Thursday, July 05, 2012

Morose PMS Rant, Heartbreaking

When my first husband and I were going through the process of getting separated and then finally when we did separate, I thought it was the end of the world. I thought that my heart could not break or shatter like it did and it could not possibly ever come together again. At the time and on up to the divorce, every day was a practice in sanity under light depression. Even now, as I look back, I am amazed that I made it out from beneath such a dark cloud.

I remember the sad songs that were my constant friend, ever able and willing to send me into silent tears of loss.
Of longing.
Of self-doubt.
Of heartbreak.

Luther Vandross - I'd Rather
James Ingram - How Do You Keep the Music Playing
Marc Dorsey - I Crave

But the song that really shook me and continues to do so even when I here it now is Gloria Estefan's, Here We Are.

It is such a perfect indicator of how I felt in the days from when my ex told me he wanted a divorce until we actually signed papers. It was quite a fast process. It had to be like about nine days but each and every day was torture. And all I could think about was when he and I first met and the love affair that led to divorce; the romance that ended in goodbye. Mid-separation (he was living in New Mexico and I lived in Hawai'i), we rendezvous'd in San Francisco. I was working for a top-tier hotel so what could have been more romantic than meeting up with the only man that I loved. And the song sounds in my ears...

Here we are, face to face
We forget time and place
Hold me now. Don't let go.
Though it hurts and we both know
The time we spend together 's gonna fly
and everything you do to me is gonna feel so right
Baby when you're loving me, I feel like I could cry
Cuz there's nothing I can do to keep from loving you

After we parted ways in San Francisco -- I didn't see him again for another six months and when we were united, we were working on saying goodbye FOR GOOD. I remember when he first told me that he was DONE with the marriage. My first thoughts were that I was such a fool for loving him so hard. But I was grateful that there was absolution. I no longer wondered if he'd ever leave me again because divorce meant that he was leaving FOR GOOD. It was his birthday, you know, when he told me he wanted a divorce. Looking back -- in all ways, it was GOOD for both him and I. We were meant for a reason and a season; nothing more, nothing less. 

I had such an unrealistic view of what marriage was/is at the time. My view was marred with thoughts of romantic grandeur when people who are married for a long period of time know that there is nothing romantic about marriage except the wedding. But it gets better. I know it gets better. (Current husband and I make 9years coming up in November). Staying in a relationship where two people are committed and free of abuse almost guarantees that it will get better; that love will flourish and that the connection will be so deep that nothing can tear it apart. That was so not the case with marriage #1 and only time will tell what will happen with marriage #2.

Here we are all alone
Trembling hearts beating strong
Reachin out. Breathless kiss.
Never thought could feel like this.
I want to stop the time from passing by
Wanna close my eyes and feel your lips touching mine.
Baby when you're close to me
I want you more each time
And there's nothing I can do to keep from loving you
The moment immediately after signing the documents, I dropped the pen and looked him dead in his eyes. The tears welled up and it took everything in me not to gush. 
There's nothing I can do
I'm helpless in your arms
Baby what you do 
I'm in love
This is it
There's no turning back this time.
No no no

...There was no turning back. The papers had been signed. And my heart felt a great burden but also a great sigh of relief.

I often wonder what it would be like if we ever saw each other again in the now. I don't know what the feelings would be. Sometimes it seems like such a long time ago. I've grown and/or outgrown the old me and the situations of yesterday.

Here we are again once again
But this time we're only friends 

**sigh** A few months after we signed the divorce papers he called out-of-the-blue. My heart was aching from being without him, from running into another relationship to try and fill the void, and all I wanted to do is go back to what it was. He was all I knew for so long. But I knew that we would never again be more than friends. There are some belief systems that believe that a soulmate is a person that comes into your life to change it. He/she serves his or her purpose then MOVES ON. He changed my life.

Funny world sometimes lies
Becomes the game when love's the prize
And no no one knows whats going on inside
And all the love I feel for you
Is something I should hide
When I have you close to me
The feeling's so sublime
But there's nothing I can do to keep from loving you 

Life is a melding of all types of situations that either push us toward progression or toward living the same Groundhog's Day over and over. To help me maintain sanity, I sometimes meditate and go back (in my mind) to events that made me feel powerless and I change the event (in my mind) to take back my power. This heartache is nothing more than a forceful push toward taking my power back and I've done it.... been done it... but some days I feel like writing about it.

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