Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Chaos

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting



This has been a VERY rough month for me.

I have never felt so displaced as I do today. There are several reasons why it is so.

First and foremost -- caring for my mother has proven to be QUITE challenging. She is still very stubborn and VERY dramatic.

Number two -- My husband should come first and for the most part he does... but as a dutiful daughter I feel a compelling need to care for my mother and in the process have neglected the needs of my own little family. Thank the Lord above that my husband is so understanding and supportive.

Number three -- it's been a transition for me... as far as careers go... I've been working on the Charter School thing and for the most part, it's a waiting game now. I've submitted several grant applications and the team has been patiently waiting for responses. In the meantime, I've been temping to pay the bills and I thought I'd never say this but -- I want to get stable. I want to lay down some roots and really dig in and SETTLE down. **sigh**

Husband has been really supportive through all of this. Right now, he's attending school and its really great. I think he's tired of the whole school thing and wants to get out and WORK. I support whatever decision he makes. I'm a firm believer that you can do WHATEVER you put your mind to -- with OR without an education.

I've thrown all my cards into the air and as they chaotically, haphazardly fall from the sky -- they will LAY where they will LAY... and I will be just fine.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Walking Away


This past weekend was VERY strange.

Husband and I have been arguing all weekend long... like CATS & DOGS! The contention has been overwhelming.

I love him dearly but lately we've just been so impatient with each other. I've been under enormous amounts of stress and something needs to give. I'm afraid to ask my husband to wait while I put my mothers house in order because my husband should be FIRST.... but such is the case.

Often times, when he and I get into it like this -- the first thing we talk about is walking away and not looking back. Divorce and living without each other. After all the arguing and disagreeing and we're just fed up to the HIGHEST, it usually goes down like this....

HIM: so what u wanna do?

ME: what u WANNA do?

HIM: u couldn't handle life without me.

ME: trust me. i've done it before. i don't NEED u.

HIM: yeah right. u wouldn't even make it if i left.

ME: no you wouldn't make it.

Going through the same dialogue after we've done arguing feeds that temporary desire to be rid of each other. And we repeat this dialogue ALL.THE.TIME. Is it healthy? I don't know. It's become a tradition with us.

Truth be told, I love my husband. He is such a positive force in my life. Right now we're struggling through the mundane and we'll get through it.

Friday, September 15, 2006

I Need a Hug


Sometimes life gets hard. Today was one of those days. I REALLY needed a hug today.

Why do we stop hugging as we get older?

I'm still tearing up as I write this over all the "burdens" I've created for myself. With my recovering mother, two brothers under 13, a husband that requires some maintenance, several business ventures that are currently suspended, moving and on and on -- I'm pooped!

I need to talk but I hate burdening folks with my issues. I need to PURGE. I attempted that with HUSBAND earlier in the day but... it exploded into something ENTIRELY different. I must perservere. As the cartoon CLEARLY illustrates -- I MUST NEVER GIVE UP!

Monday, September 11, 2006

I Live to Make Her Proud of Me


In such a public forum as this blog, I OFTEN over-expose (is that a word?) myself. However, I feel a WONDERFUL unburdening as I purge through writing. Bare with me.

I have experienced a myriad of emotions in the past couple of weeks and I'd like to share some of that. My mother had her first stroke in December 1995. She had her fourth and fifth stroke on August 26th, 2006. My mother and I have never really clicked. We are so alike in how we approach things that we OFTEN butt heads. Adding to the stress of an ailing mother-daughter relationship is how much resentment I've held onto over the years. I release that resentment RIGHT NOW! I no longer wish to punish her or myself OVER and OVER for past misunderstandings.

I wasn't prepared for what I seen in my mothers hospital bed the day after her stroke, Sunday. The woman I saw there was NOT my mother. I knew my mother to be strong and completely resilient through lifes trials. The woman laying in that hospital bed had TRULY given up. As our family gathered, I was the ONLY one losing it. I couldn't keep it together. The tears just kept falling as I pondered a life without my mother. I know there will come a time when I will have to let her go but I am not prepared for her to go anytime soon.

My mother told me to jot down her wishes for her funeral. She wanted to assign the speakers and who would give her eulogy and what kind of flowers she wanted and what songs she wanted sung. The flood of tears came rushing and I was completely unable to stop it. She drifted in and out of consciousness so my family sat in the lobby as my father attended her.

Without giving an entire "blow-by-blow" of my mothers sickness, she MADE IT OUT. She was able to come home on Labor Day. She suffers with slight paralysis on her left side but she's confident that she'll learn to use it again. That's the woman I know!

Through all of this, I am determined NOW more than ever to cherish my mother. I am motivated to write her life story and get to know the woman OUTSIDE of her just being my mother. I want to speak her language fluently. I want to know my culture more deeply. I want to be the woman she would have me be. I live to make her proud of me.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Finding my DIVINE-ness...

The past two years have been an amazing journey. I continue to step towards love, light, truth and knowledge.

I don't quite remember at what point my world shifted but it did and I'm glad.

I kicked the tobacco a year ago, however I did experience ONE relapse. I kicked the alcohol as well. Having disciplined myself to refrain from such shackles has opened up my mind and my soul to ACCEPT the love, light, truth and knowledge that has rained on me from the heavens.

So in my efforts to move away from things that harm me, I have TRULY found my DIVINE-ness. I have found the part of me that communes with God. I have never been happier. I have never known this much joy.