TBT: 1994 July 13th, 14th & 15th

Wednesday
July 13th, 1994

RAPE! Wouldn't you call it that? Someone continues to touch you... your body... your sexuality... your womanhood... He goes and goes, even to the point of penetration. Tiny R.NewNew. Better known as... Pacman. He's strong. I know I didn't ask for it and I didn't think it was funny. I just wanna sleep it away. Dream it away. Whatever it takes. Maybe he thought I wanted it. He just kept going. Without hesitation. He had no thoughts that maybe, just maybe I didn't wanna BE with him, even though I kept saying no, no, no. I kept saying Get off. At first I thought it was funny when he was flirting. I didn't think he'd do it!

For a moment
Beauty is lost,
The beholder takes what
         He shouldn't.
No thought of consequence,
Just pleasure.
A thief, a robber,
A conqueror, a destroyer.
Ravaging through Bountiful
Turning it to Babylon.
Guilt, shame
Feelings...
Not his.
Mine to deal with.
Mine to be rid of.

He took what he wanted. I didn't provoke him and if I did, "No still means No." He has ruined a beautiful relationship that I have with Shane. I feel like Shane cares about me. I feel his respect for the woman that I am and the woman I someday will be.

I can't believe that Pac did it. I thought he had more sense. He thinks I'm stupid or something. Probably thought I wouldn't open my mouth. Had no respect for me, for Shane, or even for himself. I don't wanna press charges because it'll ruin his life. But dang, he violated me. When it happened this morning... I really didn't get it. But now it's hitting me. Real hard.

Forget the problems because the day itself is beautiful. Not a cloud in sight. Nothin' but blue skies!!

* * * * * * * * * *

Thursday
July 14th, 1994

Hey! I've taken the first step toward pressing charges against Mr. NewNew. I talked to his First Sergeant.  I even called 9-1-1. All I gotta do is file a report. He forced himself on me and that just ain't right. The only family member I've told is Cliff. He says to tell my mom and dad. Shane said that I should tell them also. I'm just afraid of what they'll think. Will they still love me?

I don't know why I'm thinking of his feelings when he didn't think of mine. He took from me my trust in men, in male friends, and the joy of making love. He just couldn't take no for an answer. He couldn't see that I didn't want the same thing that he did. I told him to get off. Everything was happening so fast. It all started when he started tickling me. I got up and moved. I sat at the edge of the bed. He kept telling me, "Are you ready? Are you ready?" I was thinking that I should just try to be calm and play it off. "Pac, can't you wait?" Obviously, his response was 'No'. I knew what would happen next and I knew he wouldn't take no for an answer. He kept pulling up my dress. He hopped on top of me and just did what he pleased. He thought it was so funny. I laughed just to hide the pain behind a smile.

* * * * * * * * * *

Friday
July 15th, 1994

For now, everything is done. I made a report --> tape recorded. Shane did one too. We had to go downtown for it, at the Criminal Investigation Division. We met with Detective Larry Tamashiro. After that, he sent me to Kapiolani Women & Children's Center where I was examined by a doctor - a female. She was accompanied by a nurse named Lisa. Oh they were so sweet. Then there's Shane. Just where would I be without his support? Where would I be without his understanding? He pushes me to do the right thing. What am I gonna do when he leaves in November? Rape -- the subject is getting tired.

I just been crying all day. More than any other day since. I feel like I provoked it. Like I encouraged it or something... this stupid RAPE. What is even crazier is that I feel like Shane shouldn't care for me because of everything that's happening.

This morning my brother and I was in mom and dad's room. Mom told him what happened. He just cried and hugged me and expressed his love for me. All I could do was cry. I don't know what to feel anymore. I just feel stupid. I feel yucky. I feel dirty. But you know what? I am strong! I am gonna get through this. Whether alone or not. Whether I win or lose. At least I tried. Face this fear of failure and I'm gonna get through. The hard thing about the whole thing is facing my family, my friends, and Shane. This feeling of dirtiness, of insecurity is what's killing me. Insecure that I'm gonna lose someone's love or caring. But you know what --> that's enough already. Enough talking about it. But I'm kinda wondering if I should press charges or not. At least I reported this incident. It wasn't severe as other cases I've read about but no still means no. Rape is unconcented sex.

For All Your Evil Doings

Often times we expose ourselves on a blog in a way that we probably wouldn't in REAL time. We claim that it's the anonymity of the internet but it can't be that anonymous with my pics strewned across the page. LOL... So exposing myself is more about sharing my experiences so that maybe the next person to read it can learn from it. And well, I just might be an exhibitionist and enjoy exposing myself. LMAOOOO....

On a serious note, I am a rape victim.

The experience has NOT defined me. It hasn't crippled me. I haven't allowed it to stop me from developing productive relationships with men. And the experience had the potential to do just that.

When it happened, I was embarrassed to tell my parents about it as though it was in some way my fault. (I learned that this is a natural reaction.) My mother reacted in such a way that has forever changed the dynamics of our relationship. In my tears, as I'm sobbing, she said to me, "This is God's way of punishing you for all your evil doings." Did I deserve that? I was devastated by that. The one place in the world that should have been peaceful, that should have been a haven of sorts, my childhood home, had turned into a terrible nightmare. Not only had I been raped but the woman who I thought would be able to see me through turned her back on me. It still hurts today.

After that evening of truth, my mother and I have never quite seen eye to eye. I know I haven't completely forgiven her for even implying that God would send someone to do that to me as a form of punishment. She changed the relationship I had with God. We argued about it endlessly and she stood firm on her belief. Oddly enough, she suffered a stroke a couple years later and does not recall any of it. Her memory was wiped clean.

I went through a really tough time dealing with all the anger inside of me. I didn't have my family to support me through this and I was doubly determined to do this alone because of the things my mother said. That's not quite what was in store for me. I am convinced that God works through people and HE sends us exactly what we need.

My first step up from the despair I found myself in was contacting a counselor. Her name was Sue Lowery. I can still picture her right now. I will never forget her. She helped me to crack open the shell that was beginning to form around me. I am grateful! I couldn't say the word rape before I went through therapy. The word rape automatically represented VICTIM in my mind. And I didn't like being seen as a victim. She helped me to overcome the post traumatic stress disorder that was setting in. She nipped it in the butt before it even had time to settle. And I owe much of my stability now to Dr. Sue Lowery for bringing me out of the darkness. Wherever she is... THANK YOU!

Looking Back... 10 Years Ago

This is an excerpt from my diary.

A Brief Summary of what was goin' on in my life....
I was living in New Mexico prior to this entry being written. I returned to Hawaii to testify in a sexual assault case.... my own.

I got dumped by Shane**... the same Shane** that turned out to be my first husband. So when I returned to Hawaii... I stayed. I couldn't go back to New Mexico because I was living with Shane**. Basically I had nowhere to go back to.

So there I was... a rape survivor... my life in complete turmoil because of the sexual assault. I remember at that time, I couldn't even admit to having been raped. For some reason, I equated it to being weak. I'll blog about the rape later... well... not about what happened but about where I've been.... emotionally.

Without further delay.... here is my diary entry.... 10 years ago.

Sunday, April 23rd, 1995
Dear Pepa, (i named my journal Pepa)
Lastnight, I went cruising with Bernadine and Mae. It was a whole lotta fun. We ran into Luandrias... she has changed her name to Cyrene Autumn. It was so nice to cruise with them but I still wanna go back to New Mexico.

My feelings are still very mixed up. Okay, this is the plan... if I can get on the job in New Mexico and get accepted for school then I'll be straight. And if not, then I'll probably just turn around and come home or go to L.A. or Frisco. I just need my space and I need my man. I want it all. I just don't want Shane** to brush me off. I wish he could love me as much as I for him. I'm so lonely for him. I'm sad... I wanna be with him for a long time to come. At the NCO Club on Friday, I didn't talk to no one... jus' chilled. Everywhere I turned and seen a atall, bald, Black man dressed somewhat like John** --> I'd go crazy and yearn to feel him near. I really miss him but I don't think he'll ever understand.

Oh gosh, it hurts so much. Why did I let him get that close? He says to wait 'til August... when he gets back from Saudi Arabia. I gotta know. I'm trying so hard to understand him. He says COMMITMENT is what is scaring him away and it's not me. How can that be? He thinks that I'm pressing him to marry me. Sure... it would be so nice to spend the rest of my life with him but only if he feels the same. He just flipped my world upside down again. But I'm prepared to wait for as long as I see fit.

He says there's nothing wrong with me... I'm PERFECT!... but I wanna know why he can't trust me or why it gotta end. I told him that if he never puts his heart on the line he'll never know how fulfilling it can be. I give up already. I always get close and then get jacked in the end. It doesn't take much to make me happy. It hurts so much. He makes it seem so easy to throw it all away and I told him that. He said it ain't even like that. Then, what's it like? He seems immuned to it all. It's tearing me up inside. Maybe he's right about me tryin' to get him to marry me but I still, feel too young. But I can see him and I, but it's all up to him.

I always end up with the bad end of the deal! Every man that has ever come into my life has hurt me, either by not reciprocating the feelings or just bein' a DOGGY DOGG. When is someone ever gonna love me for what I am? When are they gonna see that I'm a good woman? Physically, I can feel my heart breaking and my stomach is hurting. Love me today. I just feel sick. I wish I could just disappear.

I'm losing the ONLY person who has been there for me since the RAPE. And I'm gonna miss it.

******************

I read that today and just had to laugh. Shane** had me whooped for a good long time. My life has changed... but I only realize it when I go back to my old journals. I'm actually grateful for having these journals to look at and read and see where I've been. When I broke up with Shane**, I was soooo tempted to burn ALL OF THEM. BooBoo convinced me otherwise.

But probably, more important is the growth I've experienced within the past 10 years.



**Name changed to protect the past

TBT: 1994 July 18th

TBT= Throw Back Thursday = This is a look into my written diaries from nearly two decades ago. Most of it is straight from my diary. I may have omitted a thing or two, changed a name or two, corrected grammar, added a hyperlink here and there (for context, of course) etc. etc. The general theme of who I was all those years ago are IN TACT.

* * * * * * * * * *

Monday
July 18th, 1994

Just chillin'... doin' nothin'. Trying to make this journal readable. Or at least exciting. Well, I was just talkin' to Shane about me missin' my doctors appointment this morning. I guess I was just too lazy to go. Upset about what was told to me last time and afraid of what it would show this time. You know? Well, Shane was kinda disappointed and inside I felt bad. This man cared about what's happening to me. I'm frustrated with myself for not even making and effort to go. But anyway... I'm fixin' to go to San Francisco tomorrow. Gotta get outta Hawaii. Ya know?! Get away from Thomas. Shane drives me crazy. Now I know I'm feeling too much. I can't believe I actually consented to seeing someone who already has a "FRIEND". I think I'm crazy for actually doing that. There's just too many feelings. Too much emotions to deal with. I think about him all the time. I mean, he's seeing that other girl and it's driving me nutzo. I just don't know how to tell him... I don't wanna lose him because he does want his freedom. I don't wanna tell him how I feel and get rejected. Especially now in my life, I really don't need rejection. You know, we started with an agreement that we'd be free from those unnecessary bonds. I mean we'd be free to see who we wanted to. I mean there'd be no problems. But now it's so different. I fell different! But if committment and love come into the picture right now, I think I'd put a strain on it. A strain on our friendship. There's already enough pressures on it anyway. In the very beginning, the both of us wanted to get away from the committment thing. The both of us had Fatal Attractions stalking us. I had Thomas. He had that girl he's still seeing. Things just ain't right. I wish sometimes that I never got involved in an awkward relationship such as this one. Like I said, too much feelings!

* * * * * * * * * *

 

A pic of my diary where today's blog post was lifted from. The poems in this post are actually in my diary.

END NOTE: A dear friend of mine wrote the poem, A Fathers Love and Knowledge. I wrote the other one in response to the emotions that arise from rape. I viewed myself as fairly innocent prior to being raped. Even though I had been sexually active and drank and cursed like a sailor, I never felt as dirty as I did in the days and weeks following the rape. I look back at all of this and try not to judge the little girl that I was. I cringe at some of the things that my-little-girl self thought was important back then. I can't believe the things that I put up with in the budding relationship between Shane and I. She was, I am, a work in progress.... always!

The Kite Runner

My commute to work is now 50 minutes, where before it was 5 minutes. Since I made the move in February to the central part of the island, my need for entertainment during my commute on the way to work has increased! I am relagated to static on the radio or my tiresome CD collection. It dawned on me yesterday that the Public Library has Audio Books to be borrowed! I took myself to the wonderful, Kahuku Public Library. They don't have a huge Audio Book selection but the ones that they do have are popular choices.

My first selection is The Kite Runner, by the same author of A Thousand Splendid Suns. The storyteller on the audio book is the actual author, Khaled Hosseini. It's a wonderful thing to hear the proper pronunciation of the ethnic words. The language rolls off his tongue so beautifully and I feel as if he's telling me HIS story.

**Disclaimer -- if you are currently reading The Kite Runner or have future plans of reading it, STOP reading this post NOW!

The story begins in the mid-60's, pre-communist, pre-Taliban era, in Afghanistan. Just how the author pronounces Afghanistan is so beautiful! It's like the 'g' is silent. Af-hawn-nee-stawn! The central character and the narrator of the story is Amir. I find myself saying "Amir jan" so often, trying hard to imitate the author. The story unfolds as Amir tells the story of Baba (pronounce baw-baw), his father, and Hassan the son of their servant, Ali.

There are so many similarities between Afghan culture and Polynesian culture. One of which is how you would call anyone older than you 'uncle' or 'aunty'; because we are all connected, we are all family! This is in extreme contrast to American/ British culture that always requires Mr. or Mrs. or Miss, Massah, indicating the difference in social station.

Baba and Hassan have a special relationship and Amir struggles to keep up with their growing affection for each other. Amir points out that Hassan is the son that Baba wished Amir could be - athletic, tough, able to stand on his own two feet against bullies, loyal! While Amir preferred books and poetry.

Amir recounts his life in Afghanistan before the intrusion of war in the 70's, how carefree it was. When he turned 18 though, the country had become so over run with Soviet presence they are forced to exit the country to Pakistan and eventually on to the United States.

I find myself feeling completely drawn into the political landscape of Afghanistan because of Khaled Hosseini's writing. My point of reference is my own homeland, stolen from beneath my ancestor's feet. Just as Amir and his Baba had to leave their beloved country, at times I feel like I must leave Hawai'i to preserve my peace of mind. It becomes taxing on my soul to see the continual injustices of the day yet running away from it doesn't bring peace of mind. There will always be a gnawing in my na'au, in my bowels, to want more for my people.

Amir exposes himself in so many shocking moments. It instantly makes me think of how our lives are just that, a series of shocking moments knit together. What we do with our opportunities, whether we live up to the expectations of our ancestors or cower in the face of struggle, determines who we are in each moment.

The story reads like a huge historic, political narrative and yet at the heart of it is Amir and his life. He is a witness to several atrocity's, probably more than the average person has to bear. Growing up without a mother, witnessing rape, murder, the passing of his father, and also dealing with his own insecurities that lead him to behave less than honorable. It's heartbreaking, downright cruel but joy always follows! By the end of Amir's story, he emerges from the darkness of his life by atoning for his past indiscretions. He returns to Afghanistan and rescues the son of Hassan who is left an orphan by the Taliban.

The story closes, not in a sugary-sweet, saccharine kind-of-way, but real and honest yet hopeful! We are all looking for redemption from who we think we are, who others define us to be, and who we genuinely are. Unraveling the layers that mold us into a certain way is our challenge. It is not impossible to change from what we are in the past to a better person in the present. That is what I strive to do -- to revamp who I am in every moment. Help me do this!

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**Photo Credit

Oprah meets the Kardashians?

Oprah is catching a lot of flack for her feature of the Kardashian family. I have no idea who they are except that Kim Kardashian is now a part of the cast of one of my favorite TV shows, Drop Dead Diva. I have never watched the show, Keeping up with the Kardashians because they all seem wildly dysfunctional. For me, there is no entertainment value in watching that type of show. I don't get why people enjoy their show.

I follow Oprah and OWNTV on Twitter as well as on Facebook and I was surprised when Oprah posted why she interviewed the Kardashian family.



The comment section was pretty brutal on this and it seemed to have accumulated so quickly. I was not a really big fan of the Oprah talk show because I just didn't get any entertainment value from some of the stories she featured. Rape, Incest, Molestation, and all those things just served to depress me so I rarely ever watched Oprah's talk show. I know she featured more than that but some of the topics were not my reality. I just could not connect. My mother and father loved the show though. **shrugs**

Anyway, back to the Kardashians. I find it funny that Oprah would want to interview them. Of course, they're just normal people that had a really good agent to promote their dysfunction (think The Osbournes on MTV) and acquire a TV deal for them, right? And if this is the case, isn't Oprah just helping to promote more of the same? I remember watching Oprah's Master Class, the one that features her. She explains how she made an abrupt change in the direction that she wanted to take her Television show. She remembers speaking to a skinhead and he called her a monkey because she was Black. In that moment she realized that she was promoting Neo-Nazi brand of hatred by providing a platform for them to spread their message.

What, may I ask, is she spreading by featuring the Kardashians? I just don't get it but I'm curious as hell.

Will you be tuning in to the Oprah meets Kardashians episode?

15 Things: 2017 is Almost Over

1. The Watched/Read It List
Name of the book I'm currently reading:
Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison - it's my favorite book and I've read it a dozen times. I just love the way she develops each character. It's like I know them. I'm scared of them. I would steer clear of them if I met them in the street. From Milkman to Hagar and everyone in between. My skin crawls at the dysfunction of each character.

Last Movie I Watched:
Thanksgiving Weekend we went to watch The Justice League. I only went to look at Jason Momoa's fine self. I fell asleep when he wasn't in the scene. The movie was quite boring to me. I am just not into the whole action, comic book thing. There's nothing about it that engages my brain, which is why I prefer to read instead of watch a cheesy teenage film but... seeing AquaMan was worth every penny. **giggles**


2. Gramma's Wisdom
Yesterday was my paternal grandmother's birthday (my popps mother). She would have been 98. She was a woman of very little words but when she spoke, there was no question what she wanted to say. Probably the thing I remember the most about my grandmother and her home is she was always ready to entertain guests. The house and the kitchen was ALWAYS spotless. Even when I would arrive with several friends in tow, she was always available to make food for us. I loved that about her home. And the wisdom in that is because of her hospitality, her home was NEVER empty. She was NEVER alone. I hope that as I age, I too will be able to welcome anyone into my home that is in need of a kind word or a hot meal and I pray that my home will NEVER be empty either.


3. My True Happiness
It is not a secret that this past year has been a rough one for me. The last time I went through such a life-changing event was probably when my mother passed in 2011. This last year has been spent attempting to find myself again. What I discovered is that my TRUE happiness is writing. I am most happy when I am digging into the emotion of my life and expressing it through the written word. Lately, I have been working on a poem and it is so emotional, so hopeful, so full of love. I forgot how beautiful life is when I can sit in silence and just write - let my thoughts flow uninhibited!


4. The Mistake I Never Want To Make
Going back to any of my exes? There is a reason and season for everything and the past should stay in the past. There is no doubt that there was genuine love between my first husband and I as well as my most recent ex and I. I would like to think that I had an impact on their lives and that they will think of me with fondness but even if they don't, I know the memories that I carry with me. I know love and I know how to love. I know the woman I am and I know my value even if THEY never ever acknowledge it.


5. Best GO-TO Recipe From a Friend
Ohhh... Tawnya's butter mochi!! She is the cutest, most bubbly, talented, funny lady and she can freaken bake her tail off. A close second is her pecan bars. :-) I don't have her permission to share the recipe so I am not posting it. I don't know if the butter mochi will still be my "go-to" recipe here in South Carolina but it's definitely a popular one in Hawai'i.


6. My Favorite Failure
I don't know what failure is my most favorite. I look at failures as part of a cycle so that even if I initially think that I failed at something, really it's part of the come-up. It's part of a bigger picture that leads to success. The failure eventually pushes me to becoming a better me. The biggest failure I see right now is my inability to save my marriage. Before I knew that I was losing at being his life partner and that my marriage was slipping away, the relationship was too far gone and HE was done with all of it. It was already too late for me to attempt fixing anything.

I take responsibility for the things I think I may have done wrong but ultimately he left and his only concern was himself. I hope the grass is greener on the other side and that he will live out his days in bliss. I have LET GO and made peace with the fact that he has moved on and so must I. It's a scary feeling to let go of something that I cherished for so long. I know how good of a woman I am and what I want most is a man that will take care of my heart and never take it for granted in the way that I feel that the last two did. Part of letting go also means that there's a gaping hole where the relationship used to be. And because I let go, I have made room in my heart, my mind, and in my life for something greater, something better than even I can imagine. #iStillBelieveInLove


7. The Most Unexpected Compliment I Ever Got
The other night my sis said to me, "You're good at everything. You are so talented...(or something along those lines)"

This is coming from a woman that was just promoted to Lieutenant Colonel in the United States Army. A General came to promote her in her pinning ceremony and had such wonderful things to say about her that he had me in tears. For her to tell me that I am good at everything was very unexpected. So often, I get caught up doing things out of necessity that I don't realize the skill it takes to do things. And others observe it and think, "Wow. She is so talented," but really I'm only learning or doing something out of the need for it and the need to save money on it. For instance, everybody knows I do florals. I love working with flowers. The beauty of flowers and the joy it brings to people when they look at something so beautiful makes me happy.


8. My Personal Syllabus for 2018
The things I will accomplish in 2018 - publishing my first book... writing as my main job. Yes, please!


9. Deep Dark Secret
I don't feel like I have any dark secrets. My life is so wide open and I don't mind sharing the things that have shaped me and made me who I am today. What surprises most people about me is when they find out that I am a rape survivor. How does that topic ever come up on its own? It's rare but when the topic does surface, I am happy to share my story.


10. What Younger ME Would Love About Present ME
...that I am so comfortable in my own skin. Turn the other way if you don't like what you see. As for me, I love every inch of me and am not afraid ANYMORE of what people have to say about it. 100% unapologetic!


11. That One Quote
"Abundance is scooped from abundance yet abundance remains"
I want for this to always be my core belief. The universe is full of abundance and I want to live in that space and not in "lack". There is infinite resources to give all of us everything we need. May my heart and my mind ALWAYS be open to the abundance of the universe.


12. The Hardest Thing To Forgive
Betrayal is probably the hardest thing to forgive. And it's not just in terms of a cheating mate or spouse. Betrayal by friends or family members is so damaging. If someone lets me down when I am counting on them, I sometimes retreat into complete bitterness. That has always been the most difficult thing for me to forgive... when someone lets me down.


13. The Best Surprise I Ever Had
The first memory that came to mind was with the boyfriend I had when I was 18. It was a Saturday. He and I had talked on the phone in the morning. This was before cell-phones so when he had called me from the payphone outside his barracks room, he told me what he planned to do for the rest of the day and I said I would be home doing laundry. I didn't have a ride to see him and he was car-less until his car arrived on the boat. He had just moved here from Colorado, military relocation, and was having the car shipped over.

The normal attire for being at home and doing laundry is a tshirt and shorts (no underwear), and that "tita bun" on top of my head. It's comfortable and it's just what I do. The clouds were forming and the late afternoon was going to be rainy. I love days like that. It means curling up on the couch and either reading a good book or watching a chic flick. For some reason, everyone was busy that day. I was home alone. The phone rings and it's boyfriend. We are still so brand new at this point that the butterflies in my belly flutter at the sound of his voice. He asks me what I'm doing. I tell him I'm watching a movie while folding laundry then abruptly stops and tells me he's going to call me right back. I go back to what I was doing. About five minutes or so after I hang up the phone I hear a car honk its horn outside. When I look outside, it's boyfriend in his room mate's car. I look a wreck but he doesn't seem to care.

He gets out of the car and I am so thrilled at his presence and his "surprise" visit. I get in the car with him and we go cruising for a couple hours. I don't recall what, exactly, we did. I'm pretty sure there was lots of making out involved. That's what teenagers in love do, right?! He was 24 but I was 18 so I was still considered a teenager.

I'm 42 now and I still love surprises like this. It shows me that the man who wants me is thinking of me and finding ways to love me and show me he cares.


14. Amendment to the Bucket List
Publishing a book. Getting paid to write. I want this sooner than later. This bucket list item is my number one priority now. It's not some lofty bucket list pipe dream. It is the only thing I am focused on right now.


15. My Christmas Wish This Year
This year I think I am in a better space than I was last year. Last year I probably wanted the sadness NOT to engulf me. This year - no sadness - just love in my heart and gratitude. What I want for Christmas this year is a camera. To be specific - a Canon 6D. It's been sitting in my Amazon shopping cart for quite some time now. Photography is such an expensive hobby but I love it and I feel lost without my camera. It is like an extension of my body. I always carry it for the times when I behold something beautiful and want to capture it on film. I don't know why I have such a difficult time spending money on myself but am quick to drop dollars for the people that I love. **sigh**

Quoting a Favorite Scholar

I think the Saturday Night Live skit, Hawaiian Hotel, was brilliant!



Contrary to the saccharine sweet tourist ads about Hawai'i, many Hawaiians are not exactly enthused about the tourist industry.

To quote one of my favorite scholars, Haunani-Kay Trask, I offer you this gem from her book From A Native Daughter: Colonialism and Sovereignty in Hawai'i,

In Hawai'i, the destruction of our land and the prostitution of our culture is planned and executed by multinational corporations (both foreign-based and Hawai'i-based), by huge landowners (such as the missionary-descended Castle & Cook of Dole Pineapple fame), and by collaborationist state and county governments. The ideological gloss that claims tourism to be our economic savior and the "natural" result of Hawaiian culture is manufactured by ad agencies (such as the state-supported Hawai'i Visitors Bureau) and tour companies (many of which are owned by the airlines) and spewed out to the public through complicitous cultural engines such as film, television and radio, and the daily newspaper. As for the local labor unions, both rank and file and management clamor for more tourists, while the construction industry lobbies incessantly for larger resorts....

My use of the word tourism in the Hawai'i context refers to a mass-based, corporately controlle dindustry that is both vertically and horizontally integrated such that one multinational corporation owns an airline and the tour buses that transport tourists to the corporation-owned hotel where they eat in a corporation-owned restaurant, play golf, and "experience" Hawai'i on corporation-owned recreation areas and eventually consider buying a second home built on corporation land. Profits, in this case, are mostly repatriated back to the home country. In Hawai'i, these "home" countries are Japan, Taiwan, Hong Kong, Canada, Australia, and the United States. In this sense, Hawai'i is very much like a Third World colony where the local elite - the Democratic Party in our state - collaborate in the rape of Native land and people.

In this book is an entire chapter devoted to tourism, "Lovely Hula Hands": Corporate Tourism and the Prostitution of Hawaiian Culture. It is a powerful chapter that affirms what I contemplate on the daily!

A Letter to You

Dear Reader,

I had a very short conversation with a fellow blogger yesterday. I won't even call it a conversation, it was that short. He said to me, "You're so transparent." Off the bat I took it as a compliment to my ability to be ME and also to my inability to tell "tall tales". Thanks, Darius T Williams.

It wasn't always the case that I was "transparent". I've told many tall tales in my day. It seems the older I get, the more comfortable I am with who I am and I don't need to tell the tall tales. I love my body, though the majority of women have issues. Am not ashamed to be naked anywhere, though I've never had to prove it. I love who I am as a person, though that could probably use a whole lot of tweaking and working on. I'm just really comfortable in my own skin and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

The idea of transparency is that I have nothing to hide. I have no hidden agenda, no ace of spades hiding in my coat sleeve. I am what I say I am. I have many events from my past that continue to haunt me. From me being at the center of a brawl, where one boyfriend stabbed my other boyfriend, to me being a rape survivor. I am transparent! There is no shame in the lessons I've learned along the way and I hope that someone can learn from them.

This blog has been more about me purging the bad, negative stuff that has ocurred in my life rather than a bid on gaining a readership. I enjoy blogging and sharing my stories, "As I Remember It..." I've come to learn how to strip away the emotion in my decision-making through this blog. It appears that I make better decisions when it's well thought out.

So, to you who is reading this, I thank you for being here to witness my many changes. Thank you for sharing in my triumphs, my manic depressant rants, and for giving me hope that today will be better than yesterday. That the sun will rise and set as it has for the last millenia. That the earth was created for us to meet and greet and learn to love each other and ultimately to demonstrate obedience to God.

I thank you for not judging my colorful past, which consequently is quite entertaining in comparison to my present! Yet it is in the present that I have found the true goddess within and the best thing is that you can find him or her in you as well. We were created in his image, born to inherit all that He has. Think on it!

Hugz,
neenalove

REACTION - Oprah's Master Class: Gloria Steinem

Gloria Steinem is one of the leaders that emerged in the feminist movement in the 1960's. I love the way we, as women, have evolved thanks to Ms. Steinem's important work.

This episode of Oprah's Master Class is different from the Morgan Freeman one I blogged about it, where the "teacher (feature person)" appears in a studio with a blank canvas backdrop, speaking openly about their life.

In recent years I have become very wary of people who proclaim an absolute. Perhaps it is the academic path I have chosen (philosophy) that places me in a vantage point that forces me to process observed human behavior outside of the "isms" of planet Earth. Having an average knowledge of the more popular "isms" associated with America and Europe, I have concluded that I am quite jaded in terms of the labels that have been placed upon me through culture and religion. I am not defined by the isms placed upon me by virtue of birth. The thought that I have to be something or someone that is not authentically me stifles my spirit and prevents me from being truly free. This Master Class is a reminder that I need not be what others tell me I should be. I love that about Oprah and Gloria -- the encouragement to live an authentic life is always so inspiring.

In the segment where Oprah and Gloria appear at Barnard Collge, Oprah casually speaks of being molested and raped. What is beautiful about her casualness is that she follows-up by professing that she has done the work to heal herself. As a result, there is no shame in talking about it and no need to treat what happened with a victim's attitude. Having been a victim of rape, I speak very frankly and openly about what I endured. I echo Oprah's sentiments by saying that I can be so open about it because I have fully reconciled my experience.

 Oprah asserts, "Knowing who you are is the most valuable asset you will ever have." I love this. I used to write on my blackplanet page that no matter how hard a banana tried to be an apple, it could never happen. What is the lesson? The lesson is that we should be who we authentically are because that is all we can be.

In one of the "webisodes" exclusively on the OWN website, Oprah shares an important message about service. She asks that we shift whatever it is we think we are here to do and approach it in a manner that makes you or I be of service to the world. Doing this will make our lives more fulfilling. This is the purpose of our lives; to share our energy with the people we come in contact with.

This Master Class was different but still very wonderful. Surely we must be who we are destined to be. Who am I outside of what I have? Who am I? Who are you? I pray that we both find our life's purpose soon!

A Review of Sorts

The very large topic of the subjugation of women has laid heavy on my mind for two simple reasons. The first reason - I just finished reading the book by Khaled Hosseini, A Thousand Splendid Suns. If you have plans of reading the book, stop reading this post now, as I may unravel details or the ending in a manner that might taint how you interpret the book.

A Thousand Splendid Suns, such a poetic title. So poetic, in fact, that at first glance I knew it wasn't a romance and that the title was satirical. It did, however, end up being about love. About unconditional, real love between friends and family. In relation to the subjugation of women, the story explicitly tells the tale of the Taliban and their treacherous domination over its citizens. To illustrate the topic, the book covers several forms of oppressive behavior. Physical and mental abuse, extreme poverty, near deification of natural-born sons rather than daughters, rape, murder, etc. The book was written beautifully, weaving in several historical events as well as places and classic Afghan literature.

The book left me heartbroken for Mariam, one of the key characters. In the closing chapters of the book, to defend herself and save the life of her fellow concubine, Laila, Mariam hits their abusive husband over the head until he dies. Mariam, wracked with guilt over her murderous act and wanting so very much to see that Laila's children live long lives and to see Laila be reunited with her true love, submits to the Taliban legal system. She gives herself as a sacrifice to allow the dreams of another to flourish. Triumphantly, she is put to death in the center of town, with a crowd both in awe and amazement at the courage that Mariam faced death with.


Reason #2 for this diatribe into the subjugation of women - I viewed the movie, Lilya 4-Ever. If you have plans of watching Lilya 4-Ever, stop reading this post now, as I will probably give away the entire movie here.

Lilya 4-Ever is a gem I found on Netflix. Sidebar: Netflix has a great selection of foreign films. I love love love foreign films because of the heavy topics they cover. The ones that I've selected, so far, have been gripping tales of the human condition. Anyway, Lilya 4-Ever is set in Estonia (once a part of the USSR). It is the tale of a 16-year old girl, Lilya, totally abandoned by her mother who up and moves to America. She is left to fend for herself and eventually turns to prostitution as a means of supporting herself and her little companion, Volodya - a boy abandoned by his parents. The graphic portrayal of how her life is lived, men penetrating her and grunting on top of her, broke my heart with the realization that this happens every day and has happened all throughout the history of the world.

Lilya falls prey to a handsome Russian, Sergei, who pretends to fall in love with her. He sends her to Sweden with the false promise of a better life and feigns to meet her there in two days time. With all her hopes and dreams for a better life fully intact and a newfound interest in living, Lilya leaves for Sweden. Overcome by despair and sadness because Lilya left him, Volodya ends his life. Sergei never shows and has sent Lilya directly into the hands of a small-time pimp. She is locked up in a single room and is only allowed to leave when the pimp has found her a "john". It seems she lives that way for weeks.

The apex comes when Volodya appears to Lilya as an angel and tells her that the door was left unlocked and she is free to go. She runs, without a clue on where to go, without a destination, utterly and totally WITHOUT hope. In the final moments of the film, Lilya climbs atop a highway over pass. Volodya is screaming at her not to do what he did -- to live life on her terms. Lilya, stuck in the violence called 'her life', jumps to her death.

The one unifying factor, in these two very extreme circumstances: THERE IS NO ESCAPE EXCEPT THROUGH DEATH. Bittersweet! Tragic! Triumphant, almost.

After experiencing the book then the movie, in succession, I realize how the world is in need of the healing powers of love. Women are charged with the task of being compassionate and forgiving and of teaching the world those special qualities. Though we are abused, though we are run into the ground with difficult choices, though we are subjected to burdensome loads; even through the drama of life, women will always triumph over the oppressor.


**Photo Credit for Thousand Splendid Suns
**Photo Credit for Lilya 4-Ever

A Letter to Lingle

Governer Lingle:

The unanimous ruling by the U.S. Supreme Court shows the utter disregard for the host culture of Hawai'i. Your "camp" seeks to serve the foreigners to Hawai'i, rather than attend to the needs of kanaka maoli.

You, your cabinet, the U.S. system of government are enemy to the beauty and culture of Hawai'i.

Your desire to sell off the ceded lands may be well within the laws and confines of the U.S. government, and you may feel totally justified in pursuing that right. However, you offend the host culture/ kanaka maoli and are unbelievably non-chalant about this offense. Your "legal" victory is unabashedly immoral.

My ancestors welcomed foreigners, like yourself, to our 'aina and you continually desecrate the natural love Hawai'i has for all people. And you use this natural disposition of our people to further your own personal, political gain.

My anger, my disdain for foreigners burns ever brighter as I witness such an evil turning of events. Yet and still, the U.S. goverment refuses to see the moral defeat this ruling will have on kanaka maoli.

Many kanaka occupy the beaches and refuse to submit to American capitalism by obtaining mortgages and giving in to western greed. It is our right, as the natural and original heirs to this land to be able to occupy WHATEVER land we desire. It is our right to be able to provide for our families, as our ancestors did, by farming the land and fishing in the immediate waters that surround our land. You rape our culture by your continual push toward assimilation.

I despise you, your cabinet, and the U.S. government.

With Respect,

C.W.

Seven Wonders

Okay folks... I was watching this special about the seven wonders of the ancient world. Well... I got to thinking. Got to reading. And came up with my own batch of seven wonders... right along with the ancient stuff! Symbolic like a mugg... LOL.

1. The Pyramids of Giza is the oldest wonder. It is admired for its many secret chambers and passageways; for its height and size; for its accuracy. Its construction is impressive but the mystery behind it even more fantastic!

So what could I possibly have in common with this? What can equate to the first wonder of the world? On my own scale, my family is MY pyramid! The construction of our family is near PERFECT. Each member of my family, immediate and extended, represent the many secret chambers and passageways... all beneath the surface... yet all a part of this fantastic construction. Each block OR each family member, including my husband, contributes to this beautiful pyramid.

2. The Hanging Gardens of Babylon... imagine a huge man-made mountain, constructed of many terraces of green foliage and flowers, surrounded by water in the middle of the desert. Near what is currently Baghdad, Iraq once stood the hanging gardens of Babylon. It is said that King Nebuchadnezzar built the huge monument to cheer up his wife, Amyitis. She was from a lush, tropical mecca and he resided in the desert. So he built this huge mountain of greenery to help her get through her homesickness.

For me, the significance of this wonder of the world is the "gesture" of love made by Nebuchadnezzar. I have not limited myself to experiencing JUST ONE great love in my life. I have had MANY great loves... and of those loves... the greatest "gesture" happened in a hotel room... as I lay crying in horror at the fact that the man who raped me had been acquitted. The monument of strength rendered by one of the GREAT LOVES of my life still amazes me today. At my weakest moment, he comforted me. He held me up and didn't let me drown in self pity. He pushed me forward and allowed me to dream beyond my capacity at that moment. His "gesture" of stalwart strength, of supreme understanding, of genuine affection will NEVER be forgotten.

3. The Statue of Zeus at Olympia found fame because of its splendor. He was 12 meters tall and carved out of ivory. He was seated on a cedarwood throne, inlaid with gold and ivory and ebony and precious stones. Bottom line with this ancient wonder is that its beauty, majesty and splendor captured the admiration of the ancient world.

So this should be easy, right? I mean, how hard is it to find something that is physically beautiful? MY third wonder, based on BEAUTY alone is my home state of Hawai'i. The mountains, the ocean, the greenery EVERYWHERE, the people... it is TRULY a wonderful combination. It is BEAUTIFUL here! Though I can see myself leaving here in a few years and moving to the south pacific somewhere... the majesty and splendor of Hawai'i will always be MY THIRD WONDER!

4. The Temple of Artemis would have truly been a site to behold. Imagine a structure slightly larger than a football field, sixty feet high, surrounded by steps, a large courtyard... COMPLETELY made of marble. Nothing similar to it for miles and miles. Why was it so important in the old world? Aside from its beauty, some say the number of times it was destroyed and rebuilt makes it amazing. Some say its importance is due to the refuge it provided for the troubled. Others saw it as a wonderful way to pay homage to the goddess, Artemis.

Whatever the reasons may be. The value in this WONDER is in how many times it was destroyed then rebuilt. MY fourth wonder is my own ability to RISE ABOVE disappointments. Folks have torn me down but the Lord has truly given me the quality, the strength to be able to build myself back up. Whether my heart was broken, or I was violated through rape, or I was betrayed... whatever it may have been... I was blessed with the ability to rise above it all.

5. The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus entombed King Mausolus. His queen spared no expense when building the tomb. Queen Artemisia was also his sister. The term "mausoleum" is used in reference to any tomb GRAND in nature... King "Mausolus"... because of this display that was built on the kings behalf.

MY FIFTH wonder... thanks to this mausoleum... is to honor the dead! I honor both of my grandmothers. They were both widowed at a young age. My mothers mom had 17 children at the time of my grandfathers death. And then managed to have a couple more. She had to raise all of those children without the help of her husband. I admire that and I honor her! My fathers mother had 7 at the time of her husbands death. So... to these strong women that have come before me... I construct my own mausoleum for you... with my WORDS!

6. The Colossus of Rhodes was 110 feet tall... roughly the same height as the Statue of Liberty. The Rhodians built the statue to pay tribute to their patron God, Helios.

I wondered what all the "ado" was about with the Colossus. It came to me - in its day and age, the Colossus was ahead of its time. That's right folks. The man power and strength and engineering of the entire process HAD to be difficult without all the modern technology we enjoy today. And THAT is MY SIXTH wonder. Technology! If you're reading this here blog... more than likely, you love the internet as much as I do. I love computers, digital cameras, digital cell phones. Everything! Thanks to technology, the world is getting smaller. We are able to communicate and go places QUICKER than ever before!

7. The Pharos of Alexandria was a lighthouse. Legend has it that the mirror used in this lighthouse could reflect light that could be seen over hundreds of meters out. It was a marble structure over 40 stories high!

It's significance for me... can be found in the hymn, Brightly Beams Our Fathers Mercy OR The Lower Lights. Check out the background story HERE. But basically... what it comes down to is that MY CREATOR is the lighthouse. He is the guide back into the safety of the harbor, figuratively speaking. And we should all be the "lower lights" that burn to illuminate the shoreline and ultimately guide the ships to safety. God plays a major role in my life. For the foundation my parents set up for me... I am eternally grateful!

And... that's a wrap FOLKS! What are your SEVEN WONDERS?

Neena Facts

1. My name is not really Neena but it is a nickname I picked up in high school.
2. I'm on my second marriage... already.
3. I have no kids of my own but I do have two step-children.
4. My first marriage was a big event. The second one... we eloped.
5. I love writing in my journal. Count this blog as one of them.
6. I was born and raised in Hawai'i.
7. I've lived in New Mexico, Kansas and Missouri.
8. I love the city of Atlanta and hope to own a home there one day.
9. The last movie I seen in a theatre was Diary Of A Mad Black Woman.
10. I enjoy rainy days!
11. I have too much hormones!
12. I love the ocean.
13. I love mountains.
14. The slowness of country life in Hawai'i is right on time for me.
15. I am very passionate about anything I'm passionate about.
16. I am a rape survivor
17. I collect anything that has green sea turtles on them. Not tortoises or land turtles! I like green sea turtles!!!
18. I have driven from California to Georgia.
19. I love homemade gifts and cards... especially if it's my birthday.
20. I have a dog named Sheba and she just had 8 puppies.
21. My favorite outfit is a pair of gray sweats and a black tank top.
22. I've always wanted to be taller.
23. I love people stories... which makes me a sucka for all these blogs.
24. I'm fat
25. I've been in love a million times and I don't intend to stop
26. I like my hair in its natural state -- bushy and all over the place. Folks say it makes me look unkept and sloppy but I love every curl and split end on my head.
27. I HATE make-up
28. I love pedicures
29. I don't like acrylic tips on my nails. My nails are always natural.
30. I can't shut up