Thursday, July 17, 2014

Fifty Shades... of Break Ups

I just completed the audiobook of Fifty Shades of Grey. I have to say that I didn't care too much for all the sex in the book and the BDSM actions. It was overkill. I did, however, enjoy the characters of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey. None of the trailers or movies shorts on YouTube even come close to how I imagined the two characters. Anyway, **spoiler alert** throughout the book I was supremely irritated by Ana's naivete and Christian's mysteriousness. By the end of the book, though, I was rooting for both of them and hurting at the same time. I was so broken up. Ana's fall for Christian was so genuine. It reminded me of how I fell head over heels in love with my ex-husband, which of course led to our eventual break-up. By the end of Fifty Shades of Grey I was shedding tears over these fictitious characters and remembering the difficulty of falling in and out of love and dealing with the hard stuff of learning to trust someone else.

As soon as I arrived home from work, I dug out my journals from the years when my ex-husband and I were separated. I started reading and began crying as I read. I remember the feeling of not being needed by the man who I had given my heart to, with complete and utter abandon. Without going into a long and detailed explanation of our twisted relationship, the short story is that we separated after four years of marriage. He left me.You can dig in my blog archives for stuff that I've written about our ill-fated romance.

DATE: 24 September 2002 (we had been separated more than a year)

I just wish my husband were here to make it all go away. But he's the other part of my emptiness. I still feel like I'm chasing him.

So what becomes of a faithful woman whose ONLY hunger is passionate, unconditional love? I tell him that I'll be here, waiting for him. But my life is just passing me by. When does it come back to me? I used to think that love could flourish with one person doing all the loving but it can't. To do that would be AGAINST the laws of nature. I need him to love me back the way I NEED to be loved and not the way he knows how. 

This year has been quite a struggle. I cry 2-3 times a week over this crazy love. And it doesn't affect him. Nothing I desire sways him EVER in my direction. Shane(fake name) wants what he wants when he wants it. I can't change that. I can't change him. I don't know if I mourn this strange love affair or... if I'm letting him go. I'm uncomfortable with both options. 

I just want to feel special. He doesn't make me feel special like it was when we first met. But even then, Shane had his walls up. I love him so much. I miss him like crazy. But I want it all. Don't I deserve it all?

Break-ups are so hard. Going through my journal brings up all kinds of feelings. I have so much compassion on the person I used to be and who I am today is because I was that woman that suffered from unrequited love.

DATE: 2 October 2002

My husband and I need to have a talk. I feel less than appreciated. I think he has stopped loving me. I'm a different woman than the one he left one year, one month, nine days, and three hours ago. I don't want half-a-commitment. I don't want to have to worry about him EVER leaving me...again. I don't want another birthday to pass unnoticed. I don't want to spend another Christmas apart. I don't EVER want to be alone on our wedding anniversary again. EVER!

What am I gonna do? There is an answer SOMEWHERE!!! Every time he needs a break from me, is he going to leave me? Is EVERYTHING ALWAYS my fault? I don't think he knows how much love I have for him. If he did, would he STILL treat me this way? And why do I have all this love for him when he gives me no reason. How do I know he loves me back?

Why do I continue to hold on when there is nothing in return?

He's supposed to be my best friend and some of these crucial feelings I'm afraid to share with him. Actually most of them. I try really hard to NOT feel sorry for myself and I do a pretty good job. But I'm tired of nagging myself to demand the love I need and deserve.

So many times throughout the day I see something that INSTANTLY reminds me of my husband. Could be the way someone smokes a cigarette. Could be a bald head. Or the way someone walks... and I think about him. 


evotia said...

I enjoyed the characters of this series too. Do you think you will read the rest of the series? Such powerful emotions, falling in love and rejection. You're diary entries made me sad and touched a nerve from long ago. What a time that was. And looking back now vs. looking forward then.

Reema said...

Reading about your pain from so long ago hurts my heart too. I remember watching you from afar and hurting for you ... I saw something at work today ... God doesn't always give you what you want -- it's not because you don't deserve it -- it's because you deserve better!

Wasn't that the truth -- for both of us!!!