Spring Fool : Chasing Forever Edition

April 10th used to be a very special date to me. I suppose it is still special since here I am blogging about it. Ahhh maybe it's just a day for me to remember old love. I met my first love on this day many moons ago. It was all very magical and I was swept up in such a crazy whirlwind of new feelings and emotions. I was just 18 years old - so young and tender and brand new to grown-up love. He was so apprehensive of whatever was developing between us, and I, I was head over heels for him. I don't know what it is that makes people fall in love but there's nothing like it. Physical attraction leads to spending time together and before you know it, you are falling helplessly down a rabbit hole completely unable to stop gravity.

Here I am 24 years later and I have noticed the same pattern when I fall for a guy. The fireworks and the magic of new beginnings make me foolish. I overlook all the things that might be potential "red flags." Well, I don't actually overlook them and it's not that I don't see them, what happens is that I place those red flag behaviors neatly in a compartment in my mind that says, "I can change that." And maybe that's not something I should do anymore or maybe it's part of my charm? I have a thing for building up my man. My closest friends say that I pick "Project Men" - my selection in men need some shiny-ing up to take the roughness off of their edges. I don't mind that. I love that I can be a positive influence with the man I intend to love. A man should be so lucky to have a woman who supports him and pushes him to his greatest heights.

Even if I am attracted to "the project men," the last thing I want to feel is judged for my selection. Nothing anyone says can actually steer me away from my bull-headed stubbornness. I like what I like and nobody has to understand my choice or even agree with it. In fact, everyone thought I was a fool when I married my ex. Everyone was so sure that we were going to fail within the first year and, I can't lie, it was a rough first year. Hell, we had several rough patches. People thought I had made a big mistake and that it was too soon from my last relationship. They said that we didn't really know each other. It didn't matter because all of the comments came after he and I had already run away to Illinois to get married. We lasted thirteen years before he called it quits and I complied. The last thing I wanted was to stay with a man that didn't want me. But here is what I know. Here is the secret. If there is anything I know about myself, it's that I know how to be a good wife but more important, I know how to be a good partner. I know how to build my man up and shiny him up for all the world. I know how to support him and I know how to take charge when I need to. I am the difference. And so what if everyone judges my choices. Nobody has to understand it.

I know that I always talk about love and I'm obsessed with relationships and the dynamics that happen in marriage and now in my single-ness. I don't know if the topic is redundant but I do know that LOVE isn't going anywhere. It will always be a part of the human condition; how we want to cohabitate and nest and ride this road called life with a loving partner. I don't think I will ever lose the desire to share my life with someone. April 10th, every year, reminds me of new love and how much of a spring fool I am. But even though I've been hurt before, I will never lose my enthusiasm for finding someone to share my world with, to chase forever with. Even though it terrifies me to give my heart away again, I still want to believe that someone out there wants to give me the world. Someone out there wants to love me completely. He wants to be my protector, my provider, and wants to be by my side through every joy and every pain. I know he's out there maybe looking for me too and I just have to believe that love will find me again and this time it will be forever. #iStillBelieveInLove 

What's Your Song?

I have a love affair with love songs. Of course, I do. #iStillBelieveInLove

I can pin point exact times in my life with just a hint of the first measure of a song. For instance, the first two notes of I NEED LOVE by L.L. Cool J will have me thinking of the summer I turned 13. I had to have played that song a hundred times a day. If I wasn't in the ocean turning purple from being in the sun, I was laying out on the sand listening to L.L. and dreaming of being the one he wanted to kiss and hold. I had his posters plastered all over my bedroom wall. My nieces say he looks like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. I can't relate to that! He's aged but I still think he is delicious-looking. He's a married man and I shouldn't crush on him. Duh!

My older brother and I have this thing when we hear songs from our younger years... we will call out the year that it reminds us of. TWO OCCASIONS by The Deele -- sick memories for him and I. He's three years older than me so the memories are different but it takes us back to the same year. For me, it reminds me of Christmas time when I was in the 8th grade. I remember the first time I heard it, we were on our way to a volleyball tournament. I was the setter for our Laie Town Girls team. Our jerseys were white with blue letters. I remember thinking that I couldn't wait to be in love, to have someone feel that way about me -- that they only "...think of me on Two Occasions. Day and Night." My enthusiasm for love and being in love way back when could not have prepared me for all the heartache I have known in my life since then. And even with all the heartache I have known, it has not dampered my excitement to love and be loved. Call me a hopeless romantic or foolish. #iStillBelieveInLove

The first strum of PURPLE RAIN has multiple memories attached to it. I think I was in the 4th or 5th grade when that movie came out. As a little person, I could not have identified with the lyrics of that song in its full totality in the way that I do now. Prince is and will always be a genius in my eyes. The personal stories everyone has with his music and especially Purple Rain, the song and the movie, could probably fill volumes of books. I remember riding in a van with a bunch of girls to Waimea Valley and we had Purple Rain on repeat throughout the hour long drive. By the end of the drive, we had all memorized the lyrics and had our own connection to the song. As an adult, I remember having a "date night" with my sis. She had her man and I had brought over a "friend" and we did dinner and a movie at her place. The movie we watched was Purple Rain. Needless to say, it was a night to remember. The details of which will remain tucked away in my memory and attached to that song and movie.

Music has a crazy way of manufacturing feelings that may not have been there beforehand. I think of the song by Shai, COME WITH ME. At the time that song came out, my then boyfriend had just moved away from me - thousands of miles across the ocean. I remember hearing the song and the lyrics and I decided in my mind that I would follow him, that I would do whatever was necessary to be in his arms and be the love of his life. I get that way - when I want something I go after it hard. Is it a flaw or a strength? I don't know. I end up putting my ALL into following my desires. And it's not his fault that I am so forward and so very devoted to loving him - whoever "him" is at the moment. It's a crazy pattern that I should probably change because it seems to have a negative effect on me.
I want to know
Should I really, really go
And if so, are you coming with me?
So I, I got to know,
If you really want me to go,
And if so, come with me!

I married that man that I followed thousands of miles across the sea. He was my first husband. When we married, we had a big wedding. He was my first love and the man that I wanted to share forever with. The song I chose to walk down the aisle to is RIBBONS IN THE SKY by Stevie Wonder. The first bars of that song still reminds me of the day we wed. It was so very rainy. Nothing was going right. One of my bridesmaids told me, right before we went out to walk down the aisle, "You don't have to do this. If you have any reservations, we can run away right now." I will never forget her words. I almost took her up on it. No amount of wedding primp could have prepared me for the loss of that love in my life. He was the only man to have my heart so full and so complete - it had not been jaded or tainted by hurt and broken promises. He left me after six years of marriage. I still think of him walking out of my apartment after we signed the divorce papers. Seeing his back exit the door, his distinct walk, the silhouette of his body; my heart went with him.

Music will always be a big part of my life. In recent months India Arie's, BEAUTIFUL SURPRISE, has me all warm and fuzzy. New love is always so exciting especially when love was not the expectation. And new love can never be that deep love that comes after years of being in a relationship. It's not supposed to but it contains all the hope of enduring love, forever love. It can never get to that point without the butterflies of new affection first. That initial attraction fuels the fire that forces us to take flirtation to some next level feelings.

I know I am EXTRA when it comes to the way I demonstrate my affections. I will never stop being that way and one day someone will appreciate that about me. I will not change the way that I love. I will not change how devoted I am when in love. I will never change my level of commitment when I give it and my loyalty will always be something that my man will always remember. My past loves could NEVER say that they ever questioned my loyalty or my devotion to them. When you talk about a true partner, I see myself as that woman. I will always make sure that my man looks good to everyone in his life. I support his vision, encourage him to be the best man that he can be for everyone in his world, not just me. EVERYONE. I will never understand why my past loves would walk away from this. I can only move forward and believe in the hope of new love.

Just recently, I stumbled on PROMISE TO LOVE by Kem. I am picking that as my song if I ever fall in love again and maybe one day marry again. Maybe (marry again)! My heart has been banged up especially this past year. But I will never lose my enthusiasm to be in love again. I will never stop believing that there is a man out there that wants to be in my world FOREVER.
You're the baddest woman I have every known
The sweetest thing I've ever had, yes you are
And I want to thank you baby
For loving me, and changing me, and saving me
You see I was lost, I was lonely
But you came and turned it all around girl
You light up my life, yes you do
You're the song of my heart
The joy of my soul

What's your song?

Thoughts of Her

The thought of my mother pops into my head on many occasions. It will be in random moments when her memory is least expected.

In a sea of Red at a Kahuku High School football game

While playing sudoku on my phone

Looking at a Facebook picture that I uploaded several weeks ago that my father commented on saying, "No one mourns her loss more than me."

Looking at an unkempt yard

Looking at an immaculate kitchen or a spotless living room

I miss her.

I miss her everyday and it seems like I miss her more as time passes.

Things that she's taught me seems to make complete sense now. While she was here, I seemed to fight against her wisdom and logic.

She lives on in me in a way that I thought I would never appreciate. All her countless hours of tireless, patient teaching has affected me so profoundly.

These past few days, I've been fighting a cold. When I was at my worse, I instantly thought of the many times my mother bathed and nurtured me as a child. No doubt, I took her for granted while she was here on the earth. For that, I regret every moment I spent fighting against her wisdom.

And yet, it is in our disagreements that I have come to continually discover "ME".

My mother is one of my greatest teachers and I look forward to reuniting with her.... I know when I do see her again, it will be like no time at all had passed.

Please grant me the endurance to get through this lifetime relatively quickly and full of lasting memories as I journey toward my next lifetime... ever searching to meet with HER again.

Wishing On Forever

I found out some unsettling news today.

I feel like I will live forever
Like my parents will never age and that they too will live forever

I feel like the people I consider my second family will live forever
That sickness will never interfere with our earthly happiness
But it does

We are, after all, human
Subject to sickness
But capable of health
and Wellness
and Joy
and Strength
and Happiness
and LOVE, unconditional

I contemplate my mortal existence
Fragile
Fleeting
and I factor in all the relationships and bonds I have nurtured over the years
and I have concluded
that
ONE LIFETIME
is not enough
I want forever
for Always
for this world
and the next