Friday, July 31, 2009

All Mental!

I just haven't been at my best these past couple of days. I wonder sometimes if I am one of "those people" they talk about on the CYMBALTA commercials... the ones that stop being interested in life. I sometimes think that most of my creative works, whether it be a beautiful photograph or a truly moving literary piece or whatever creative work I accomplish, is done when I'm way down in the dumps. Even when I do a special musical number, I find that it's when I'm saddest, when I'm furthest from hope and love, is when I truly sing with full emotion. It's like I have to feel this overwhelming sadness to pull from the depths of my soul an expression of extreme creativity.

I've been having a crappy week. Most times I pretend that everything is okay and I mask the sadness, the unhappy feelings, and all the pain behind a smile. I know I'll make it through the rut that I'm in but for right now, I'm sad. Maybe it's the phases of the moon or the position of my womanly cycle that has me so down and out. I really don't know. What I do know is that today was better than yesterday and tomorrow will definitely be better than today.

This move that we're making from a paradisiacal mecca to Alabama, U.S.A. is stressing me out! I'm frazzled! I wonder if other people experience this much trauma in making a move. I never used to be like this. What's wrong with me? I know it's the right thing to do but I want it to be on my terms. **heavy sigh**

Husband is not really helping me through the grieving process of letting go of my island home. So many of the things he says I interpret to be hurtful and downright mean. That makes me even more upset because he intentionally says things to hurt me. That is a line I don't cross when he and I are arguing. It's unbearable! I just get so tired of it. Everytime we argue, the first words out of his mouth is, "I'm divorcing you." I don't know if any of you have experienced the whole divorce thing but I'd rank it pretty high up there in degree of pain. And it flows so freely from his lips.

I'm at my wits end. I'm just tired. I'm tired of the arguing and the fighting. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not appreciated by the man who purports to love me through eternity. I'm stressed and just thoroughly uninterested in what tomorrow brings. That is sooo not me in my regular life. Today is not my regular life.

I can totally understand why a person turns to drugs to deal with pain. It's easier to just "check out" on life and allow the drugs to lead you, rather than have to do the day to day. I think about a joint so often that I'm afraid if someone waved it in my face, I'd snatch it up in a heartbeat. But I've committed to myself to take care of my body temple and nurture it, rather than abuse it.

Tomorrow is another day and it will arrive whether I want it to or not. The same problems and pains that are here today will be there tomorrow. I only hope that I can find HOPE when I rise in the morning. It's all mental or am I mental?


evotia said...

3 things ..
1) moving is ranked up there with weddings and death when it comes to stress level (seriously)
2) your low feelings may be due to lack of seratonin. the happy hormone. it is quite common in females. without it, we stay edgy! u can get it from ur doc...or even bananas (except not as potent as the docs version :)
3) i hate to hear the word "divorce" used so casually. my hubby has never used it .. but OOH does he know how to make my blood boil. WORDS can be so wicked!

i wish for you to have better days...starting tomorrow!

"Love or Perish" - W. H. Auden said...

awww i so feel you, except i am usually the one who throws the "D" word out there...maybe i need some seratonin too?? anyway, i hope this move will bring you closer together and not further apart...i have days like this all the time, and it doesnt help that my emotions fall on my kids. like evo, i hope better days for you, for me, for all of's what we deserve! xoxo

The Songer said...

Im so with you on the drugs and "checking out" statement!

and I too hate the D word! It has been said way too many times throughout my marriage!

Hope your following days were better!

azha said...

Coreen so much I can say to you because I have empathy for all that you have so bravely shared! Its truly a rollercoaster ride and I for many years have not recieved an answer for the many questions and doubts I have. Sure I am reminded and remember that the gospel is my goundation which lifts me up and shows a brighter tomorrow, however there is still a part of me that returns to the same questions and confusion that weigh heavily on my heart, might,body and soul! Maybe Im doing something wrong, maybe there Im not as in tune as I think, maybe I am following a path that I think is mine but really isnt???? So many questions and no answers! I will continue to pray and have faith that you will find your path and know that once it is found you will be filled with an immense amount of joy!I continue to pray for myself and I believe that my questions will be answered when I have found my path! Lets get together!