Thursday, September 01, 2005

I AM Peaceful!

After I received my final decree of divorce from my ex-husband, I went out and got a tatoo right above my right ankle. The actual tatoo and my beautiful leg is pictured to your right. It is kanji for tranquility. I didn't plan it when I went to the tatoo shop. In fact, the visit to the tatoo shop wasn't planned either. It was all spontaneous. BooBoo and I just woke up one morning... we were both off of work... and agreed that it was a good day to get a tatoo. It was just 9am. None of the tatoo shops in the area were open yet... so we sat and contemplated what tatoo we'd get.

My life had changed in a matter of months. I was searching to find ME again. After giving so much of myself to my ex-husband, I realized that I had lost everything that distinguished me from him. I had become him. I knew what he'd say and how he'd react to certain things and his choices became my own. I was no longer an individual and I struggled to "remember" who I used to be.

I couldn't be the woman I was before I met my ex. I just had to be me.
"Hi. My name is Coreen and I'm addicted to love. I'm addicted to being needed by someone. Anyone. I'm divorced. No children. Excellent career. I feel very displaced, like I have nowhere to go and at the same time, I'm EXCITED about the freedom that has just been given back to me."
That is probably EXACTLY how I came off and it was all true. I knew that much about me.

When I finally arrived at the tatoo shop, I still hadn't decided what I was going to get. In fact, BooBoo was nearly done with hers and I was still walking around the shop looking at graphics. BTW: BooBoo got "SHUGA" tatoo'd on her left breast. My tatoo had to be significant. It had to mean something. It had to be a public display of the sum total of my being.

I sat down, thought about everything I had been through in the last couple of years and where life had taken me. I looked to my left and there it was....
TRANQUILITY: noun 1) a disposition free from stress and emotion 2) a state of peace and quiet
I realized that even with all the hurt I had experienced and continued to experience, I was okay. Peaceful, even. Tranquil! It made perfect sense to have that constant reminder tatoo'd on my body and the rest, as they say, is history. Everytime I look at the tatoo, it reminds me to be at peace and count my blessings.

Today, I proudly exclaim:

I AM PEACEFUL!!!

4 comments:

Sista K said...

*mad applause* your self awareness continues to amaze me with its strength.

Chele said...

That was beautiful Neena. Simply beautiful.

Nina MM said...

Girl, you get it SAID! This part:

I realized that I had lost everything that distinguished me from him. I had become him. I knew what he'd say and how he'd react to certain things and his choices became my own. I was no longer an individual and I struggled to "remember" who I used to be.

I've been there. When I read it, it's as though my brain instantaneously plummeted into that time, and that place. And things got dark for a moment.

I'm glad you broke on through to the other side, as The Lizard King would say.

chase said...

go girl, so many wish for that peace as they languish in their hell, never realizing that all they have to do it stand up/walk out/say stop/leave.

good for you.