Thursday, August 11, 2016

Lessons From A Mother's Love

My mother would have been 68 earth years on June 5, 2016. She left this existence on 30 June 2011. I can't believe it's been almost five years. When I think on the time I had with her on this planet, I would say that my biggest regret is that I did not learn all that I could from her. She was the smartest woman I will ever know, who would "tell it like it is" and still had the biggest heart.

I find that one of the traits I have learned from her is to be brutally honest. I wasn't always that way. In fact, people used to walk all over me and take advantage of my kindness. As a young girl and on up to being an adult, I thought that being accommodating of everyone was an admirable trait. Being well-liked because I was accommodating would certainly earn me loyal friends.... but it didn't and it really doesn't. It took a long time to learn the lesson. Prior to my 40th birthday last year, the epiphany of being "too accommodating" came to an end. Specific experiences led to me penning my 40 Year Old Manifesto. I choose my own happiness above any notion of loyalty to insignificant people. I wish my mother could see this blossoming of me. She would tell me, "I told you so." And I would retort with utter disgust because she 'knows it all'.

When I think of her, I tear up just thinking of the missed lessons I should have had with her. I miss her clear wisdom and absolute distinction between right and wrong. She had a well-developed and accurate moral compass and I wish I was born with that... sometimes. I say "sometimes" because I am far too curious to limit myself to stay within the bounds that are imposed upon me by my culture and my religious upbringing. Yet, I am so very grateful for my mother's staunch perseverance in raising me to strive for holiness and purity. I have had to temper that with my wild, anarchist tendencies and am quite pleased with my unique morality. My endeavor is to see God in people, not because we are of the same culture or have the same religion but because God's light is in each of us.

I credit my mother for fostering my curious nature but also applying restraint for my safety. In many of my dark days, I could feel my mother's prayers to God. I remember a particular time when I lived in New Mexico. I had experienced a traumatic event in Hawai'i and escaped to New Mexico. I also left the island following a man I wanted to love forever. I was sitting in my apartment. It was the middle of the afternoon and a feeling of my mother's love washed over me. It was so overwhelming, so strong, and so urgent, and I could feel her arms around me. I wish I could tell her now that I felt her that day in a really moving way. These were the days before calling cards and long-distance calls were $0.25 cents a minute and up, depending on the city so I was not able to make a call to her. I will never forget that incredible rush.

I was such a wild child. Sorry, Mom! I know she was extremely worried about me. I remember one evening being in my apartment in New Mexico. It was early evening but being that it was winter, it was already dark. I heard a knock at the door. Two men dressed in white shirts and ties from the local L.D.S. ward had been sent by my mother. I look back now and think of how concerned she was about me, how worried she was for my safety, and I dare anyone to doubt her unconditional love for me. There is no parallel to a Mother's Love!

She would have been 68 this year. I have to believe that she peeks in on me from time to time and that she still prays for me and petitions the Gods for my safety. I know she sends wonderful people into my life to push and prod me to be a better me. When I meet her again, I will praise her angelic presence in my life and beg her forgiveness for my limited understanding of A Mother's Love.

1 comment:

evotia said...

Thank you for this lesson. I will do my best to absorb what my mother shows me daily and bite my tongue when she repeats the same lesson I already have memorized. Thank you.