Monday, August 01, 2005

Heart : Broken

You know that first heartbreak! The first one that you've ever had. The one you've never really gotten over. That heartbreak that STOLE your ability to love with COMPLETE ABANDON. Do you know which one I'm talking about? Okay... let's talk about it. I feel the need to PURGE!

Heart : Broken
It was his 39th birthday. I was overwhelmed with a strange feeling in that moment between sleep and consciousness. It wasn't a bad premonition. I just knew that a CHANGE was coming.

He nudged me. I greeted him, "Happy Birthday Baby." He said thank you and told me that he was taking a drive to the store for a cup of coffee. I fell back asleep. When I awoke he was sitting on a chair next to the bed staring at me.

"What's wrong baby?"

He replied, "I'm going back to New Mexico."

I paused and gave him a strange look. My mind was not exactly processing the information he just disclosed.

"Well, what do you mean you're going back to New Mexico? Am I going with you?"

"No," he said, "I'm leaving."

"What do you mean you're leaving? You're leaving me again? Are we getting a divorce?"

That I even let him DICTATE that we're getting a divorce irritates me two and a half years later.... when really... I should have left him ages ago. I just kept letting him walk all over me. **sigh**

"I guess. I can't stay here anymore. I can't pretend that I'm happy. I'm not happy." That's what he told me! We had been trying to hammer out our issues for two months prior to this eventful day after having been seperated for two years.

"Is there another woman?" You know that is EVERY woman's first question!

"No," he said, "I'm just not happy and I haven't been happy for a very long time."

The conversation continued on in the same manner. The end result was me crying.

It was his birthday and I had this beautiful day planned out. That was obviously not going to happen. I still hadn't processed the weight of his words though I was in tears.

I dried my eyes, got off the bed and told him, "Get ready. Let's go do something. It's your birthday." Yep, that's me in DENIAL.

He gets in the shower. I immediately get on the phone and call my "sister", Ree. I call a male friend, Nate. Then I call my mother. I cry and tell them the news.

Anyway, we end up at Dave & Busters. In the perfect birthday I had planned for him, we were supposed to end our day there. So the joint opens at 11 in the morning. It wasn't even noon yet and we go directly to the place. I slide him a $50 because I didn't know if he had money or not and it was his birthday. I had been supporting us for the last two months. Forking over the money wasn't anything new.

The full load on my shoulders was beginning to bare its weight and I headed straigt for the bar. I get a drink, sit at the bar and just start CRYING. The bartender DID not know what to make of me so he left me in my tears. I was finally feeling my aching heart. I finally felt the dagger that was attempting to stop my heart from beating.

I get up to find the man that is breaking my heart. He's seated at a shooting game. I pull up a stool next to him. I knew this was it. I knew that he was serious about the divorce and the logistics of what is about to occur is sinking in. The man that I loved with complete abandon did not love me anymore and he wanted out of this marriage contract and I was kindly obliging him and I knew that I, too, was DONE!

After a couple of hours, we leave. I'm completely BUZZED and the devil inside me was rearing its ugly head. We're driving back to my apartment. It is MINE now that he's leaving me... AGAIN. The conversation on the way to my place was along the lines of: are you sure you wanna do this? He was sure and I can't argue with him anymore. I was tired of fighting just for him to love me.

We get back to my place. "So what do you wanna do? Do you want me to leave and you stay while you get it together OR what?" Here's another irritating look into the past... that I even cared where he laid his head.

"NO! I'll leave. Imma stay with some friends," he replied.

I was fuming and I was so angry at him for even coming back to me for these two months. He collected some clothes, packed his blue Nike gym bag and walked out my door. Thats one of the last visions I have of him. Then I cried and I cried and I cried. My eyes were swollen. My heart broken. Then I got angry. Everything that reminded me of our relationship was destroyed. DESTROYED. DESTROYED! DESTROYED.

My need to purge has been satisfied. I will continue the rest of my Heart : Broken story tomorrow. Come on back and read it, yall.

The continuation.... Crippled Cells!


Sista K said...

Neenaaaaaaaaaa! you are the dearest sweetest sis...this story made my heart ache....keep purging sis....

Anonymous said...

That story was really touching I am having marriage problems with my husband of 4 years. I just hope for the best but willing to face the worst GIRL stay up

Serenity3-0 said...

Where is the rest of the story you promised us?

The Songer said...

While reading your blog, Im realizing that this is the kind of writing Ive been looking for in everybook that i have started this summer and cant seem to finish! You a great writer!