Monday, September 11, 2006
I Live to Make Her Proud of Me
In such a public forum as this blog, I OFTEN over-expose (is that a word?) myself. However, I feel a WONDERFUL unburdening as I purge through writing. Bare with me.
I have experienced a myriad of emotions in the past couple of weeks and I'd like to share some of that. My mother had her first stroke in December 1995. She had her fourth and fifth stroke on August 26th, 2006. My mother and I have never really clicked. We are so alike in how we approach things that we OFTEN butt heads. Adding to the stress of an ailing mother-daughter relationship is how much resentment I've held onto over the years. I release that resentment RIGHT NOW! I no longer wish to punish her or myself OVER and OVER for past misunderstandings.
I wasn't prepared for what I seen in my mothers hospital bed the day after her stroke, Sunday. The woman I saw there was NOT my mother. I knew my mother to be strong and completely resilient through lifes trials. The woman laying in that hospital bed had TRULY given up. As our family gathered, I was the ONLY one losing it. I couldn't keep it together. The tears just kept falling as I pondered a life without my mother. I know there will come a time when I will have to let her go but I am not prepared for her to go anytime soon.
My mother told me to jot down her wishes for her funeral. She wanted to assign the speakers and who would give her eulogy and what kind of flowers she wanted and what songs she wanted sung. The flood of tears came rushing and I was completely unable to stop it. She drifted in and out of consciousness so my family sat in the lobby as my father attended her.
Without giving an entire "blow-by-blow" of my mothers sickness, she MADE IT OUT. She was able to come home on Labor Day. She suffers with slight paralysis on her left side but she's confident that she'll learn to use it again. That's the woman I know!
Through all of this, I am determined NOW more than ever to cherish my mother. I am motivated to write her life story and get to know the woman OUTSIDE of her just being my mother. I want to speak her language fluently. I want to know my culture more deeply. I want to be the woman she would have me be. I live to make her proud of me.