Spring Fool: Chasing Forever Edition
April 10th used to be a very special date to me. I suppose it is still special since here I am blogging about it. Ahhh maybe it's just a day for me to remember old love. I met my first love on this day many moons ago. It was all very magical and I was swept up in such a crazy whirlwind of new feelings and emotions. I was just 18 years old - so young and tender and brand new to grown-up love. He was so apprehensive of whatever was developing between us, and I, I was head over heels for him. I don't know what it is that makes people fall in love but there's nothing like it. Physical attraction leads to spending time together and before you know it, you are falling helplessly down a rabbit hole completely unable to stop gravity.
Here I am 24 years later and I have noticed the same pattern when I fall for a guy. The fireworks and the magic of new beginnings make me foolish. I overlook all the things that might be potential "red flags." Well, I don't actually overlook them and it's not that I don't see them, what happens is that I place those red flag behaviors neatly in a compartment in my mind that says, "I can change that." And maybe that's not something I should do anymore or maybe it's part of my charm? I have a thing for building up my man. My closest friends say that I pick "Project Men" - my selection in men need some shiny-ing up to take the roughness off of their edges. I don't mind that. I love that I can be a positive influence with the man I intend to love. A man should be so lucky to have a woman who supports him and pushes him to his greatest heights.
Even if I am attracted to "the project men," the last thing I want to feel is judged for my selection. Nothing anyone says can actually steer me away from my bull-headed stubbornness. I like what I like and nobody has to understand my choice or even agree with it. In fact, everyone thought I was a fool when I married my ex. Everyone was so sure that we were going to fail within the first year and, I can't lie, it was a rough first year. Hell, we had several rough patches. People thought I had made a big mistake and that it was too soon from my last relationship. They said that we didn't really know each other. It didn't matter because all of the comments came after he and I had already run away to Illinois to get married. We lasted thirteen years before he called it quits and I complied. The last thing I wanted was to stay with a man that didn't want me. But here is what I know. Here is the secret. If there is anything I know about myself, it's that I know how to be a good wife but more important, I know how to be a good partner. I know how to build my man up and shiny him up for all the world. I know how to support him and I know how to take charge when I need to. I am the difference. And so what if everyone judges my choices. Nobody has to understand it.
I know that I always talk about love and I'm obsessed with relationships and the dynamics that happen in marriage and now in my single-ness. I don't know if the topic is redundant but I do know that LOVE isn't going anywhere. It will always be a part of the human condition; how we want to co-habitate and nest and ride this road called life with a loving partner. I don't think I will ever lose the desire to share my life with someone. April 10th, every year, reminds me of new love and how much of a spring fool I am. But even though I've been hurt before, I will never lose my enthusiasm for finding someone to share my world with, to chase forever with. Even though it terrifies me to give my heart away again, I still want to believe that someone out there wants to give me the world. Someone out there wants to love me completely. He wants to be my protector, my provider, and wants to be by my side through every joy and every pain. I know he's out there maybe looking for me too and I just have to believe that love will find me again and this time it will be forever. #iStillBelieveInLove