A New Year, Maybe A New Me

Happy Chinese New Year!

There is so much to be grateful for in my life.

As I move forward, one step at a time, I find that I am outgrowing my current job. I have a strong desire to move through all of the monotony of my old life. My most recent trip to Texas really opened me up to the possibility of moving and living there. Granted, I would need quick access to Hawai'i because I can only go so long before I need the ocean. Dallas is the hub for American Airlines so if I could get a job there then I think it would be a no-brainer for me to make my way to Dallas. I just need a fresh start away from here, away from my ex-husband. He has not left the island so the odds of running into him here are pretty high. I would just die if I ran into him with another woman.

He is so beautiful to me but I understand that he does not feel that way about me and I will be okay with that. It does not devalue who I am. I know what I bring to the table and I know how powerful my life is. What I miss so much is his presence in my day to day. Even though our split has been such a free-ing experience, I miss the routine of every day. Funny how just a year ago, the routine is what was making me so unhappy.

I love being in love. I love pouring my time and affection into a relationship. I don't have that right now, though I would not be opposed to it, so I am constantly working on using that time to write. It does not mean that I do not have any interested parties vying for my affection but I am just tired of waiting. I want something in real time. Right now. Someone to go to the movies with, to take me to the nail shop, to go dancing with, dinner, and all the fun things that can happen in real time. The truth is that I know I'm not ready for real-time love. My mind, my heart, my soul is just not ready to pull anyone else into my drama. In the meantime, though, I will enjoy the attention as I heal my heart.

She is Back... with a Vengeance

These past couple of months have been a roller coaster of emotions. I cannot contain the myriad of feelings I have experienced.

Joy.

Pain.

Sadness.

Happiness.

Love.

Hate.

Anger.

Humility.

And now, I am adding EXCITEMENT. 

I think I am finally coming from beneath the grey skies of the break-up with my ex. Fo real, fo real. I am not just saying that like I did in previous posts. I really mean it. We really are done and because I have come to that realization, I think everything will be alright. I am not going to be bitter because if he wants to walk away from me, I respect that. It is not a judgement on my ability to be a good person. In fact, I respect that he had the courage to follow his most genuine desire and move in the direction of where he sees his life going even if it meant breaking up our marriage. Of course, it could have also gone the other way where he actually put in the work to make US work again but I will not mourn that anymore. My life is too fabulous now for me to even consider what NOT breaking up would have looked like.

I have such a clear path ahead of me and it invigorates me, it frees me, it gives me brand new eyes to see that there are an infinite number of possibilities. This is not to minimize what I had with my ex but I felt like a dog on a leash. I had/have so many dreams and ambitions that I have for myself (for us) and I just felt like he would yank it when my ideas were a little too risky. Since we have parted ways, I feel a new sense of EXCITEMENT and that little girl I was - the one that could do ANYTHING, the one with IMAGINATION and CREATIVE PASSION - she is back with a vengeance. I rise and flourish in spite of the heartache and turmoil that I am experiencing.

Other things have also synced in my life that has filled my heart with hope, EXCITEMENT, and new found joy. And I wonder how I ever did without it for so long. Sometimes it be like that.

2017 will be the best year yet. I am strong. I am powerful. I am ready!

Anonymous Love Letter : More & More Edition

Dear Love,

I am consumed by thoughts of you. It has always been that way. I cannot say when or why you touched me in this way but you have. The time we have spent together will always be cherished and treasured. They are little gems in the fabric of my life that I will take with me into the next lifetime where I will search for you again.

This longing inside me makes me sad instead of happy only because I know that it is not me that you go home to at the end of the day. I cannot risk my heart for something I have no right to claim and what I know today is that my heart is so raw and broken. It's not your job to put it back together. That's my job and so the decision to "close the door" was made.

In my mind it makes perfect sense. "Close the door" so I can mend my broken heart while you figure out what you want to do. I don't know what you want to do. If you love her then love her and let's seal this door shut until the next lifetime. Because right now, what I want is MORE and MORE of you and I cannot have it. When I'm feeling especially low, I think about you and want to talk to you and hear your voice and feel the comfort of your words but I do not have access to you. And that fueled the logic behind "closing the door."

What I wish I could tell you is that I want us to run away and lock ourselves in our bubble and make love endlessly and fan the red hot flame between us. Let the world around us fade away until there is just you and me. Yet I know this can never be and we will have to be content to meet in our dreams. But today and always I send you love vibrations so sincere and so intense that it could light the world. Remember me.

Love,



NeenaLove

Anonymous Love Letter : Ridiculous Edition

Dear Love,

Today we closed a door.

It frees you to be the man you always wanted to be for her. She is so blessed to have your heart the way she does. Though we made a mistake by opening a pandora's box with whatever we have done, in the end, your decision to recommit to her is admirable and so precious. I don't know why we complicate our lives with distractions from things that really matter.

Here and now, we say goodbye. Though I feel my heart breaking all over again, I knew that this thing we had had an expiration date. I look ahead to whatever is on the horizon for me. My unwritten future is wide open and I welcome all of God's abundance into my life. I open my heart again to chase forever, alone.

My wish for you is that you will find happiness and joy;
that you will rededicate yourself to loving her the way she deserves to be loved;
that you will put in the time, your heart, your soul into making love last forever.

I smile as I think of how fortunate she is to have a man that recognizes his error and chooses to recommit. It is a beautiful thing to witness.

So today and forever, know that I have always seen through your facade and into your beautiful soul. I have always seen you as a beautiful expression of God's genius. I will carry the memory of us all the days of my life. Live well and take care of yourself.

Love,


NeenaLove