Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Ordinary, He and Me

Something's going on.

Something inside my mind.

There seems to be an explosion in my mind...
A craving for music like how it was when I was a teenager.
It's like I have a song in my gut that wants to be sung.

It's like I have so much pent-up emotions inside me the way it was when I cried to silly love songs as a teenager or longed for romance when I heard Tony Terry's, "With You".

The divorce from my ex in 2003 contributed to me being so cold.
Retreating into my cave
And now...
Now I feel like I'm getting back to me; to taking care of my heart by opening it.

Funny how things work out. Husband and I will celebrate 9 years this year. 9 whole years of marriage. That boggles my mind. I've been with my husband longer than I was with my ex and yet I feel like I've been so cut off from my emotions. I have been wanting to open my heart again and I think I am finally moving into that phase where everything looks just a little bit brighter; where Luther's "Here and Now" has new meaning.

I'm crawling from beneath the rubble of what WAS and I've finally caught up to the me and he of today. **sigh** I'm sad that maybe I wasted a lot of time NOT FEELING or just feeling the bad stuff. But I'm ready now. My heart is healed. I'm ready to remember what "Tender Love" feels like; what it feels like to give it and not just go through the motions.

I feel like I haven't given my husband every inch of my heart. There's space I've left reserved just in case he ended up hurting me. It's like I've been afraid to experience love again, to give away my heart with wild abandon. And. I'm not sure it's even about not getting hurt now. I know I'll be okay because I am fully capable of doing hard things. I'm just ready to give my ENTIRE heart to him, for the benefit of my heart; so that I can feel the feel-good endorphins!

I'm ready now.

And the thing is. He probably doesn't even know that I haven't given him the whole of my heart because what I have given him has been good just not EVERYTHING.

My heart is wide open to my love. His love. Our love. We met face-to-face 8 years 362 days ago. And everyday, it gets better. We go through the fights and arguments and in the end we battle only to remind ourselves how much we love each other. In the end, we're just ordinary people.

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