Thursday, April 21, 2005

Looking Back... 10 Years Ago

This is an excerpt from my diary.

A Brief Summary of what was goin' on in my life....
I was living in New Mexico prior to this entry being written. I returned to Hawaii to testify in a sexual assault case.... my own.

I got dumped by Shane**... the same Shane** that turned out to be my first husband. So when I returned to Hawaii... I stayed. I couldn't go back to New Mexico because I was living with Shane**. Basically I had nowhere to go back to.

So there I was... a rape survivor... my life in complete turmoil because of the sexual assault. I remember at that time, I couldn't even admit to having been raped. For some reason, I equated it to being weak. I'll blog about the rape later... well... not about what happened but about where I've been.... emotionally.

Without further delay.... here is my diary entry.... 10 years ago.

Sunday, April 23rd, 1995
Dear Pepa, (i named my journal Pepa)
Lastnight, I went cruising with Bernadine and Mae. It was a whole lotta fun. We ran into Luandrias... she has changed her name to Cyrene Autumn. It was so nice to cruise with them but I still wanna go back to New Mexico.

My feelings are still very mixed up. Okay, this is the plan... if I can get on the job in New Mexico and get accepted for school then I'll be straight. And if not, then I'll probably just turn around and come home or go to L.A. or Frisco. I just need my space and I need my man. I want it all. I just don't want Shane** to brush me off. I wish he could love me as much as I for him. I'm so lonely for him. I'm sad... I wanna be with him for a long time to come. At the NCO Club on Friday, I didn't talk to no one... jus' chilled. Everywhere I turned and seen a atall, bald, Black man dressed somewhat like John** --> I'd go crazy and yearn to feel him near. I really miss him but I don't think he'll ever understand.

Oh gosh, it hurts so much. Why did I let him get that close? He says to wait 'til August... when he gets back from Saudi Arabia. I gotta know. I'm trying so hard to understand him. He says COMMITMENT is what is scaring him away and it's not me. How can that be? He thinks that I'm pressing him to marry me. Sure... it would be so nice to spend the rest of my life with him but only if he feels the same. He just flipped my world upside down again. But I'm prepared to wait for as long as I see fit.

He says there's nothing wrong with me... I'm PERFECT!... but I wanna know why he can't trust me or why it gotta end. I told him that if he never puts his heart on the line he'll never know how fulfilling it can be. I give up already. I always get close and then get jacked in the end. It doesn't take much to make me happy. It hurts so much. He makes it seem so easy to throw it all away and I told him that. He said it ain't even like that. Then, what's it like? He seems immuned to it all. It's tearing me up inside. Maybe he's right about me tryin' to get him to marry me but I still, feel too young. But I can see him and I, but it's all up to him.

I always end up with the bad end of the deal! Every man that has ever come into my life has hurt me, either by not reciprocating the feelings or just bein' a DOGGY DOGG. When is someone ever gonna love me for what I am? When are they gonna see that I'm a good woman? Physically, I can feel my heart breaking and my stomach is hurting. Love me today. I just feel sick. I wish I could just disappear.

I'm losing the ONLY person who has been there for me since the RAPE. And I'm gonna miss it.


I read that today and just had to laugh. Shane** had me whooped for a good long time. My life has changed... but I only realize it when I go back to my old journals. I'm actually grateful for having these journals to look at and read and see where I've been. When I broke up with Shane**, I was soooo tempted to burn ALL OF THEM. BooBoo convinced me otherwise.

But probably, more important is the growth I've experienced within the past 10 years.

**Name changed to protect the past


YouToldHarpoTaBeatMe said...

I'm embarrassed about stuff I wrote 10 days ago, let alone 10 yrs ago. Had I kept a journal back then, the only reason I would've ever gone to Frisco, would've been to jump off the Golden Gate...yup, that scandalous.

Don't you just love looking at how far you've come and how much you've grown?

G. Cornelius said...

Sometimes you have to look at the past to be grateful for the present...I'll keep you posted

NeenaLove said...

@harpo... i have stuff i've written from like when i was 8. i go back and look at that mess and laugh all day long. i've come a long way.

@g.cornelius... yes indeed! i'm grateful to be able to look back at the little things. the progress blows my mind. flip side --> the non-progress blows my mind also.

Anonymous said...

just like my mom always says the Lord don't give you what you can't handle just what you can.when it is your time nothing or no one will stand in you and the Lord's way.

NeenaLove said...

@kevin... thanks for stopping by. i appreciate hearing that. i know it's true!

Apocalypse said...

sometimes you have to look at where you were to appreciate where you are...good blog.

NeenaLove said...

@apocalypse... so true! thanks for stopping by. i look back at my stuff and think... "how silly"... but it was all necessary to get me where i stand today.