Thursday, August 28, 2008

What a Difference!

My life is so different from what it used to be just five years ago.

Five years ago I worked for a large hotel chain in their time share area. It was a party every day at work. I had starbucks in the morning, at the bar for lunch and right after work I'd head home for a ice cold beer (depending on what day it was). I smoked 1 to 2 packs of cigarettes a day. Misty Menthol Lights. (Yuck... now that I've kicked my tobacco habit!)

Five years ago my ex-husband was in the process of becoming my ex after two years of separation. In those two years, I never once stepped out on him. I had to be a nun, the way I barely even looked at other men. Notice I said "barely".

The state of my relationship catapulted me into the world of functional alcoholics. I don't recall the alcohol ever soothing the pain, rather it put me in a state of happiness that erased the memory of hurt. I guess thats the same thing. **LOL** But anyway, I drank to laugh. I drank to cry. I drank to escape my life. And yet, viewing my life from the outside, my life was not so bad. I had a successful career, great parents and siblings; it was just my marriage -- it was falling apart.

Before the ex and I separated, his drug of choice was weed. Whatever demons he had, he tamed them with weed. I don't blame him. I remember smoking with him and feeling like nothing could touch us. When we made love, after a pipe bowl of the best pakalolo on the island, no one could pull us down from the lofty heights of pleasure.

Ahh yes, my life has changed from its days of functional alcoholism and weed induced stupors. I am free of those addictions for now. I have to say though that my life at that time was a series of contrasts. Unbelievable highs and dreary lows! There was no middle ground. I was either/or. No room for "in-between".

Sometimes I miss the partying til the break of dawn. I miss being on the scene, checkin' out the fella's and talkin' about the chicken heads. At the same time, I'm not tryin' to be the oldest female in the club. LOL... I think I've evolved past that. Today, here and now, I am different than I was 5 years ago. Better? Maybe.


A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

I stopped smoking weed after my last break up. It wasn't a divorce, hell I'm not even sure we were in love but when I realized that it was taking me at least two stiff drinks and allot of weed to endure our relationship I realized that we should probably not be together.

I was just too stoned and drunk to have the energy...until I stopped.

I still have some cocktails but I've never been back to how I was with him...about five years ago.

Anonymous said...'s a beautiful thing. Luckily you have made progress. I can say I was at a better point five years ago than I am now. I was happily employed, just ending a relationship but only because the guy had some issues I couldn't help him overcome, I was thinner and losing weight, I had my son and my daughter had just went to NY, and I was doing well in school. *sigh* I'll save where I am now to a blog. Guess I better get on the ball of getting back to where I use to be, huh? *wink* Thanks for sharing.