TBT= Throw Back Thursday
This is a look into my written diaries from nearly two decades ago. Most
of it is straight from my diary. I may have omitted a thing or two,
changed a name or two, corrected grammar, added a hyperlink here and
there (for context, of course) etc. etc. The general theme of who I was
all those years ago are IN TACT.
* * * * * * * * * *
July 10th, 1994
Aroha?! It's 6am and I'm awake already. I'm worried about Dave's car all stuck in Kaaawa but my Dad won't help me out! I really hate my relationship with Dave. But I can't trust that Shane will be there. He still loves his freedom very much. So do I but with Shane I just want to be all his and he --> all mine. Shane is the type that is assertive! He doesn't wait for me to decide what we should do. He just does it! There is so much to think about. Dave is financially irresponsible and I know that in the future it's gonna irritate me because it erks me now. And his habits are so weird. Well, not weird but just different from mine. Shane and I are just THERE. Everything about the two of us is like in sync. Ya know?! We always find out something new. I love every moment I spend with him and I love to think about the next time I get to see him. He keeps me interested. He makes me want more from him. There is so much to look forward to. I just can't believe it's all gonna end in November when he leaves for WHEREVER. He has that Permanent Change of Station. I am gonna miss him. Miss visiting him. Miss having him to talk to! Everything about him. He is definitely my best friend. At least, right now he is. What makes it all weird is our age difference. We are 11 years apart. I don't have any problems with it but I think that if we ever ge serious, he will. I like him a whole lot. I wish he knew just how much! I love hearing from him during the day. He calls so much. Before, when we first started seeing each other, we just couldn't say enough to each other and now, exactly 3 months later it's still the same. We me on April 10th! I just can't say enough about him! He's my best buddy. I wish we had more time with each other. When I think about him leaving.... that hurt feelin in my chest comes and a pit in my stomach. It's gonna be hard to say goodbye.
Anyway, lastnite me and Rose went to Blockbuster and we bonded in the car. Talkin' about dating and marriage and finding the right man. We talked about religion. I kinda hope she stays here in Hawaii. She needs a REAL MAN. A Samoan one... :-)
This is my time to find out what it is I want in a man. Whether it's kindness to patience. Whatever. All I know is that I'm slowly realizing what I want. I kinda get a hint as to what marriage is about. I want one like my parents have. I mean, they have troubles but they always get through it. That's how it's supposed to be. You know, it's funny how when you think you want something and get it, it's not what you really want. Example. Dave, I thought he was everything I needed and I wanted him. Well, I got him and now I see that he's really not anything I want. Before, all I wanted from Dave was to hear him tell me how he feels. Now, he tells me how he feels all the time and it irritates me. It takes the mystery out of everything. But anyway, enough complaining. It's my fault. I just didn't think that he and I would get this serious. I know I upset him today by being honest and telling him how I feel about being single. I'm tellin' you, I'm just not ready for all that he wants me to be to him. All-a-dat has gots to go. I mean, I'm still young. I have rainbows to chase. Dreams to follow. Wishes to bring alive. Other shores to touch.