A Healthy Me!

There's a scene on Waiting to Exhale, where Gloria (Loretta Devine) introduces herself to her new neighbor, Marvin (Gregory Hines).

She walks across the street and assumes that Marvin, the guy unloading the truck is just the moving guy. She makes small talk and asks questions about the family moving in and happily discovers that Marvin, the man she's talking to, is moving in alone and is single after the untimely death of his wife. After they exchange a few more pleasantries, she invites him over for a meal. He declines. She concedes to send over a plate.

In the dialogue she points out, "I don't need to be eating all that much, BIG AS I AM."

He replies, "I like that. I like a woman with meat on her bones."

She giggles and turns to walk back across the street. Midway through the street she turns back to see if he's watching her walk away. He is. She waves and giggles again at the attention from Marvin.

I remember being very conscious of my size when I was younger. It could have been because my family's constant attention was on how fast I was growing and how much larger I was than my cousins on my fathers side. They being mostly Asian with a sprinkling of Hawaiian. Me, being fully POLYNESIAN with the bone structure to match.

My mother was a very petite woman. She being all of 5'1" and tipping the scales at 120 pounds on her wedding day. She would often comment about my size and my need to lose weight. I don't hold any anger or resentment toward her for it, the way I did several years ago. However, I'm stuck in the thought process that I need to lose weight. Therefore creating the conditions to ALWAYS make that statement true, meaning I must stay BIG to always keep me in the lose weight mindset.

That last paragraph might be a little hard for people to read or understand. It may seem confusing. You probably have to read it over and over to get 'it'. Or you may not get it today but one day you will. What I've been finding, as I peel apart the psychological and emotional layers that keep me in a body shape that NO LONGER serves me, is that at the heart of the issue is my mindset.

I don't think I would have ever thought I was fat, if my family didn't remind me as often as they did. I'm sure that most of them didn't mean it in a hurtful way, nevertheless, that is how I received their words. Throughout my teenage years, I battled the "fat self-image" that was imposed on me even though I was popular, had a lot of friends, and dated often. The insecurities that come with teenage-hood, coupled with a fat-self-image, made for a very confused young adult.

After getting through the emotional junk, I fell in love with me. I mean I really love ME. I look in the mirror and LOVE everything about ME. But now, with my age creeping up on me and my desire to bear a child, I want to be in love with a HEALTHY ME!

Here I am 33 years and 5 months old and I have not yet mastered my body. One of this years goals, as it has been for the past 3 years, is to RELEASE 50 pounds from my body FOREVER! I fluctuate losing and gaining ten pounds. I want that to stop right now. I want to maintain a healthy body weight so that as I age I am able to have an excellent quality of life. **sigh**

Even though my husband likes the "extra meat on my bones"; even if I love the reflection in the mirror; even if I am comfortable in the skin I'm in; I need to realize a HEALTHY ME. Any ideas?