Saturday, August 27, 2005

Here We Are

This is a look back in my past VIA my personal diary. I've spoken of HIM often, my ex husband. This is who I am referring to in this post. I typed it directly from my diary. It was written a few months before we were seperated.

Here we are
Face to face
We forget time and place
Hold me now
Don't let go
Though it hurts and we both know
The time we spend together's gonna fly
And everything you do to me
Is gonna feel so right
Baby when you're loving me
I feel like I could cry
'Cause there's nothing I can do
To keep from loving you

(performed by Gloria Estefan)

Monday 02 April 2001

Dear Pepa, (the name of my diary)

The year is just flying by. My marriage is tick-tocking away. My husband has stopped caring about what we have. And I am sad. I take each day --> ONE AT A TIME. And I prepare myself for the end of our marriage. It is not something I want. Not at all. I don't want this love affair to end. I love him with everything I am. Being unappreciated takes its toll and yet with my husband, I can continue. I can take it if we're in Hawaii. Just give me a reason to do it. We don't love the way we used to. I lok at him and fall in love all over again. Every single time. And then, I feel like he doesn't love me back. I feel like I am a burden to him.

I sit at work and wonder what he's thinking. I think about him leaving. Think about him loving someone else. Think about how his promise to me means nothing. But then, that could go the same for him. He could be thinking the same thing of me --> that my promise to honor and respect him means nothing. I just don't know how he could just come home from New Mexico and wanna up and leave. Why am I not enough?

Before he left for New Mexico during this past holiday season... he told me that he was gonna take a leave of absence and help his mama for a few months. Well, he's decided that WE'RE moving to New Mexico. So here I am with a new job that I absolutely LOVE and can honestly see a future in it. One that will bring us financial security. And he wants me to leave it for "small town America". Just give me one reason to want to leave. Love is not enuff. It's so easy for him to leave me. And he tells me it's so easy for me to stay. Rightly so. I've built a life here, we've built a life together. Why is it so hard to see that?

The last time we made love, I cried. I was hurting inside. He was on top of me and all I could think about was that he was leaving me. All I thought about was that he loved me but not enough to stay with me. I could only think of how our love wasn't worth it. What is our love worth? Is it worth giving up my happiness? Is it worth giving up his happiness? I cannot ask of him that which I am not capable of. So we have agreed to separate. This is the first time I have admitted it. I don't wanna be without him but I cannot live in New Mexico.

He wants me to be something I'm not. He wants me to do what he did when we first came back here.... we left New Mexico and moved here. He left his home to come to my home. Now he wants to go back. But I am not him so how can he expect that of me? I don't wanna work for the State of New Mexico, like he's suggesting. That's off the subject. On the real --> if he doesn't wanna be with me, he will leave me. And as he prepares to leave me, I will prepare to be alone. My love for him does not end. I cannot envision loving another the way I love him.

I sit here and look at our pictures --> they always seem to capture us looking sooo happy. And he has made me happy. How he has treated me -- means the world to me. How he has ALWAYS been there for me... no one could fully know. And I will love him forever. I will still need him and forever long for him. Crave only him. And if he must leave me then do so!


ShellyP said...

What doesn't kill us serves to make us stronger.

Chele said...

I can really appreciate the struggle you are going thru. Just imagine how clean the air will be when you get to the top of the mountain. *smiles*

WIP said...

Honest and brave. You are a stronger woman in more ways than one.