There are so many
traditions in the world that discuss the afterlife and I think all of
them have a measure of truth in them; from purgatory to reincarnation to
multiple lives -- they all have something I want or something I hope is
true. What if one lifetime is not enough? I wouldn't mind coming back
through the ages to find my friends. It almost seems like the ULTIMATE
game to play.... hide-and-seek through the eternities. **sigh**
When
I wake from this dreaming, I hope to see my mother and my grandmothers
there, grandfathers that I have never met, my uncles and aunts, cousins,
and dear friends. I hope they will meet me at the beginning of my journey and help me cross over.
