Monday, July 09, 2012

Random Whining

Today's DAILY OM headline is Returning to Creative Dreams: Return and Reclaim. I wish I could republish what it said but you can just follow the link to do that.

DAILY OM is a bright light in my inbox. Because I subscribe to it, I get a wonderful message in my email everyday. It is never skewed by dogmatic belief. Rather, it gives off a message of light and love and about honoring self. I miss that about my former life. The world revolved around me... in the life I led before returning to religion. I so want that back.

Where does it say that we have to be so scheduled and bogged down by life events, or children, or familial ties? We have all been created to find happiness. Does happiness mean that I have to take on other people's problems/children? All my life I fell like I've had to care for other people's children. Sometimes I'm grateful for it but most times I feel so distant from the desire to have my own children.

My grandmother and great grandmother lived with us off and on until their passing. Our home is a very modest (humble) three bedrooms and two baths. It's tiny! Add to that me, my older brother, and both my parents. We're up to six people. Add to that another six children... my cousins whose mom was having a tough time and CPS took them. My parents decided to take them all in. When five of them left, my parents decided to continue on in foster care. **sigh** And thus begun my life, caring for children and my grandparents. Though I'm grateful for all the knowledge I have acquired, I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to take care of me and my husband. I miss US... just US. **sigh**

I know this is a major "whine-fest" but sometimes I deserve it. Before, my outlet was alcohol. Since I have put down the drink, I no longer have a stress reliever and I think of it often. I don't think of cigarettes though.... thankfully. I used to love Heineken. I would crack open a bottle and be set. If we were drinking hard liquor, Tequila was it for me. Tequila + Orange Juice + a dab of grenadine... and we're best friends. Now -- good ole H2O is my fave.

Where am I going with this post? No where! I'm just.... letting go of the negative emotions inside... concentrating on the GOOD that's around me and ahead of me. Big things must definitely be on the horizon!

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