Endings Mean Beginnings
December 7th can't come quick enough. I am going on another trip off the island and I AM SO EXCITED. The thing about endings is that it also means new beginnings. I took two weeks to mourn the break-up with my ex-husband. I am amazed at how quickly I am bouncing back. He held my heart for thirteen years and was a wonderful husband if we exclude the current year. I will cherish the good memories and who knows what tomorrow will bring. At this point, I am still upset about the break-up because it is not what I would have chosen but I hold no ill-will towards him. I wish him the best on his journey. I suppose I'm angry because the break-up means CHANGE. And change is always hard. I am not minimizing how much I love.loved him but he has obviously moved on and so must I. I cannot go back in time, to that place where we first started drifting apart. All I can do is move forward, place on foot in front of the other, one day at a time. I worry about him from time to time but our last conversation was not very nice. We both have very little patience for each other. I am just ready for it to all be over. The only thing keeping us semi-connected is our joint debt. Mortgage, credit car, and line of credit. As soon as our house is sold, I can move forward in wonderful freedom!
This December 7th trip will be the third trip in a matter of weeks. The two before this were quite magical. The first trip was kind of a ghost mission - very incognito and secret. Very few people know where I disappeared to that second week in October. I really needed to get off the rock and distance myself from the man that was stomping all over my heart. It will forever remain a special weekend, one that I will cherish til I am old and gray. I feel like I came alive that weekend and could feel my heart putting itself back together. I felt like I had really stepped away from the darkness of heartache and into the light of true love. The end of one relationship has initiated a new beginning as I remember to take care of "just me" and not worry about being a good wife or a good woman for someone else.
Two weeks after the "ghost trip," I found myself once again on a plane. This time I was headed to Maryland. My sweet cousin (she and I pictured together) thought it fitting to buy my airfare so I could get some head space far away from the tragedy happening in my life. I had not known when I left Hawai'i but the day I flew out is the day that the divorce was ordered by the judge. When I returned from Maryland, I received the final decree of divorce on what would have been our 13th wedding anniversary. Go figure. One last "stick-it-to-me" from the old ex. I will be just fine. From time to time, he will pop up in my mind and I feel a tinge of sadness that we are not in regular contact but for the most part, I am so ready to let it all go. Anyway -- Maryland, just like the "ghost trip", was magical. The highlight of the trip was my special date to see Maxwell and Mary J. Blige. I had so much fun with my friends and my cousins and my special date that there is really nothing to mourn anymore. The freedom I have gained is staggering. I am amazed and excited to see where life may take me. Whether I am steeling myself for another broken heart or maybe brand new love, only time will tell. This Maryland trip will stay with me for all my days. The magic that happened is irreplaceable and will never, ever be duplicated.
The newness of things happening in my life has an old, familiar feel that is so deep and so difficult to express. I am grateful for the magic of new beginnings. I am grateful for the direction in my life that illuminates a clear path with a clear rising star that guides me on this journey.
December 7th cannot come fast enough. Every day I thank my lucky stars for the person I see in the mirror. I am grateful that I have a fabulous inner circle that constantly encourages me to be the best me. They are amazed at how I am taking this all in stride. As much as I loved my ex, I love myself more, and I have to put me above anything and everything. This is it! This is my life! Though a great love affair ended, a new one is beginning and it's where I FINALLY "do me."