Love has dictated all of my adult life.
the pursuit of it
the wanting
the needing
the search for a partner to compliment my soul
This past weekend, I came to a quick realization that I deserve everything my heart desires.
The next time love finds me, it will be without effort, without having to overcome insurmountable odds just for our relationship to exist. I will never have to wonder if he loves me because it will be apparent. His pursuit of me will match or exceed my efforts and I will be in competition with NO ONE.
I have come to realize that I am worthy of a love that is big and sincere. It is not my job to prove to anyone that I am a good woman. Even though I categorize myself as the realest ride-or-die chic, I am not the poster child for all good women.Why should I continue to portray myself as this loyal partner when it goes unappreciated? My display of loyalty and honor and respect for my partner has me sacrificing my own needs. I compromise so much of who I am to be "that girl" for my man. I'm done with that.
Some of my closest friends tell me that I should wait for my ex-husband, wait for him to want me again. I think it is so degrading for me to wait around for him. If I wait for him, I'm telling myself that he is more important than my own needs, that my heart is not as important as his love. It's been a year since we split. I still adore him but I am tired of being sad. I am tired of carrying around my broken heart and if there is love for me on the horizon, may it be pure and free from any pain and heartache.
I don't want to associate new love with any pain or broken hearts. Some say that the pain adds to the the depth of the relationship but I don't need it. I want it to lift me and push me to the highest heights. I want to laugh uncontrollably in his arms and feel the aching in my belly that comes from laughter. I want to feel butterflies every time I think of him and see him. I want to feel him gently supporting my every endeavor no matter how stupid it may sound.
I never want to worry about another broken heart. Thinking of trusting my heart to another man scares me. Is it unrealistic to have an expectation that a man could love me for life? True, faithful, and full of genuine love and affection not just for a couple of years but for life, forever? What I really want is to put all of my broken hearts behind me and never look back. I know I speak about forgiveness and having no malice in my heart but I don't think I can let go of the pain of my broken heart.... at least not yet.
I don't know what tomorrow brings. All I know is the condition of my heart right now. It's a little bruised up and not ready for anything serious. I don't know when I will be ready again. I take it one day at a time. Some days I feel good. Some days it takes everything in me NOT to fall to pieces. Songs normally trigger a reaction. Billy Ocean's "Love is Forever" will have me a complete and utter mess. And, well, I'm tired of the emotion. I am tired of the bouts of sadness. Don't get me wrong though, I love to be in love. Heck, my moniker as of late has been hashtag-i-still-believe-in-love. I do! I really do... just not for me at this very moment.
i am hopeful
i am optimistic
i am moving forward
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