Sunday, April 03, 2005

The First Time

He was much older than I was. I wasn't physically attracted to him. Honestly, he advanced with me because of my insecurities. I was eating up the attention he was giving me. What can I say? I was still feeling awkward about the woman I was becoming. I can't even tell you what he looks like because I honestly don't remember.

I was 19 when I finally decided to explore sex. At that age, I was a couple of years behind all my friends and all the men we were dealing with... which meant I was singled out as the "virgin". The men stayed far, far away from me cuz:

1. I had no experience and would have no idea what to do.
2. It was just a given that I'd ALWAYS say no.
3. My girls were super protective of the vultures that came calling.

Enter Sgt. White! He was new to the scene and didn't have a clue about my "history". I ate up the attention he was serving me. Okay... so I'm 19 and feeling a little behind on things because I was still a virgin. I swear it was like that 80's movie, The Last American Virgin. Do you remember that movie? I'm tellin' you I was TRYIN' to give IT away. I just wanted to get it over with.

My folks taught me abstinence all through my life. In fact, my mother was a virgin when she married my father. So naturally she expected the same of me. She said that the MOST appropriate gift I could give my husband on our wedding night is my "chastity". What a different world we live in.

The night my first experience happened... there was a full moon. Sgt. White picked me up at the spot we agreed upon. It was crazy. We went into the room and we just went to it. Sad to say that all the romantic notions I had about my FIRST TIME vanished. There was no candlelight. No "knockin' boots" music. No tender kisses all over my body. No massage. Nothing. The man put it in me. It hurt like hell. I bled. And that was that. It was 15 minutes at the most, beginning to end. And that's being generous.

I'm sad that I gave it to someone who could never appreciate the gift I gave. That was MY BAD... cuz I should have been a little more protective of my chastity.

I'm sad that it wasn't love.

I'm sad that it wasn't special.

I wish I could do it all over again. He didn't know he had taken my virginity until a day later. Then he thought he owned me. I was disgusted. All of a sudden he wanted to be with me just cuz he knew no one else had. **sigh** What did I learn from all of it? I learned that I should want more for myself. I wish I wasn't so insecure back then. I wanted to "belong" so I compromised ME.... bad choice. And that really does sum it up -- It was a bad decision.


Chele said...

I love the way you tell stories. They always come to life.

If we could take back everything we didn't "do right" in would we learn? It would be as simple as just "taking it back" and that may make us even more reckless to have that out.

Change one thing.....change everything.

NeenaLove said...

@chele... absolutely!!! my experiences... good and bad make me who i am today. as always... your wisdom is appreciated. i visited your site and thought the net was actin' up. LOL....

Anonymous said...

oh know. i'm sorry that you look at your first experience as a mistake. i was 19 my first time too (a proud virgin), with the guy i was seeing at the time. no pressure, i was just curious about what the deal was - and figured i was old enough to try.
(btw - came through via shellyp)