Vacation Wonderland and Sad Realities
I have been traveling since 14 June. I left Honolulu, Hawai'i and made my way to Baltimore, Maryland first. I hung out with my bestie in her hood, with her family, and spent a bunch of time with her son who is fighting cancer right now. It broke my heart to witness some of the struggles that he is going through and at the same time, I marvel at the strength with which he perseveres. I pray he will be able to fight this fight and triumph over this ugly plague.
On Thursday, 22 June, I made my way down to Blythewood, South Carolina where my cousin just bought a home and is moving in. I am here to help her unpack her things but more than that, I'm here to listen to her tell me what she thinks about what's going on with me. She always tells me that her life changed when I gave her a couple of bits of advice that she took to heart. I find that so funny that I can give advice on someone else's problems but can't seem to solve my own. I guess that's just the way it is. There is absolutely no doubt that she is my "soft spot" to land. And there is no doubt that I feel like I am hitting rock bottom right now and need a soft spot to land. My rock bottom does not seem too bad when I step back and look at the big picture but it feels like crap and I just wish I could be done with all this hard stuff.
South Carolina is beautiful. My "real" camera was lost in a car accident that I was involved in a couple of months ago. Thank God that my cell phone takes pretty good pictures. Some of these older, historic towns have so much character. I love how green it is here and the acres and acres of trees all around. Some areas have beautiful rolling hills and corn fields. I love the slow, slow pace in the small towns. The heat and humidity is right up my alley. The only thing missing for me is the ocean. The coast has the ocean but it doesn't quite look like the Pacific. I don't think I will ever find a place on this planet as beautiful as my island home.
Last night I was listening to someone sing a cover of Whitney Houston's song, "I Have Nothing." I don't know why that song just rocks me every time I hear it. This whole break-up/divorce from my ex is just so overwhelming. I seek for "band-aids" in the form of men or a man to soothe my aching heart, to validate me, to make me feel needed and wanted. And the strange thing is that I know that I need to piece myself back together and not rely on any outside forces to make my heart feel better. I must gather the strength and courage to stand alone through this until I am completely at peace with the circumstances of my life. I want to throw myself into my writing with fierce passion and spread my wings and fly above my pain. I feel so broken inside that the only thing that I really can do to make it all better is take care of me.
So often, I break down and shed tears just thinking of the life I had before all of this. I miss him so much and yet I'm so mad at him for putting me in this predicament. For giving up on us. For leaving me so lost in love and so broken. I pretend that life is good and that I'm moving toward a beautiful life but this part right now, this transition thing happening, it hurts like hell. I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I'm faced with the madd reality that I am alone in this world. I miss his companionship. I miss his scent. I miss his beautiful smile. I miss his strong arms holding me tight. I wish him well today and every day and hope that he finds his happiness.