Thursday, October 31, 2013

Mommy Memory

What I learned from my mother, though she has passed, continues in daily, silent epiphanies. I think of her often. Sometimes it's regret for not being a better daughter to her, for not being a better friend to her, for being a miss-know-it-all and not really listening to everything that she wanted to teach  me. I remember as a teenager she wanted to teach me how to crochet and knit. Being the tomboy that I was, I was just NOT interested in knitting. Here I am knocking on 40 years of age and desperately cruising youtube crochet tutorials so that I can finish a beautiful quilt she started. She was such a talented lady. Why did I brush it off when she was here on this planet? I'm sorry mom.

The truth is that I try not to live in the regret of all the things I could have done to honor my mother while she was here in the flesh. I can't say that I feel guilty nor do I feel excessive regret for not cherishing  her more. And that sounds very arrogant and ungrateful but I really had to make peace with my weaknesses in my relationship with her. The day after she died, I went to Pounder's Beach. I witnessed the most glorious sunrise unlike anything I had ever experienced before or since. While there I put my feelings out into the universe. I forgave myself for not being everything I should have been. And I knew then as I know now that there was no need for apologies or forgiveness - only love and compassion.

Since that day I love differently. I look at people differently. I look at situations differently. I stand in the truth of unconditional love and the purity of my thoughts. I don't gauge situations based on rules or on doctrine published somewhere. I listen to my heart. I listen to my gut. I listen to that still, small voice that beckons me to love people on purpose…. to live ON PURPOSE.

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