Friday, March 27, 2009

Severing The Ties That Bound Us

Background Info: The next "piece" was written to my ex. After we signed the divorce papers, he called me outta the blue. He apologized for everything he had put me through and was basically asking for forgiveness or something! We began talking nearly every day even though he had left Hawai'i and the divorce decree was on its way. I was so vulnerable and would have probably accepted him back if I didn't have a strong support system, telling me what was really going on.

Written... the letter was six pages long. I cried while I wrote the entire thing. The letter was dropped in the mail by a dear friend of mine (in Hawai'i) the minute my feet landed in St. Louis, Missouri. I left Hawai'i for St. Louis in November 2003 to start a new life. Consequently, I married my husband now during my time in "the Lou"! Writing this letter and severing my ties with my ex was a very difficult thing to do. I'm glad I did it though and still came out... classier than ever!

If you need more background info:
Heart Broken
Crippled Cells

His actual name has been changed.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Our life together began on April 10th, 1994. I loved you from that day whether you believe me or not. Every event that has followed that day happened just as it should. Shane, you have been so much a part of my world that I don’t think I’ve known anything else. To be honest, you will always be special to me. I have learned so much from you. I truly believe that God works through people. And he sent you to me when I needed you…

I used to believe that there was just one man for me in the whole world. But that couldn’t be true. I thought that there was such a thing as soul mates. Since our divorce, my mind has since changed. The only way any relationship can work is if there are two willing parties.

You have seen me through some really hard times in my life. I am a better person for having shared a piece of my life with you. I hope you always remember that about me. I was always grateful for your love so honored that you once wanted to spend forever with me. But a lot has happened since we first started out.

Shane, all I ever wanted to do was love you and give you the best of me. After awhile I felt like I was more of a burden to you rather than a partner in a marriage. When you stopped coming to me with things that bugged you is when we forgot to love each other.

I just look back at how our lives have panned out and I ask so many questions. How could I have prevented our marriage from ending? A marriage cannot work if both parties aren’t willing. I don’t even know where I went wrong. I don’t know what more I could have done to show you how much I love you. I always felt like you got the best of me.

I remember writing in my journal about how I met this man named Shane. How he stimulates my mind and my passions. How his mind and just his way of being makes me feel like I’ve known him forever. All of that blossomed into love. A deeper love than I have ever known.

Next thing you know, we’re making plans to be together and that I’d make the move to New Mexico. I just wanted a piece of you and wanted to be a part of your life. We split after my short stint in Clovis. I didn’t want to let you go then but you don’t believe in long distance love.

I remember writing you daily and just loving you. Eventually you believed me when I said I love you and that I was only trying to do right. Then we got married January 4th, 1997.

Shane, I was so in love with you. When you look back on us, I hope you remember all the love I had for you. Both you and I know that our lives must move forward. When we separated in August 2001, I was determined to keep our love alive. Once again, time and distance separated us. Being faithful to you was never an issue. What was always looming in my head is that you didn’t love me. And if you did, how did you show me?

What am I trying to say with this long letter? Well, I’m saying that you were a beautiful part of me. I just am not ready to go down that road again. I crumbled for a little bit when you said you wanted a divorce but I can’t keep a man that don’t wanna be kept. Why fight?

After being apart for 18 months, did you expect to be in love? I had to work at being “in love” with you but you never came back to me. I don’t know what more I can say in this letter or on this page. Our relationship was solid for a bit. When it changed or why it changed, we’ll never know.

By the time you receive this letter, I’ve probably started my life all over again. It’s like I’ve told you before, I cannot see past the hurt. Shane, I never, ever wanted to see you hurting. And I know you’ve told me that you never wanted to hurt me. But the fact still remains that you asked for the divorce. There’s nothing wrong with that. You did exactly what you felt you had to do. I could never be mad about that.

Our relationship ended when our marriage did. Everything happens for a reason. Our being together was intended. You know I always believed that! Our love has no beginning, as it will never end – it’s always been there and will probably always be there. We’ve both made our mistakes – it’s the way of the world…. But I say we move ahead, move forward, one day at a time. Live life with no regrets.

When you look back at us, be glad that it happened. Know that you got the best love I had in me. I loved you with complete abandon and trusted that my heart was safe in your hands. And I thank you for allowing me to love you for the short time that we had.

When you and I started talking again after you left Hawaii this year, I was so confused. My whole way of thinking was geared toward FINALLY taking care of my heart… and so when you called, I was more than tripped out. I mean, you ask for a divorce then you wanna be in love with me again? I STILL don’t get that at all.

So anyway, these past couple of months, I been sitting back and tryin’ to let you do your thing. I really wanted to see how you would approach me. Honestly, nothing changed. I never received pretty flowers at work from you. No letters in the mail. No sweet Hallmark cards except on my birthday. And that really got to me. They say it’s the little things that make a difference. Never mind that I can overlook missed holidays and anniversaries…. It’s the small, minor details that reminded me that you cared.

Shane, you are a rare treasure. I never stopped seeing that in you. I know that love will find you again and maybe you’ll be able to give all of you. You are so very beautiful to me and I see you as I have always seen you – a man that I could love for lifetimes on end. Maybe one day we’ll run into each other again - and the magic could happen again. The next time might be the right time.

Please know that I loved you through every single storm. And know that I loved you even when you had nothing left to give me. When you think of me – remember the good stuff…. How we met and the endless conversations we’ve had; midnight wrestling matches; making love, walks on the beach; and all the other stuff we did on the beach… and so much more.

When you’re ready to love again, may she give you as much love and affection that I gave you. I hope she can care for your heart the way you need her to. *sigh* Have a good life, Shane. And maybe next time will be the right time. I will love you all the days of my life.

Live life with no regrets, babe. I will be around and maybe one day show up at your doorstep. Nah, just kidding. On the real though, when you need me, I’ll feel you and seek you out as I’m sure you’ll do the same for me. We have that strange connection that comes when two people REALLY know each other!

You’ve done nothing wrong, babe. Of course you can’t reverse your actions but everything happens for a reason. I hope one day we can see each other… without feeling any heartache from our divorce. May your journey through this life be peaceful and prosperous. I will see you in every ray of sunshine and I could know your beautiful face if God struck me blind. Smile, babe – our love happened and who’s to say it won’t BE ever again. I love you Shane and I always will.

1 comment:

"Love or Perish" - W. H. Auden said...

I have one word for you sis, RAW! I am completely taken away by your brutal honesty over your heartbreak. Mine continues to break even now as I am typing away, because the light at the end of the tunnel never seems to stay bright (or long enough for that matter). I feel like to give up and call it quits is showing weakness, but it seems like giving in and lowering my expectations, is breaking me down bit by bit. Ahhh, oh I wish you were still in Hauula so we could console a cup of.........cocoa over this, but I have to sweep my emotions under the rug and tend to the chirren.
Letting him dictate my happiness