Thursday, August 25, 2005

How 'Bout Us

I started this the other day... a glimpse into my personal diary. I purge! I'm coughing up my ex-husband. As Chele put it... "imagine how clean the air will be when you get to the top of the mountain"... when I'm done talking about him.

Some people are made for each other
Some people can love one another for life
How 'bout us
Some people can hold it together
Last thru all kinda weather
Can't We?
(Performed by Champagne)

Monday 09 April 2001

Dear Pepa,

Aloha?! Well, I feel a little better. I just wrote a five page letter to my husband. Tomorrow makes seven years since we met. He has truly blessed my life. But I have come to realize that true love does not bind one. Set him free. I love him, what can I say? What do I do? In all the world, I can only love him and I will love him for the rest of my life. I promised to do so on January 4th, 1997 and I will love him only. I only wish that he felt the same for me.

My husband amazes me. How much I love him amazes me. God has truly blessed me by sending M into my world. How can we let something as simple as where we live get in the way of this true love.

Separate wayz, separate lives
Thought we'd give breaking up a try
It's clear to me
That I made a big mistake
I tried my best to fall for somebody new
I closed my eyes and there was you
Cause you're a tough act to follow
Memories of you, I just can't let go
(Performed by Starpoint)

I hate thinking of him loving someone else or letting someone else get close to him. Can you believe that? Seven years since we first met. Anyway, I don't like to think of him being with someone else or saying goodbye to me. But if his heart is in New Mexico then how can I ask him to stay with me? Cause no matter, he will never be happy. Where his heart is, therein lies his happiness. And if my love is true then I should only want him to be happy. So follow your heart wherever it will take you.

My baby has seen me through some of the hardest times in my life and I can only love him for that. I love him when he has nothing left to give me. When he's grouchy I love him dearly. When he's happy... that is when I am happiest. No one can love him the way I do. But what if someone can? What if someone else can make him happier? Then, I can only be happy for him and sad for the love I lost. I'm a survivor and I can make it. But the world is easier to travel knowing that someone got my back. Someone knows me inside and out, like a book. That person is M. I miss him already and he hasn't even left me yet.

If he is not happy here, I cannot ask him to stay. Maybe he will be happier in New Mexico. You know what I just thought of? My husband has a lawyer on retainer. If he wanted to divorce me, it would be so quick. I am so sad. I feel like we have a one-in-a-million love affair. I will never love another man this way.

I think about how this love affair started out. Somethin' else. I loved him then. I love him now. We were a good pair from the very beginning. Our endless talks, our secret rendezvous, our private love affair. Everything was so good. Our love is sooo worth preserving. Everything we have is worth every sacrifice even if it means putting our very relationship on the line... I am willing! If it means that we will find it.


Chele said...

I don't think it was pathetic at all. I think it was beautiful and heartwrenching.

Sista K said...

I though so as well. I made my heart ache. Its still a beautiful thing to be able to love this deep. Its reflective of the heart you have within you. The fact that the other individual didnt live up to the depth of this love doesnt take away from the purity of it one iota. God's love for us is like that...we dont deserve it but that makes the wonder of it all the more astounding AND valuable.